Kiss Me Once, Kiss Me Twice

Come On Pretty Baby, Kiss Me Deadly.

'Kiss Me Deadly' - Lita Ford (or far more awesomely: Reel Big Fish)

Different job, different home, different outlook on so many things. As I try and figure out which direction the next step is to be in, I can't help but look back toward what has passed, specifically the things (good, bad, or otherwise) that made me not want to write for so long. Things have been pretty great lately, but it is one of those introspective moods that brought me back. It was a realization that I underestimated the ability of people to make bad decisions. Actually I can't even say that because who am I to say it was a bad decision or say that I wouldn't have done the same if able, or that I didn't try, or even that didn't actually do that same thing.

I've had occasion recently to think back to a confession I made and it makes me think about something I wrote long ago about the memory and its fleeting nature. On this particular night, a conversation happened that to this day I can't explain. It was one of those times where two people just put everything on the table for no apparent reason. I decided mid-sentence that opportunity was knocking and that it would likely not return. For all intents and purposes I was right, telling the person how I really felt toward them was exactly what the situation called for. It appeared that the response was positive and the next day might bring something new and quite different to the relationship. However as it turned out, all of this occurred during an alcohol-induced fog which left nothing behind outside of my own head (and maybe that of a witness, but I've never had the cojones to ask them).

I think that story really sticks in my head now because it is one of the lenses through which I view the things that have happened since within the topic of the fairer sex. I told Katherine one night that perhaps what I needed to do was look for only short-duration type relationships. I was immediately berated for believing that such was all I could achieve, but that wasn't what my point was. What I was actually saying was not that I wasn't capable of more, but that it just wasn't what I needed right then. I have no particular moral issues with such an arrangement, as we have learned so awkwardly this year. However it was as I was attempting to implement this strategy on a larger scale that things seemed to change drastically yet again. Suddenly people were interested and it was somewhat difficult to handle. In one scenario I had to be on the opposite side of the coin finally, figuring out how to say no to something that I knew was not feasible but they did not. In the other, I had a limited amount of time to have the person around, a complete throwback to 2009 and the ten days before Willow moved away. So this was an improvement from my usual situation but still far from ideal.

The point of everything I've said is this. I have absolutely no idea what it is I want. Again, this only refers to the limited scope of relationships and the like. I'm not saying I should have an answer to this, it is merely an observation.

On an unrelated note, but because I'm bored of writing about personal stuff at this moment, we require a name for a blog covering all sorts of current events topics. There are a few of us that wish to make our thoughts known on more widely relevant topics but until we have a title we are at a bit of a loss. If you are creative enough to assist with this task, you should let me know. I can provide more details on what we are looking for.

Got Dirt, Got Air, Got Water, and I Know You Can Carry On

Shrug off shortsighted false excitement and oh what can I say?

Have one, have twenty more "one mores" and oh it does not relent.

'The Good Times Are Killing Me' - Modest Mouse

So I decided to just post this as is because after not writing for a year, the stilted attempts at trying seemed like they deserved a place. So let's see if I can stick with it this time. (ed. note, added on 9/11/11)

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Again I have failed in my writing for absurdly long durations. I came back every few months in the hopes of starting again, but I found that I didn't really want to write about the things that were on my mind. And by the time things had started resolving themselves, I had completely gotten out of the habit of even trying to put pen to paper, or finger to key.

As is normally the case, I'm just going to pretend most of the events that I never wrote about simply didn't happen, because trying to catch up would take far more time than I have here, and it seems most people tend to already know the major events that have enveloped me from time to time.

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The lies that we tell ourselves are nowhere near as frightening as the truth can be. Gabriel, that truly was appropriate given where in my head I was during various times the past week or so. I attempted to write this a few times over the past week but really didn't know how to explain my problem. I'm not sure I do now either.

I originally wrote this opening at the beginning of June. It was at that point that I just stopped writing altogether. It was completely forgotten until I came back to write again now after almost six months and noticed a draft still saved. How fitting that again I've had a week that has put me in a strange place, though for mostly different reasons.

When Somethings Broke, I Wanna Put a Bit of Fixin On It

When somethings bored, I wanna put a little exciting on it

If somethings low, I wanna put a little high on it

When somethings lost, I wanna fight to get it back again

'The Fixer' - Pearl Jam

Better late than never, let's finish out with the remainder of the great Portland trip. It definitely ended up being an up and down three days. Tuesday I can cover pretty briefly. I stayed in the hotel room as the pain was...unpleasant. Wednesday however was markedly better. After my injection, I packed up my laptop, sketch book, and some reading material, and headed in search of somewhere nice to be. My first stop took me down to Waterfront Park, which on a day like this, was absolutely beautiful. I found a nice perch near a fountain and started drawing all types of random things I saw. All in all it was a nice way to release some creativity, and it might be fun actually trying to get decent at it. After a handful of pages were filled I decided to continue my travels deeper into the downtown area. However this part of the day was short-lived as after a bit more wandering and some lunch, I found my strength waning considerably, so I hopped a bus and went back to the hotel. Pretty much stayed in the rest of the night, as I knew that having to be at the hospital at 6:30am was gonna throw off my sleep schedule just a bit.

And about sleeping I couldn't have been more right. At about 3:30am I woke up and continued the extra-large dosing of pills that I'd started Wednesday evening. At that point I was at two pills every three hours. I was a little amused because this pain meant that the drugs were working WAY better than anticipated, which would be confirmed very shortly. After packing up, I headed to the hospital. The started me off with the final injection (as though I needed it at that point) and then left me in bed to await the staff that would be doing the procedure. We didn't get the show started until 9:00am, which made me figure that I wouldn't be out of there until late evening. Not long after starting is when I learned why I'd been taking calcium supplements for the last two weeks. The stuff they put in to keep your blood from clotting absolutely drains your body of calcium. It took about ten minutes before my face went tingly and they had to start feeding me Tums to offset the loss, and this was even with an IV drip of calcium running as well.

Other than that it was pretty uneventful, all four hours of it. They had told me to expect six to eight hours, and we were done in four. Yeah, I think the drugs did their job. With my contribution complete, I headed downtown to wait for my ride to Seattle, provided by the incomparable Kevin Price. Definitely an upgrade over riding the train back alone.

Now that I've had a little bit of distance from the process to think about it, there are a few things that stick out to me. The first off is that if by some crazy odds I ever had to do this again, I would find some way to take someone with me, because doing that alone honestly sucked. That's not to say I didn't have fun most of the week, but there were moments, particularly when the drugs wore off, when a companion would have been nice. The second thing is actually something that had very obviously been noticed every since this process started, and that is people's reactions. There have been some very flattering things said about me during this, but it bothers me that it was such a big deal. Now don't get me wrong, I get the ramifications of all this, it's why I did it. Assuming nothing goes wrong, this person lives because of my actions. However it's not like I really did anything of note. I got stabbed with some needles (enough to make me look like a heroin addict), took a week of paid time from work that I wouldn't have otherwise used (and sick time resets each year, which for me is in seven weeks), and I underwent some discomfort. I truly don't get how this is even a decision.

I was gonna split these up, but I think we'll go right into everything that has happened since my return. I was considering taking things easy for a day or two while the drugs worked their way out of my system. That plan lasted about four minutes. By 2:30pm on Friday I was with Katie getting ready to enjoy margaritas and sunshine on the waterfront. Yeah, this was gonna be a good day. From there it was Azteca for happy hour with Zach, and then beer pong at the old house where we were joined by Randy and Bennett. Gotta say that with how much I was missing everyone while I was gone, this day was the answer. And then it was followed up by an amazing Saturday with the family for Gayle's birthday and a Moon Temple adventure that night. Darts, Backstreet Boys covers, obligatory Bon Jovi, my new favorite drink from there because it doesn't taste like death...good times. And then the attempt to out-do it all on Monday. I know that I got into a debate on relationships with Kevin (which later led to me being berated for, well I honestly don't know what), we had a bunch of people show up that haven't come out in forever, and it was all absolutely amazing, even after I had the last of my painful side-effects from the aforementioned drugs, pain so intense that it outdid the knee injury. Even though it made the end of the night suck, damn it was a helluva time.

The last thing on my mind is this. It has been a very intense six or seven weeks. Good, bad, other, so much has gone on. Basically everything since I started writing again last month is almost overwhelming when I look at it all. Six weeks since I took the test for a new job (for which interviews still haven't occurred). Five weeks since I sat in my car trying to wrap my mind around three of the most unexpected questions that have been asked of me (all of which I answered wrong). Four weeks since the loss of a friend (RIP Alvino, I wish I had known you better). Three weeks since the cabin. Two weeks since the marrow donation process took me out of town. One week since my return and the madness that has ensued since. So multiple trips out of town, more nights of debauchery then I can remember, friendships that have became much different than I would have expected a year ago, lives lost, lives saved, and soon enough, lives started (a child that will be raised entirely in the 470 warehouse, god help him). I was told recently that I am dramatic. Well to that I say only this. Life is dramatic. If you don't realize this, you're not seeing everything.

Gonna call it quits for now, was gonna touch on some other interesting conversations that have gone on recently, but I have birthday festivities to attend to. Happy Birthday Steve, love ya!!!

Every Rose Has It's Thorn, Just Like Every Night Has It's Dawn

Just like every cowboy sings a sad, sad song.

Every rose has it's thorn.

'Every Rose Has It's Thorn' - Poison

That lyric really only works because Portland is the Rose City, but whatever works. So this week has been interesting. I arrived Saturday night, though all I did was quickly get to the hotel, set up shop, and go to bed. Figured some rest might do me good before the adventure ahead. Sunday started with my first Filgrastim injection. The purpose of this drug is to induce bone marrow to drastically increase production of white blood cells, and more importantly, stem cells. This is what makes possible these donations without the use of the giant needle into the hip, which as it turns out is barely used anymore. After about an hour for observation to make sure I wasn't going to have an allergic reaction, I was given some Vicodin, which I expected not to need, and was let loose upon the city. As I enjoyed the beautiful weather, I realized that I have an insufficient amount of summer clothing. Figuring there was no better time than the present, I hopped a bus for Clackamas Town Center. While there I bought a handful of new stuff, as well as a brief stop at Best Buy (of course, right?) to pick up some accessories for my new laptop. Upon returning to the hotel I decided to make use of the gym and swimming pool, and then retired for the night, mostly out of boredom (it had started raining, so more adventures on foot were out for now).

Monday was tremendously up and down. The trip for my injection was much shorter as they no longer needed to observe me for reactions. They asked me some questions regarding side-effects of which I'd had none, and sent me off. I decided that since the weather was going to be questionable, it was a good day to throw my nose into some books. Of course that means the next stop was Powell's. Oh what a beautiful place. I wandered aimlessly for a while before deciding on a rather unusual purchase (we'll come back to this), and left for a much more exciting pursuit. Turns out there was a Portland Beavers game going on just down the road at PGE Park, and the sun looked like it was going to come out. It is nice walking up to a stadium, asking for the best available seat, and getting in the front row for $15. Okay, I guess there were a couple rows in front of me, but those are season tickets only, so I considered it a win. The only downside was that on my way to the game, I found that apparently I was not going to be immune to the side-effects as I'd hoped. Well I worked my way through those with the help of the aforementioned prescription, which for sake of comparison, I only took 4 or 5 of them during the great knee injury last summer, starting 36 hours after it happened. It had only been 90 minutes since the injection. Probably not a great sign. To take my mind off the pain, and get through a particularly boring part of the game, I decided to make use of my purchase from Powell's. A few weeks ago I was asked if I have any artistic ability, in context I believe this meant mostly drawing and the like. Not exactly my specialty, but just as I answered, it may not be that I don't have the ability, simply that I haven't learned yet. So I took out my new sketchbook and pencils and starting drawing things I saw. My hope is to do a bit more of it around the city, but we'll see. Anyway, the game was fantastic, ending with a 4-3 Beavers win. There was also an interesting bit of drama toward the end. Some complete psycho went crazy on the security guards just about eight rows behind me. It took six of them to restrain the guy (of course the security guards weren't exactly the most imposing folk I've ever seen), but they managed to handcuff him to a seat until the police arrived. Nothing like some excitement in the stands to make the game that much better. So with the game over, I headed back to Powell's for a bit as I still wanted to look at the rare book room. After that I decided to get back to the hotel, because honestly things were starting to degrade quickly. Pretty much laid low and went back and forth between watching TV and going down to the hot tub for the rest of the night.

Which brings us to this morning. I'm about to go in for injection #3, which if the predictions are as accurate as they've been this far, is going to be very unpleasant. I can tell you that I'm already looking very forward to being back with my friends. Hope to see you back here in another couple days when I write about the last half of the trip. Miss you all, see you soon.

And We Lay Down On the Sand of the Sea

And before us animosity will stand and decree,

That we speak not of love, only blasphemy.

And in the distance, 6 others will curse me.

But that's alright, for I will watch them fall.

'7' - Prince

Today is pretty much fantastic. Coffee with Addie this morning. Errands with Charlene and Leota this afternoon. Trivia and watching the M's game with Katherine (and others perhaps?) on deck for this evening. As you'll read on you'll see why all I can say is that this week just keeps piling on more and more awesome. Definitely have been in need of that.

So dates keep getting pushed around so all I know is that the donation will be between the 10th and 17th at Legacy Good Samaritan Hospital in Portland, Oregon. Makes scheduling things a bit hard, but what can you do. What I can say is this, I think it will do me some good to be out of town for a while. Now this isn't for any bad reasons at all, merely to get some distance from all that is happening, and perhaps a little perspective. Things are great right now. I have tremendously little to complain about, and I am enjoying so many different things and people. I'm very optimistic about things at work, though the delays in the interview process are somewhat maddening. The donation thing has me excited, as does a secondary project I'm attempting based on it, details on that once I hash it out a bit more. I received an apology for things said about me that had cut me very deeply, but now make a lot more sense once an explanation was given (as it wasn't truly about me). But what kind of world would this be if I didn't have some problem to figure out. Unfortunately I haven't quite figured out the words yet that describe the problem (beyond what I allude to below), so you'll have to wait.

As for where we left off last time, part two of the conversation has come and gone, under circumstances that were slightly different (and by different I mean far less sober). It added a dimension to the discussion that was very unexpected. At least I think it was the change of sobriety that led to it, but I honestly don't know. A big part of round two is that I've been called on to talk about myself more, to explain what it is that has made me the person I am. I think I got out some of the more important details but it now predicates the need for a round three. I also was left wondering about some things left unsaid. Actually I take that back, also wondering about some things that very much were said. Regardless of what actually happens, I'm forced to ask myself a question. To what lengths will I go to find happiness. As someone who has been known as a moral compass for his friends, there comes a time when a man has to look after #1 first, and everyone else's feelings be damned.

I might have just reached that point.

Working Hard To Get My Fill, Everybody Wants a Thrill

Payin' anything to roll the dice, just one more time.

Some will win, some will lose, some were born to sing the blues.

Oh, the movie never ends, it goes on and on and on and on.

'Don't Stop Believin' - Journey

Last time I mentioned that relationships were changing and what you see today may not be what you see tomorrow. First, that wasn't just about me, that was about everyone. Second, that was a vague statement because I really didn't know what to say about it yet. That is starting to solidify in my mind just a bit. The first analogy that came to mind is that we are going to rearrange the deck-chairs on the Titanic. I don't truly expect bad things in this case, but it seemed too good not to write.

Someone told me recently that they tend to be cautious of anyone that befriends them after specifically not doing so (i.e. deciding after knowing someone for a decent length of time and only then being cool with them). I brought up the oft-told story of my dislike of Gabriel years ago, and how that changed into a friendship that I hold very dear now. People can change, pure and simple. However that doesn't mean that it isn't important to consider the motivation. Sometimes the answer to that is simple, for instance getting over whatever it was that led to the dislike. Other times it is something along the lines of 'keep your friends close and your enemies closer.' I suppose there are many others, but those seemed the most relevant.

Another part of that conversation centered around being close with people, and while this part was considerably more brief, it has kept me thinking ever since. It seems to me that you don't necessarily need to know all of what makes a person tick to be close with them. Now let me preface that with the fact that I love finding those things out, but that's just how I work. I suppose that most find me to be a good listener and take advantage of that fact tends to be integral as well. The fact that I don't necessarily discuss a lot of these things with my friends doesn't mean I'm trying to be distant. It seems to me that a lot of the bonds I've formed, especially in the more recent past, are based around the sharing of experiences, simply living life together and seeing what happens. However that seems to be changing as well. And for some reason this is the part that gets me wondering, not so much the part about befriending people long after meeting them. The following is not directed at one person, it applies to quite a few. But what I wonder is this; Why now? What is it that has changed so suddenly that is forcing us to reevaluate our relationships with the people around us. There will be many answers to this as it applies to numerous situations, but I think the answers are going to shape the months to come.

The last thing that stuck with me was a discussion about ex's, past and future (okay, that was cynical, even for me). I wander back again to last summer and the image of a light switch keeps coming to mind. I was going to give a variety of examples using all of us last year, but I'm gonna keep this one on me. Before most of our shenanigans started, I had my brief, well fling, for lack of better word but that seems wrong somehow, but when that reached the end of its predetermined time, I didn't give it anymore thought. Switch flipped. Then in a whole different part of the spectrum I had the one that kept going on/off/on/off. Never really knew how to figure that one out. As it turns out neither could anyone else. Good thing there was that it was based entirely on curiosity, so there were essentially no emotional ramifications. Lastly (though chronologically first) there was the one that interested me but didn't spark at all, so again, flipped off.

This year has started off completely different. Have you ever stuck the light-switch in the middle just to see which way it'll flip? Well that's what this feels like. Repeatedly. Right now this is just an observation, not a declaration of good or bad. However either way its going to be interesting. Part two of the conversation that spawned this is gonna happen soon, stay tuned.

In other news; if getting home at as late as I have the past few outings becomes the norm, then god help us all. I still can't process the past 12 hours. It was definitely all kinds of fun though, so it had that going for it.

It's Bugging Me, Grating Me, and Twisting Me Around

Yeah I'm endlessly caving in

And turning inside out.

Cause I want it now.

'Hysteria' - Muse

So here we are, well into 2010 and only now have I decided to finally begin writing again. I intended to when I first relocated my writings from the graveyard that is MySpace to here but I found myself not terribly motivated to do so. Hopefully a bit more of this to follow, as I'd finally like to start writing on various topics other than my life and the vague nature with which I tend to share it. However to start please indulge a rambling and very topic-jumping rant, mostly meant to catch everything up to the present day, while ignoring nearly the last half of 2009, because there really are no words for it at this point.

I find myself thinking about the immediate future and what changes it has in store. Much like the point at which I stopped writing last year, it seems that everything is in a state of flux. Relationships have ebbed and flowed, people have come and gone and may even now come back, and everything you see today could be nothing you see tomorrow. Rambling and vague you say? Well bear with me. From a personal standpoint, I am throwing most of my time at work into getting promoted, and partaking in activities there that will facilitate that. And my time outside of work? I think that the best way to describe it is that the next few months, which to many will be an attempt to outshine last year, to me will be an attempt to finish what last year started. I found that I understood myself and what I want a lot more after last year, but there is still just a bit more to figure out. What I can say is that I want three things right now. One of them will improve my financial situation. One is what I want to use that improved financial situation to finish. And third, well that gets to remain vague for now, but probably not for much longer. What matters though is that I'm close to happy, and for me that is saying quite a lot.

As for the general going's on in my life I would like to touch on a few key points:

April 2nd - Muse at Key Arena. Best damn concert I've ever seen. They are easily my favorite band at this point, and favorites aren't something I tend to pick easily. Normally I just have a group of things that I like a lot. Was made even better having gone with Sabrina and Gayle (her first concert!!)

April 10th - Leota and Joe's Birthdays. Leota turned two. Holy crap. All I'm gonna say on that for now is that one of the things that brings me the most joy is being able to live with her now and watch her grow every single day. As for the Joe half, I will not comment much for fear of the wrath of Steve who will walk in and stab me for even mentioning it (he was forced to leave so that Leo could come home and sleep). What I will say is that we experienced a veritable smörgåsbord of meats. And that the buffalo was best described as 'majestic.'

April 12th - The Return of Kevin Price. One might almost forget just how great conversations with him, sober or drunk, tend to be. Almost. This night couldn't have been more filled with more epicness. From food at Moon Temple (and yes, one drink, but only one as we wanted to be able to not die that early in the night), then the usual Karaoke at Dante's. This also gave me a taste of what we may have in store for adventures in the coming months. Could be entertaining. And by could I mean oh god everybody should go by themselves a helmet right now. Side-note, got one of the strangest complements I've ever received while there.

April 13th - A Very Intense Hour. So I'm attempting to become and in-home Geek Squad Agent. Better pay, new work environment, no downside in my mind. However the biggest road block based on prior experience is the test you have to take to qualify. I took it last year and didn't do so hot. This time not only did I pass, I only missed one question, and I completed it in eight minutes. Let's just say it was deemed to be 'impressive' by all those in attendance. Moments after finishing that I checked my phone and noticed a call from a New York phone number. This could only be DKMS, the organization that runs the marrow registry I've been dealing with since I was first a match last fall. The message was very concise and had amazing news. For this 2nd person that I tentatively matched in January, I was confirmed to be the most compatible and the doctors have chosen me to be the donor. So basically my day started with me helping people fix their stuff, which was going well and kept me in a good mood (combined with my still fresh memories of the night before, which made me kinda giggly). Then it escalated to be an amazing day when I crushingly demonstrated my competence. Then I decided I needed to top that, and what a better way to do so than saving a life. Go big or go home my friends. Trust me, you'll be reading much more on this topic as the process continues (including tomorrow when the details of the donation are revealed).

So I think I'm gonna close it with that for now. Just a dip back into the pool of writing for now. Hope you come back for more as I intend to have plenty of it to go around. Plus it will give me time to figure this site out...hmmm, what kind of labels to add to these posts? do these colors make it easy to read? what do these symbols mean? oooh...a monetize button (yeah, cause this is gonna be a big moneymaker, my life of intrigue)....okay, goodnight.

P.S. OH GOD, ALMOST FORGOT ABOUT THE STORY. Merely for sake of notation for now, it is important to mention that April 5th provided another crazy night at Dante's, but all you need to know is that the power went out, probably because we rocked Queen so hard, and Scott tells the best stories (though my retellings add a certain je ne se quoi). I will touch back on that another day.