Life Is So Strange, When You Don't Know

How can you tell, where you're goin to?
You can't be sure of any situation,
something can change, and then you won't know.

'Destination Unknown' - Smashing Pumpkins

After considerable time off from writing these, I sit here preparing for the end of yet another year. I look back at these past 12 months and realize that very little good has come of it. Now that's not to say that it was an inherently bad year, but I was basically treading water. There have also been some amazing highs. I got to know many of my friends far better, as well as meeting new ones that I have become very close to very fast.

However through all of this I have fought to find a way to change things, and over the course of the past couple weeks I think I finally figured out how. I'm not going to go into details quite yet as I have a little to work out but I can say this. I believe I finally have the answers to many of the questions I've been asking. I know what I have to do to fix things, and to say that it is drastic would be an understatement. Is it risky, oh yeah. Are the rewards greater than I can imagine, nope, they are exactly what I can imagine, and that is what excites me. I'm gonna need some support on this one.

Tune in later this week for my year in review. It'll be like "The Lost Episodes" for all those times I didn't write a blog or said "I'll write about it later." You know you want to see it.

I Am a Little Bit of Loneliness, A Little Bit of Disregard

Handful of complaints, but I can't help the fact that everyone can see these scars.

Linkin Park - Faint

So over the past couple weeks I've started to write a few different blogs. Topics have ranged from an update on the neverending drama that surrounds my home to a discourse on the nature of friendship (see some of Steve's blogs if you want to know why). One was going to be about just the latest goings on in my life. But when the time came, I didn't feel like writing them. But now....now something has gone off in my mind and I'm pissed off.

My anger goes out to a variety of people. Some people are close to me, some I don't even know their identities (I know them, I simply don't know which people shared the opinion), honestly people from perhaps all portions and times of my life.

I can't tell you entirely why I've picked this moment to freak out about this, but it seems fitting. So now I welcome you to my discussion on sexuality. I intend to be both blunt and more detailed than in most blogs. Enjoy your stay, refreshments will be after the show.

As it stands right now, I have been single for just over 23 years. You may continue that sentence to its various logical conclusions and likely be accurate. This is generally a fact I don't like to advertise, but you know what, fuck any of you that want to make remarks at this, because I'll tell you this, it isn't for a lack of trying. I can't begin to get into all the reasons, situations, traumas, problems, and whatever other words you want that describe what has occured in my love life, but I can tell you one thing, and this fact is what has led to this blog. Please read this carefully as it may be difficult for some to understand.

I am, always have been, and always shall be, a HETEROSEXUAL.

Now some of you may be wondering what the hell has possessed me to make a statement like that. It's really quite simple. I am sick of the jokes. I am sick of the assumptions. I am sick of the ignorance and stupidity that seem to plague so many people I have known. Jokes are one thing, though those too get old after a while. But when people take things like my lack of relationships, my personality, my voice, my speech patterns, my general demeanor, any number of things (yes, everyone of those examples have been used as 'evidence'), and come to the conclusion that I am gay, well I have to assume that they don't know me at all.

I suppose that all of this............Fuck this, I'm done.

I Don't Feel the Way I've Ever Felt

I Know, Gonna Smile and Not Get Worried. I Try But it Shows.

'Pain' - Jimmy Eat World

It turns out that I was slightly mistaken in something that I wrote in my last blog. I said that at the moment my home was like a prison. It turns out that, besides causing concern amongst certain people, it was also a gross exaggeration of the size of the cell. The prison in which I am trapped is my mind.

It is imperative now that I mention that I am tremendously happy that my best friend may have found something that makes him happy. However it is the plethora of emotions in the background of this that concern me. As many have noticed, I am considerably unhappy at the moment. The worst part of this is that I don't know why. Now I can rule out a few things. For instance during the conversation with Steve that just ended, he made reference to my anger during this as having to do with the fact that certain affections weren't directed toward me. It is important to note that this is most certainly not true.

When I said that my ego had been obliterated, well I suppose I didn't explain it well enough. The best parallel I can draw actually uses the situtation that had been going on for the past year or so. It was common belief that the other female that is part of this group had interest in Steve. While this was mostly found to be inaccurate, it still, at least in my assumptions, probably gave Steve a bit of an ego boost. Well, during much of that same time, comments were occasionally made so as to imply that a similar situation was happening to me. So inevitably, there was an ego boost. While it was not something I would have pursued (then again who truly knows until the situation materializes), the idea of an admirer (suitor is the word I wanted, but I can't seem to remember the feminine version of the word) was appealing. But all of this is just a long-winded way of saying that these are not the foremost emotions in my mind.

So next I look at the inevitable strain on friendships that this can/has/will cause people. I look first toward the one that I thought I was losing over the past couple weeks. It has been argued to me that it was merely coincidence and circumstance that led to a bout of silence for a couple weeks. I have to conceed that that might be the case. However I can also look at it this way. Even if the thought hadn't crossed her mind to conciously ignore me, the simple fact is she found a replacement for me. For some reason that my mind keeps returning to that description. Replaced....seems oddly fitting given the circumstances. My usefulness as the one person in this group that tried to be close to her from the start has ended. Yet as I write this, I hear my mind saying, I can live with that outcome. Either way, I can't take the past couple weeks lightly, even after having discussed it with those involved. Maybe its an overreaction, who knows. Hopefully time will make this one a little easier.

As for the relationship that is forming out of this, I honestly can't find any logical reason not to see it as a good thing. This tells me that my mind is simply focusing on the parts of this that effect me directly, and not how it effects the people I love. I've always been so good at setting aside my own feelings for the benefit of those around me, I just need to buckle down and do what is necessary, what I know is right.

I'm Paralyzed, I'm Paralyzed

Stuck in the Middle and I'm Paralyzed.

'Paralyzed' - Rock Kills Kid

Over the past couple days I realized I have suffered from a severe lack of rational thought. Now this can be attributed to a number of factors. Perhaps it was the realization that I may have lost yet another friend due to temporary insanity. Maybe it was the complete obliteration of my ego (not my self-esteem mind you, two different beasts there). Or possbily it was a thought that just entered my mind a few weeks ago.

As the Romans said, and as I've quoted before, "Post Hoc, Ergo Propter Hoc." It translates to "After it, therefore because of it." Now on the one hand it can be a logical fallacy, but on the other it can be the simplest explanation. I believe at the moment it falls somewhere in between. Multiple times over the past few years, some of the people in this group of friends have discussed getting a house together. I thought that an appropriate first step, as well as a convenient solution to a friends problem, was to bring up the fact that the apartment next to us was becoming vacant. Well, I lent voice to thought, and set into motion the most absurd series of events. Now I'm not so arrogant as to think that this is all my doing, I simply view it as a massively unpredictable side-effect.

Now I've always been relatively good at giving advice, or so I've been told. Yet, as the title implies, I'm at a loss. Maybe it's because of the effects this will have on me, maybe its because I considered the likelihood of things reaching this point to be tremendously improbable. Be interesting to see how much worse this gets. Oooh, you hear that. Yes, off in the distance. That is the sound of me shooting my face off. So sad when I go to work to seek refuge, a prisoner in my own home.

Looks Like We're In For Nasty Weather

One Eye Is Taken For An Eye.

'Bad Moon Rising' - Creedence Clearwater Revival

So it turns out that I had only the faintest idea what was about to come. Aaron and Charlene are two very close friends of mine. I've known Aaron for four years, and Charlene for a year. Now in the time since she moved out with him, I was sort of the first person that really went out of my way to be friends with her. Due to this we had a little bit different relationship then she had with the rest of the guys. So now that they are next door, we were seeing quite a lot of each other, especially due to my work schedule. However over the past couple weeks, she had not really been talking to me much. She was however spending an inordinate amount of time with Steve.

While this was going on, things were worsening between the happy couple. For reasons only now being made clear to me, things were more or less in a steady decline. Her bonding with Steve didn't help things as she ended up becoming interested in him. This information is what has all been coming out today, when her and Aaron finally had the confrontation. I still don't know what all the details are, and likely won't until I wake up and talk to Aaron, but from what I did glean from talking with her is that they may be over, she may try and see if Steve is interested, she may choose to be single, hell she may just leave Seattle.

This of course all hinges on continued discussions with Aaron and with Steve when he returns from Longview. So all and all, this has created an impossible situation. Friendships will end by the time this is over, and they will end in the most ugly manner possible. So I have to sit while my best friend is forced into the middle of a battle that cannot be won, we're all pitted against our good friends, and the entire situation has entered freefall.

I can write on and on about the repercussions, the scenarios I've played out in my mind, hell, just about any aspect of this, but the one that intrigues me the most is my reaction to the fact she became interested in Steve. I'm not sure I can peg the exact emotion, though by the end of the explanation it should be clear. Since day 1, I have been the one she gravitated toward. And in the course of that, what was done to Steve and Emily (many things read into what was essentially a huge amount of random flirting that was truly meaningless) was being done to Charlene and I. Now I must state here unequivocably is that I'm not interested in her. Not something that would ever work...however...I suppose I was dissappointed on a variety of levels that this whole situation didn't target me. So basically I didn't succeed in taking a bullet for Steve, but I did succeed in taking a heavy blow to the ego. Probably not the most constructive reaction to have.

Well this is a drama that I only beginning to unfold. Look forward to our next episode, same bat time, same bat station.

And the Battle Lines Are Clearly Drawn

....or are they?

So my MSN screen name for the past couple weeks has been "What's Next?" You see everything had pretty much resolved itself. The people fucking with my best friend have been dealt with. The person that caused me problems was completely removed from my life, and for those who know me well, you know how unheard of it is for me to completely disregard the feelings of another person for my own good. Well, this was the appropriate time, and amazingly my point seems to have gotten across. So all and all things were looking pretty good.

And then I made the mistake of leaving Seattle. I should have realized before my drive to Longview was even over that something was amiss. I found out that the wedding that I was there to attend was taking place so much later and so much farther away than first told to me that I wouldn't return to Seattle until roughly six hours before I had to return to work Monday. Though I was glad I got to go to the wedding (for a variety of reasons....*slaps self on wrist....No, bad me*), it did pose a bit of an inconvenience to say the least.

As this is going on, I find out that one group of friends is having a massive bitchfest with one another, that while ending up being minor and easily reconcilable in the end, was a cause for concern due to my inability to weigh in. Then when I actually got back to Seattle, I was in for so much more.

In an effort to remain awake from the time I got to Seattle (11:45 PM Sunday) until I had to be to work (6:00 AM Monday), I decided to go to a party. Long story short, I hadn't hung out with my friends from work for a while, with the exception of Matt's b-day party. Really couldn't think of a better place to be because I really missed these friends (<3 470!!) I didn't realize how much I had missed, and what was about to occur. For reasons obvious to many who would read this, I'm not using details of any kind. I will say however that I continue to be amazed at the pain people will put themselves through for the most inane reasons. This bothers me more when it is the people I care about so much (and to the person that this most directly refers to, you'll understand why it bothers me so much when we actually talk for once). Anyway, the whole thing just proves that its the little lies that can do the most damage, especially when you're not good at lying.

So with all of that, its important to note that I can be considered as kind of on the periphery of all of that. Not directly invovled, but one of the people that those more directly involved speak to (I'd say most of you would agree). Which means that there was really no drama that directly involved me...yeah, like that was gonna last.

I don't quite know how to describe what is about to happen between my roommate, our neighbors (who are our neighbors because they are our friends, and I got them the place), and myself. Things were so peaceful a few weeks ago. I've tried writing this part a dozen times and am coming up with nothing...guess I'll just have to save the details for the next blog, which I have a hunch is gonna be soon.

P.S. Finally broke my pattern on blog subject names. For those curious, they have almost all been names of episodes of the West Wing. I think now I'm gonna move on to song lyrics...though the fact the first of these required a country song might be an ominous sign :P.

War Crimes

So, as Brian has said, the goings on in and around my apartment make us like TNT: We know drama. The assault on my sanity has been from multiple directions, both figuratively and geographically. The first front came out of the far south, and involved my best friend being wronged by those considered friends. The second front came from only a considerably closer distance, and was a return of someone and something I considered surprising, yet allowed me to exercise cautious optimism for, again, my best friend. The last major attack came from that which I have written about the past few days, an experience that while not particularly interesting in and of itself, quickly turned into something slightly disturbing. Smaller skirmishes abound but are of little consequence at the moment.

All of this has caused me to be unusually hostile, which is a fairly unusual reaction from me. Also, I generally don't look at things in absolutes, so what I say next, while not definitive, is a good approximation of how I feel right now.

If you are not my friend, than you are my enemy.

Again, this an abnormally hostile stance that I'm taking, but all will be well once those responsible are punished with the wicked blade of my vengeance. Woe unto ye nonbelievers, and remember my first commandment: Do not fuck with me or the people I care about.

Disclaimer: The above does not apply to most people that may read this. I love so many of you and know that you would not purposely do me harm. However there are some that may read this that will know they are implicated. Enjoy...

The Crackpots and These Women

What is it with women and trying to string guys along. I should preface this with the fact that this is not about me and is completely unrelated to the earlier entries from today. Besides being an inherently horrible thing to do, it causes an extra level of rage in me when it directed toward my best friend from not one, but two people. One of those two might read this, and if so....it would be in your best interest to speak to me....quickly.

On the previous topic....I still believe my decision was the appropriate one. I hope that the only person to disagree so far comes around given that it is that persons counsel I value above all others...

Drought Conditions (Redux)

So after reading the blog I posted, I decided to make it private for a little while, because I'm not sure I was as vague as I deemed necessary. So in the meantime, I'm just gonna say that this definitely changes things, if only a little. Perhaps I'll gain a little perspective on what some of the problems I've had are really all about.

Currently listening: Us and Them By Shinedown Release date: 04 October, 2005

Drought Conditions

I've been thinking about what I was going to put here for over an hour now, and I'm still at a loss for words. I've been meaning to catch up with my writing to the variety of things going on, from multiple job changes at work to the realization of a serious guilt problem I've developed in regards to my family. However none of that is particularly near the forefront of my mind right now. As usual I'm going to be vague, if only because I don't quite grasp yet what happened.

I don't know what good I imagined could have come from what I was doing. I refused to carry out my normal thought process. I was curious as to what the outcome would be, but I underestimated it by a couple orders of magnitude. I didn't consider that if it went the direction I thought it would, than it was likely to continue inexorably down that path. And so it did, at least temporarily. Once the tipping point was crossed I immediately knew that I needed to put some serious thought into what was happening. I throroughly enjoyed the ride while it lasted, but am glad that I could continue to be objective given the circumstances. And the second best part....no immediate consequences (other than some pain....but that's another story), in fact it ended up being a little humorous....I guess. Now I just have to figure out what this does to the big picutre.

Latest Edit: I've just made this public again....now that the whole thing has more or less resolved itself. As the comment left on my latest blog says: I made the right decision. If you want to hear the whole story, and trust me, you probably do, just ask, cause I aint postin it here, lol.

Memorial Day

Death is not something that I have had to deal with on many occasions. Generally the people that I've known that have died have been so far removed from me that the effect on me was minimal. I hadn't even been at a memorial service for anyone since I was 7. This was certainly going to be a day in which I couldn't know what to expect.

If you read 'Requiem,' a blog I wrote in April, you know that I lost someone that I cared about very much. It pained me that I couldn't go to Los Angeles to see him before he left us, but life being what it is, that was an opportunity I missed. However I take solace in knowing so many other people were there. Reading through the guestbook that they had down there was incredible. The stories people wrote were even more reminders of just what kind of impact he had. Even greater was the chance to meet a couple of the people that were important to him, his partner Bob, and one of his closest friends, Pam. It's was a shame to have met them under such circumstances, but certainly an amazing experience to immediately bond with them so closely.

June 3rd would have been Scooter's 49th birthday, a fitting day I suppose to celebrate all that he was to everyone. Not having attended this type of thing before, again, I didn't really know what to expect. However the one thing that I hoped for did happen, and that was closure. The only other person I've lost in recent times, I was unable to attend their memorial, which was alright though because we had a chance to speak in a way that we hadn't in years, and that was enough for me. But in this case I really hadn't found a way to deal with the whole thing. However as we all stood around the tree, each spreading a part of him in the place he most wanted to rest, I found myself overwhelmed by a sense of peace. Then as we went back to the gathering place I had the opportunity to sit with his mother (my great-aunt, with whom I'm very close) and cry, looking on as she held his favorite stuffed animal as a child, an artifact that had been found during the goings-thru of his belongings. Then after a round of comforting the siblings, whom I hadn't seen in far too long, the mood lightened again and everyone felt a bit better about things than they did only a few hours before.

I also had the opportunity to do something that I hadn't been able to do in far too long, and that was play catch with my cousin Dana. With a couple of exceptions (people that aren't particularly close to the rest of the family), I am basically the oldest of my generation in the family. Between that and my love of kids, I have always looked upon many of my cousins as though they were my own children. Dana was certainly one of the best examples of that, however we hadn't seen each other in a couple years. He's 16 now, something of which I do not approve of. Anyway, we finally had a chance to talk about life in general, and like I said, play catch (sports have always been something of a tradition with all of us kids). It felt good to have that back, especially on a day filled with so many different emotions.

One final random observation about being with so much of that side of the family again. I thought it was interesting how so many of them hiesitated before saying my name. That side of the family has always known me as J.T., however as I've gotten older some of them would always think that perhaps I'd outgrown it and would rather be called James. Then there is always that brief moment of understanding in their eyes when I reassure them in some way that the name didn't magically go away when I left home.

Anyway, I'm glad all of this feels right again. As much as we all miss you, we know that at least you aren't in pain anymore. And I know that if I'm wrong in all that I believe, then when you got there, you had a place of honor at His right hand, as no one would of deserved it more, because like you said, "It's been a good run."

Slow News Day

So it seems that my previous post was a bit presumptuous. While I am certainly displeased, angry even that I didn't get it, depressed I am not. In fact I'm doing quite well all things considered. Now I'm going to go enjoy a day off doing whatever with my best friend. I can't think of a better way to spend my day right now!

No Exit

Now I try not to be an arrogant person. I figure I know what I am capable of, and those who I wish to affiliate myself with are usually able to figure it out as well, if not fully than at least enough to do the job. So when someone is unable to see it, especially when it is most important, it bothers me. It makes me wonder if I shouldn't be more arrogant, exploit my intellect the way I once did. For those that haven't heard yet or didn't see the bulletin, I didn't get the job I applied for. I do not apply for a job unless I believe I am not only capable but likely to be the best at it. So when a job that so perfectly fits my talents slips through my fingers, well it is painful to say the least.

I sit in my current job bored out of my fucking mind. The ONLY thing I like about my job is the people. Everything else about it seriously makes me want to shoot my face off.

I could probably write on and on about this, but it hasn't fully hit me yet. Suffice it to say that by the time this is over I think I'm going to be a bit depressed, and by a bit I mean a lot. However for those of you that might worry, me being depressed a lot is probably pretty mild compared to most people so you need not worry about my well-being :D.

So to all of this I have only one question:

What's next?

Requiem

The past few weeks or so have been up or down to say the least. It was just over a week ago that somone very dear to me passed away. While it wasn't a surprise due to the nature of his illness, it has had me, as always, thinking. I can only hope to be able to leave this world having positively affected the lives of so many people. To be able to evoke such emotion with both the pen and the camera is an amazing talent. And to have used that talent to help make a work so loving and pure is a gift that everyone should be thankful for. Scooter, you had more of an impact on my life than you ever knew. For that and so many other things that there are not enough words to explain, you will be deeply missed.

I intended to go on about the good things that are happening, but I'm just going to leave it at this, and come back to write again another night.

The Midterms

As I sit here once again unable to sleep, I sit and think to myself that there is a way out. And that way is through my work. I'm not talking about the job that I got to everyday, I'm talking about the volunteer one, the one that actually is in the same vein as the career I want. If I immerse myself in my work then maybe I can forget about everything else. I've done it before and I can do it again. But at what cost. The first time I did it I had nothing left to lose, this time is quite a bit different. It doesn't help that there is a big part of me that is afraid that I'm just setting myself up for the same kind of fall that has happened before. I don't know, as usual I can't make sense of anything.

Here Today

So after some sleep, I am inclined to say that things are not in fact as bad as I implied earlier this morning. I was just frustrated, tired, and again, still not completely sober. The frustration seems to come from the fact that, as I know many people experience, advice works for everyone but themselves. In fact I find that despite the attitude I had, I have managed to, from what I can tell so far, accurately predict yet again the series of events that have brought me to this point. And I'd like to think I could have stopped it, given that the vast majority of those events took place in my mind.

Hope > False Hope > Hopelessness

I have had a discussion on that statement with various friends, and in the present context, this issue is that I stayed firmly in the middle one. Of course I was completely conscious of that fact the whole time, and I'd like to think I tried to fight it, but if I did, I essentiallly failed. If I would have tried harder to push myself fully into the third category, it would have been better. As odd as that sounds, had I become truly hopeless, the problem would have immediately solved itself, and I would have been fine. I've made the mistake before, and I will likely make it again.

However none of that matters right now. The day is beautiful and I don't work, so I'm going to enjoy it. I figure within a couple days I will have righted the wrongs I have committed and be back on course to, well to what I don't know anymore, but it isn't the destination that matters so much as the journey.

Currently listening: Arc En Ciel Pour Dal Toniens By La Caution Release date: 18 October, 2005

Things Fall Apart

Fine, I surrender. I understand now how flawed my reasoning is on, oh, well almost everything. And if you've ever taken my advice, than you may actually be even more naive and even stupid than myself, because I obviously don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. Now I should preface this with the fact that I am not 100% sober right now, however I am of enough of a right mind to know that what I write is essentially accurate, if perhaps an oversimplification. It's times like this that I wish a return to a simpler time, until I realize that ever since I made the choice to go down this road, things have never been simple. However everything that has, is, and will happen is of my own doing, and it is the price I pay for being the type of person I am. No regrets, no fucking regrets at all.

Consitutency of One

Valentine's Day is in general a day that I couldn't care less about. As I look at today, it was all and all a decent day, good times at work, nothing out of the ordinary bugging me. The fact that a long string of these holidays have been meaningless didn't really phase me. That was until my roommate got home and was handling things exactly the opposite of me. Unfortunately rather than my efforts succeeding in cheering him up, he managed to depress the hell out of me. However to counteract that, we're currently getting drunk and watching movies (I write this while we switch from one movie to another). Fortunately this activity has cheered me right back up, and I can say that this was in fact a good day. Tomorrow however, that could be a whole different story...

Enemies Foreign and Domestic

I have no inherent problem with religion, even though I am obviously not a religious person. Where my problem does lie is in the violence perpetrated in the names of deities. Perhaps it was insensitive that images considered insensitive to the Muslim world were published, however the backlash caused by that is purely reprehensible. If a single country were behind the attacks on various embassies, they would be considered an act of war. Of course the world we live in can't simply be defined in terms of countries.

Now all this isn't meant to portray Muslims in a bad light, it is merely the most current example. The vast majority of religions have committed atrocities under similar circumstances. I suppose my point in all this is that extremist elements in all the major religions are the biggest threat to peace throughout the world. It's a shame that people can't wage peace in the name of their god.

At the opposite end, and not based on anything in particular, I find it absurd how religion is being completely pushed out of our culture. Again, while I'm not religious, I have a distinct appreciation toward the tremendous good that religion can do. So when utterly benign things like Christmas celebrations, Ten Commandments displays in government buildings, any number of other things, are considered by the secular culture to be unfit, I consider it mildly disturbing to say the least. I could probably go on indefinitely about such things, but there will be a time and a place for such things.

For the more 'domestic' side of the title, I have to say that it is a shame more people don't think about the things they do before doing them. I'm all for a little harmless flirting, however there comes a time when people reach their limits. I'm glad I'm a bystander in this little show, cause there is still reasonably good odds that this story will get worse before it gets better. Ah what good times shall be had by all.

If you are still here, I hope you enjoyed the ride. Tune in next time as I take my shots at whatever random topic comes to mind, as that seems to be the type of mood I'm in lately.

Currently watching: Battlestar Galactica - Season 2.0 Release date: 20 December, 2005

Game On

Ok, I've tried writing this four or five times, but I can't seem to find an adequate way to put to text that which is ravaging through my mind. Now I can talk about it no problem, in fact I have on multiple occasions to a couple people. Mind you the problem I face, at least the specific one at this moment, is minor, though emblematic of a larger issue. What I've come to realize is that my strategy is flawed. If you've had any long conversations with me (you know who you are), than you probably realize what I'm talking about. The talks have led me to the simple conclusion that I need to just try and find the experiences and enjoy them for what they are, which is mostly nothing but fun. I believe the past week or so has headed somewhat in that direction, but the road is long and I am blind.

Currently listening: She Wants Revenge By She Wants Revenge Release date: 31 January, 2006