What is it with women and trying to string guys along. I should preface this with the fact that this is not about me and is completely unrelated to the earlier entries from today. Besides being an inherently horrible thing to do, it causes an extra level of rage in me when it directed toward my best friend from not one, but two people. One of those two might read this, and if so....it would be in your best interest to speak to me....quickly.
On the previous topic....I still believe my decision was the appropriate one. I hope that the only person to disagree so far comes around given that it is that persons counsel I value above all others...
Friday, August 4, 2006
Drought Conditions (Redux)
So after reading the blog I posted, I decided to make it private for a little while, because I'm not sure I was as vague as I deemed necessary. So in the meantime, I'm just gonna say that this definitely changes things, if only a little. Perhaps I'll gain a little perspective on what some of the problems I've had are really all about.
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Drought Conditions
I've been thinking about what I was going to put here for over an hour now, and I'm still at a loss for words. I've been meaning to catch up with my writing to the variety of things going on, from multiple job changes at work to the realization of a serious guilt problem I've developed in regards to my family. However none of that is particularly near the forefront of my mind right now. As usual I'm going to be vague, if only because I don't quite grasp yet what happened.
I don't know what good I imagined could have come from what I was doing. I refused to carry out my normal thought process. I was curious as to what the outcome would be, but I underestimated it by a couple orders of magnitude. I didn't consider that if it went the direction I thought it would, than it was likely to continue inexorably down that path. And so it did, at least temporarily. Once the tipping point was crossed I immediately knew that I needed to put some serious thought into what was happening. I throroughly enjoyed the ride while it lasted, but am glad that I could continue to be objective given the circumstances. And the second best part....no immediate consequences (other than some pain....but that's another story), in fact it ended up being a little humorous....I guess. Now I just have to figure out what this does to the big picutre.
Latest Edit: I've just made this public again....now that the whole thing has more or less resolved itself. As the comment left on my latest blog says: I made the right decision. If you want to hear the whole story, and trust me, you probably do, just ask, cause I aint postin it here, lol.
I don't know what good I imagined could have come from what I was doing. I refused to carry out my normal thought process. I was curious as to what the outcome would be, but I underestimated it by a couple orders of magnitude. I didn't consider that if it went the direction I thought it would, than it was likely to continue inexorably down that path. And so it did, at least temporarily. Once the tipping point was crossed I immediately knew that I needed to put some serious thought into what was happening. I throroughly enjoyed the ride while it lasted, but am glad that I could continue to be objective given the circumstances. And the second best part....no immediate consequences (other than some pain....but that's another story), in fact it ended up being a little humorous....I guess. Now I just have to figure out what this does to the big picutre.
Latest Edit: I've just made this public again....now that the whole thing has more or less resolved itself. As the comment left on my latest blog says: I made the right decision. If you want to hear the whole story, and trust me, you probably do, just ask, cause I aint postin it here, lol.
Sunday, June 4, 2006
Memorial Day
Death is not something that I have had to deal with on many occasions. Generally the people that I've known that have died have been so far removed from me that the effect on me was minimal. I hadn't even been at a memorial service for anyone since I was 7. This was certainly going to be a day in which I couldn't know what to expect.
If you read 'Requiem,' a blog I wrote in April, you know that I lost someone that I cared about very much. It pained me that I couldn't go to Los Angeles to see him before he left us, but life being what it is, that was an opportunity I missed. However I take solace in knowing so many other people were there. Reading through the guestbook that they had down there was incredible. The stories people wrote were even more reminders of just what kind of impact he had. Even greater was the chance to meet a couple of the people that were important to him, his partner Bob, and one of his closest friends, Pam. It's was a shame to have met them under such circumstances, but certainly an amazing experience to immediately bond with them so closely.
June 3rd would have been Scooter's 49th birthday, a fitting day I suppose to celebrate all that he was to everyone. Not having attended this type of thing before, again, I didn't really know what to expect. However the one thing that I hoped for did happen, and that was closure. The only other person I've lost in recent times, I was unable to attend their memorial, which was alright though because we had a chance to speak in a way that we hadn't in years, and that was enough for me. But in this case I really hadn't found a way to deal with the whole thing. However as we all stood around the tree, each spreading a part of him in the place he most wanted to rest, I found myself overwhelmed by a sense of peace. Then as we went back to the gathering place I had the opportunity to sit with his mother (my great-aunt, with whom I'm very close) and cry, looking on as she held his favorite stuffed animal as a child, an artifact that had been found during the goings-thru of his belongings. Then after a round of comforting the siblings, whom I hadn't seen in far too long, the mood lightened again and everyone felt a bit better about things than they did only a few hours before.
I also had the opportunity to do something that I hadn't been able to do in far too long, and that was play catch with my cousin Dana. With a couple of exceptions (people that aren't particularly close to the rest of the family), I am basically the oldest of my generation in the family. Between that and my love of kids, I have always looked upon many of my cousins as though they were my own children. Dana was certainly one of the best examples of that, however we hadn't seen each other in a couple years. He's 16 now, something of which I do not approve of. Anyway, we finally had a chance to talk about life in general, and like I said, play catch (sports have always been something of a tradition with all of us kids). It felt good to have that back, especially on a day filled with so many different emotions.
One final random observation about being with so much of that side of the family again. I thought it was interesting how so many of them hiesitated before saying my name. That side of the family has always known me as J.T., however as I've gotten older some of them would always think that perhaps I'd outgrown it and would rather be called James. Then there is always that brief moment of understanding in their eyes when I reassure them in some way that the name didn't magically go away when I left home.
Anyway, I'm glad all of this feels right again. As much as we all miss you, we know that at least you aren't in pain anymore. And I know that if I'm wrong in all that I believe, then when you got there, you had a place of honor at His right hand, as no one would of deserved it more, because like you said, "It's been a good run."
If you read 'Requiem,' a blog I wrote in April, you know that I lost someone that I cared about very much. It pained me that I couldn't go to Los Angeles to see him before he left us, but life being what it is, that was an opportunity I missed. However I take solace in knowing so many other people were there. Reading through the guestbook that they had down there was incredible. The stories people wrote were even more reminders of just what kind of impact he had. Even greater was the chance to meet a couple of the people that were important to him, his partner Bob, and one of his closest friends, Pam. It's was a shame to have met them under such circumstances, but certainly an amazing experience to immediately bond with them so closely.
June 3rd would have been Scooter's 49th birthday, a fitting day I suppose to celebrate all that he was to everyone. Not having attended this type of thing before, again, I didn't really know what to expect. However the one thing that I hoped for did happen, and that was closure. The only other person I've lost in recent times, I was unable to attend their memorial, which was alright though because we had a chance to speak in a way that we hadn't in years, and that was enough for me. But in this case I really hadn't found a way to deal with the whole thing. However as we all stood around the tree, each spreading a part of him in the place he most wanted to rest, I found myself overwhelmed by a sense of peace. Then as we went back to the gathering place I had the opportunity to sit with his mother (my great-aunt, with whom I'm very close) and cry, looking on as she held his favorite stuffed animal as a child, an artifact that had been found during the goings-thru of his belongings. Then after a round of comforting the siblings, whom I hadn't seen in far too long, the mood lightened again and everyone felt a bit better about things than they did only a few hours before.
I also had the opportunity to do something that I hadn't been able to do in far too long, and that was play catch with my cousin Dana. With a couple of exceptions (people that aren't particularly close to the rest of the family), I am basically the oldest of my generation in the family. Between that and my love of kids, I have always looked upon many of my cousins as though they were my own children. Dana was certainly one of the best examples of that, however we hadn't seen each other in a couple years. He's 16 now, something of which I do not approve of. Anyway, we finally had a chance to talk about life in general, and like I said, play catch (sports have always been something of a tradition with all of us kids). It felt good to have that back, especially on a day filled with so many different emotions.
One final random observation about being with so much of that side of the family again. I thought it was interesting how so many of them hiesitated before saying my name. That side of the family has always known me as J.T., however as I've gotten older some of them would always think that perhaps I'd outgrown it and would rather be called James. Then there is always that brief moment of understanding in their eyes when I reassure them in some way that the name didn't magically go away when I left home.
Anyway, I'm glad all of this feels right again. As much as we all miss you, we know that at least you aren't in pain anymore. And I know that if I'm wrong in all that I believe, then when you got there, you had a place of honor at His right hand, as no one would of deserved it more, because like you said, "It's been a good run."
Saturday, May 20, 2006
Slow News Day
So it seems that my previous post was a bit presumptuous. While I am certainly displeased, angry even that I didn't get it, depressed I am not. In fact I'm doing quite well all things considered. Now I'm going to go enjoy a day off doing whatever with my best friend. I can't think of a better way to spend my day right now!
Thursday, May 18, 2006
No Exit
Now I try not to be an arrogant person. I figure I know what I am capable of, and those who I wish to affiliate myself with are usually able to figure it out as well, if not fully than at least enough to do the job. So when someone is unable to see it, especially when it is most important, it bothers me. It makes me wonder if I shouldn't be more arrogant, exploit my intellect the way I once did. For those that haven't heard yet or didn't see the bulletin, I didn't get the job I applied for. I do not apply for a job unless I believe I am not only capable but likely to be the best at it. So when a job that so perfectly fits my talents slips through my fingers, well it is painful to say the least.
I sit in my current job bored out of my fucking mind. The ONLY thing I like about my job is the people. Everything else about it seriously makes me want to shoot my face off.
I could probably write on and on about this, but it hasn't fully hit me yet. Suffice it to say that by the time this is over I think I'm going to be a bit depressed, and by a bit I mean a lot. However for those of you that might worry, me being depressed a lot is probably pretty mild compared to most people so you need not worry about my well-being :D.
So to all of this I have only one question:
What's next?
I sit in my current job bored out of my fucking mind. The ONLY thing I like about my job is the people. Everything else about it seriously makes me want to shoot my face off.
I could probably write on and on about this, but it hasn't fully hit me yet. Suffice it to say that by the time this is over I think I'm going to be a bit depressed, and by a bit I mean a lot. However for those of you that might worry, me being depressed a lot is probably pretty mild compared to most people so you need not worry about my well-being :D.
So to all of this I have only one question:
What's next?
Monday, April 17, 2006
Requiem
The past few weeks or so have been up or down to say the least. It was just over a week ago that somone very dear to me passed away. While it wasn't a surprise due to the nature of his illness, it has had me, as always, thinking. I can only hope to be able to leave this world having positively affected the lives of so many people. To be able to evoke such emotion with both the pen and the camera is an amazing talent. And to have used that talent to help make a work so loving and pure is a gift that everyone should be thankful for. Scooter, you had more of an impact on my life than you ever knew. For that and so many other things that there are not enough words to explain, you will be deeply missed.
I intended to go on about the good things that are happening, but I'm just going to leave it at this, and come back to write again another night.
I intended to go on about the good things that are happening, but I'm just going to leave it at this, and come back to write again another night.
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