I Get By With A Little Help From My Friends

Mmm I get high with a little help from my friends,
Oh I'm gonna try with a little help from my friens.

'With a Little Help from My Friends' - The Beatles


Ok, first off....I'm fine. Last night was the result of, well who the hell knows, but I'm fine now. As has happened many times before, I went to work, and as the title states, got by with a little help from my friends. I think some venting was all I needed, and perhaps a little perspective. I recieved both, and from those that didn't know the story, still got at the very minimum them doing what they could to make me smile. It is those moments that remind me why I won't go to Bellevue. And Mr. Stalker, I owe you a drink, maybe a couple if it all works. Even if you were only partly right, the point was well taken. If you were completely right, well then this is gonna be fun.

So as I said, past three weeks have been amazing. If you plan on reading this all, I recommend grabbing a drink, perhaps stretch a bit so you aren't as stiff when you stand up at a much later time.

Like true Americans, Aaron, Brian and I wanted to do something special for Memorial Day. What better way to show our patriotism than a trip to Canada. Wait...that makes no sense...which is good because neither did any of the planning that went into this. We headed up Friday evening with absolutely no idea what we were doing. We had one birth certificate (mine) between the three of us, one out of state driver's license (Aaron's), and no hotel reservations. As we found out upon reaching the border, customs was not amused. After being questioned by a Canadian border patrol officer, she allowed us through and told us not to pull a stunt like this again without a bit more planning or identification. So with that out of the way, we continued northward.

We reached Vancouver fairly quickly, but found ourselves in one of the more seedy parts of the city, made obvious by the fact that the first hotel we saw had a big flashing sign saying "Girls, Girls, Girls." So we debated the positives and negatives of the place (positives = well....girls, obviously, negatives = probably getting knived before, during, and/or after). This debate lasted approximately 3/4 of a second, so we continued on. Next place looked more reputable but had no rooms. Next place was downtown....four stars, and way the hell more money than we were prepared to spend. Hell, when we finally found a room it still ran us CDN$250 (which is like US$12,000.....stupid metric dollars). Also of note was the residential house across the street. Odd place for a house, in the middle of downtown....more odd is that it looked like the house from Fight Club...also odd was the massive party going on there. Passed on party, chose sleep instead.

Saturday took us to Granville Island (public market and a brewery), EAT! Vancouver (giant food and drink festival) at BC Arena, Earl's (best restaurant ever, but mostly due to the...scenery), an attempt at night clubs (failed miserably), and the Richmond Night Market. Specifics of note...Aaron judged an international Chili championship event, and we discovered some amazing alcohol at EAT!...found Canada's version of Rockstar 21, which is vastly superior...spent 1/2 hr searching for night market, which is apparently hidden.

Sunday's most important event was going to a pub downtown called the Irish Heather. Absofuckinglutely amazing. Perhaps the best corned beef and cabbage I've ever had, along with some good pints and an amazing atmosphere. We stayed there two hours and didn't realize it. Stopped off at duty-free store on the way back, but was horribly disappointed. Then came the grand attempt at reentering the country. Now I should probably mention here that there is a strange piece of trivia about me. EVERY time I've left the country, the people accompanying me only been allowed into the country due to the benevolence of the officers interrogating us, generally after some sort of egregious rule violation. However I've never come so close to not being able to come home. We obviously ran into the same problem as going in, two people's lack of 2nd ID. I can sum up the confrontation in one quote, stated by the burly immigrations guy..."How are you going to satisfy me." Well, we made it home, thankfully.

The following weekend found Bret, Josh, and I going to see Senator Barack Obama (D-Illinois) speak at the Qwest Field Event Center, or whatever its called. Damned amazing speaker, and definitely stands a helluva shot...should be a fun race. Afterward we stopped as F.X. McRory's for some beers, then to Dante's for more beers with Kevin, Travis, Adam, Tavis, and another guy whose name eludes me. Much debate, much yelling, and much, much, drinking. Also the horrifying lesson that Tavis can't read, which cost me more money than I'd have liked. Also inadvertantely made plans for the next day after having a text messaging war with Tavis, Adam and I on one side, and Alex on the other. So the next day Matt, Alex and I had lunch, walked Greenlake, and just hung out. Also built Gir's new desktop. Then this past weekend was running errands with Gir, re-building Steve's computer, and hanging out with Alex Saturday (lunch, and then dinner and 'Knocked Up' with Caleb, Adam, and Ross). Found out that mixing drinks while sitting in a theater is awesome. Then Sunday was Alex's 21st B-Day party/Danielle's Graduation party. Pickleball, Basketball, Corona's and Margeritas...pretty much sums up the day (that and being able to use the phrase "Alex' Mom got us liquored up).

So no matter how bad I made things out to be last night...that was temporary, because damn, the past three weeks have been so much fun.

Well I've Never Prayed But Tonight I'm On My Knees Yeah

I need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me yeah.
'Bittersweet Symphony' - The Verve

I suppose I'll have to come back and write about the past three weekends, because you know what, they've been fantastic. Unfortunately I followed it up with, well I can't begin to understand the place I'm in now...

You know its funny, I could end so much of it right now. All I have to do I think is say the word and I have a new store. An exit from the madness. But wouldn't that be just running away from my problems. God knows they've followed me this far, what makes me think that an extra little change in location will alter anything.

But what exactly is the problem. I've written about my thoughts on this before, and god knows I've had many thoughts on the topic, but I'm nowhere closer to an answer. What I can say is that try as I might, nothing those close to me have said or done could have truly changed anything. I apologize for holding any of you even slightly responsible. I could have just ignored everything that was said, but I CHOSE not to. And I apologize to the one that triggered all of this, because if its been as obvious as people have implied, than I have committed a terrible wrong. But I'm done. For the sake of my sanity I can do nothing less.

There are so many thoughts going through my head right now, but none of them help me in even the slightest way. So now I attempt to sleep, retreating to that place I have mentioned before, the prison that is my mind. In the darkest corners therein I hear the drums of another battle and a scream inspired by the Bard, "Cry havoc, and let slip the dogs of war." Somehow when the battle is done, I just hope I go back to where I was on March 16th, 2007.


--Edit
There is another quote, similarly inspired as the one used in my previous blog (this is dialogue, so one speaker will be in bold, the other not):

I think there comes a time when a man has to ask himself if he wants a life of happiness or a life of meaning.
I'd like to have both
Can't be done, two very different paths. I'm mean, to be truly happy, a man must live absolutely in the present. No thought of what's gone before and no thought of what lies ahead. A life of meaning, a man is condemned to wallow in the past and obsess about the future.

There's Somethin Happenin Here, and What It Is Ain't Exactly Clear

'For What It's Worth' - Buffalo Springfield

I can't say that the following has any specific meaning toward current events, it is simply a quote that has stuck with me since hearing it. You may recognize it, you may not. If you do recognize it, you can't tell me that it wasn't perfect, for both what it specifically referring to and for many other things as well. For real current events, I will write soon about the Canada trip...good times had by all.

"Where does it come from, this quest? This need to solve life's mysteries when the simplest questions can never be answered. Why are we here? What is the soul? Why do we dream? Perhaps we'd be better off not looking at all. Not delving, not yearning. That's not human nature, not the human heart. That is not why we are here. Yet still we struggle to make a difference, to change the world, to dream of hope, never knowing for certain who we will meet along the way. Who among the world of strangers will hold our hand, touch our hearts, and share the pain of trying?"

"We dream of hope, we dream of change, of fire, of love, of death. And then it happens, the dream becomes real. And the answer to this quest, this need to solve life's mysteries finally shows itself, like the glowing light of the new dawn. So much struggle for meaning, for purpose, but in the end, we find it only in each other. Our shared experience of the fantastic....and the mundane. The simple human need to find a kindred, to connect, and to know in our heart that we are not alone."

I Say the Comedy, Is That It's Serious

Which is a strange enough new play on words.
'The Remedy' - Jason Mraz

I have to say, been a damn good weekend. Nothin terribly exciting, just good times all around. However a thought continues to fester. I have had an ongoing debate with a few friends regarding the nature of relationships. I still hold fast that I have been right all along, the ramifications of which honestly don't bother me. But will the debate go too far. At what point does one of us say the wrong thing at the wrong time, at which point my guilt will look incontrovertible. But I suppose with everything I just overanalyze. I just have to hope that people remember my actual intentions, or lack thereof. On the plus side I know that these few friends say the things they do out of a considerable sense of loyalty and caring and for that I am grateful, and I'm glad I had the chance to tell one of them that the other night.

Though back to the good stuff, damn Friday was a good time, definitely needed that. Took my mind off stuff for the most part. Shame that its back to the grind tomorrow, but then again maybe there will be good news at work too, who knows. Also finally looking at getting a house. Should be five of us living there, gonna be pretty damn awesome. Might take a couple months to get things squared away due to the variety of leases we are under, but one way or another it is imminent. Got a lot to look forward too...good times ahead. Feels nice saying that for once.

While Everyone's Lost, the Battle is Won, With All These Things That I've Done

'All These Things That I Have Done' - The Killers

Well, the guilt trip I put myself on was totally unexpected. But then again I had originally planned out things slightly different. One event was going to roll seamlessly into the next, and the day was going to be pretty much fantastic. However I managed to botch that so thoroughly that now I am left to wonder what the hell I was thinking. But then I know exactly what I was thinking don't I? But I suppose what I did was necessary to put my mind at ease on the topic at hand. With that out of the way I can move on and hope that I didn't screw up something else in the process. I can also realize that to answer my question from yesterday's blog, the nature of my insanity was the former of the three, much as I had expected. Now I wait and see whether or not the price of that knowledge was more than I was prepared to pay. I could of course just be overreacting as to what the consequences may be, but then again it is rare that my actions put me in the position of looking like a complete dick.

So to the person that I screwed today, you have my sincerest apologies...they may not be necessary because you may not have thought it was a big deal, but I really had been looking forward to it. I hope you take solace knowing that I found some answers in the process.

And to the two that "planted the seed of possibility," and I know at least one of the two of you will read this.....I'm fine now, I just needed to put things back into perspective, and it was the perspective that I had held before. Pessimism and personal demons win again.

Then It Comes To Be That the Soothing Light

at the End of your tunnel
Is just a freight train comin your way.

'No Leaf Clover' - Metallica

So I started this with a discourse about how a single word or phrase could fundamentally alter ones perception of their reality. However it strikes me that it didn't adequately portray my point, so here I start again. Maybe it is this constant rewriting that keeps me from posting these more than every, oh three months or so...

It is said that hope springs eternal. I don't know if that is true, but I can say with certainty that it will spring from the most random of places and for no rational reason. I had a discussion with some friends about the goings on in my life as of late, and was being pushed toward a single conclusion. Now as my inner demons play an epic tug-of-war, I'm forced to ask myself, am I insane for thinking that they are on to something, am I insane for letting the conversation get to me, or am I insane and they were right on everything and I just can't see it? Obviously at this point I have conceeded that the sanity isn't so much here regardless of the outcome, but this should not come as a surprise for anyone. All things considered this isn't that big of a deal, but it is the type of thing that gets the mind running a marathon.

As for all the other things I should have written about by now....oy vay. Why I don't do this more to just vent about the random things rather than waiting until something forces me to write, I don't know.

Saturday was a fairly nice day...not terribly sunny, but warm, and with an occasional light rain. Ever since I have been filled with anticipation for the coming of Spring. For some reason it strikes me as a major event for the year. Maybe its the variety of things that are more suited for temperate weather that I can now do with reckless abandon, maybe its just a way to mark the passage of time, who knows.

I also have finally had one of those moments where I was totally addicted to this damn site. It's funny how the smallest thing can trigger an upswell of interest in ones page. Was amusing to have new messages almost faster than I could refresh. Who knew all it required was one minor change to my profile...

There is only one thing about my job that I truly like, as I've mentioned many an occasion, the people. I like how every so often you will randomly get closer with someone than you expected. I love how on even rarer occasions you will find many of those kind all at once.

And now my mind suddenly is randomly going through topics. Rollercoaster time.....I upgraded my computer to Vista and really like it......having to use a steam cleaner on the same two spots over 20 times blows.......where in the hell is Marysville at?.....Josh and Tavis, are you two out of your god damn minds?........think I'm going to go back to playing tennis every week as soon as the weather is nicer......holy crap, this is going to degrade into word association soon, perhaps I should stop.

Life Is So Strange, When You Don't Know

How can you tell, where you're goin to?
You can't be sure of any situation,
something can change, and then you won't know.

'Destination Unknown' - Smashing Pumpkins

After considerable time off from writing these, I sit here preparing for the end of yet another year. I look back at these past 12 months and realize that very little good has come of it. Now that's not to say that it was an inherently bad year, but I was basically treading water. There have also been some amazing highs. I got to know many of my friends far better, as well as meeting new ones that I have become very close to very fast.

However through all of this I have fought to find a way to change things, and over the course of the past couple weeks I think I finally figured out how. I'm not going to go into details quite yet as I have a little to work out but I can say this. I believe I finally have the answers to many of the questions I've been asking. I know what I have to do to fix things, and to say that it is drastic would be an understatement. Is it risky, oh yeah. Are the rewards greater than I can imagine, nope, they are exactly what I can imagine, and that is what excites me. I'm gonna need some support on this one.

Tune in later this week for my year in review. It'll be like "The Lost Episodes" for all those times I didn't write a blog or said "I'll write about it later." You know you want to see it.