Somebody's gonna come undone, there's nothing we can do.
Everybody wants to touch somebody, if it takes all night.
Everybody wants to take a little chance, make it come out right.
There's gonna be a heartache tonight, a heartache tonight, I know.
There's gonna be a heartache tonight, I know, Lord, I know.
'Heartache Tonight' - The Eagles
Well, if the answer isn't blatantly obvious, then please stop reading and bludgeon yourself with something nearby. It'd be nice if everyone that is going to ask questions would just read this, have their answer, and let it die, but that will not be the case. I expect to come into work tomorrow and be bombarded with the same questions I have been for the past three months. At least those of you that hate her can take solace that I'm not about to do something you think is stupid, as though I give a damn what you have to say at this point. One has to wonder, is it self-fulfilling prophecy, my ability to be almost always right (I had doubts for a reason...), or simply what happens when one tries to play a game that they don't understand.
I suppose I can comfort myself knowing that at least I tried in a way I hadn't before. I started this off by straight up asking her out, and I still deny that it is my fault that she didn't get my intentions. Now any lack of sparks after that (though I still don't know if they were wanted or not), well that is my complete inability to know what to do when the time strikes. As for that issue that sprang up that surprised me about the thing that would stop it that I couldn't control? Well that was my age, and in retrospect, that excuse was complete and utter bullshit. No matter, still gonna have to finish the conversation, cause god knows I wasn't through, and I doubt you were either.
Ya know what though, its all ok. I've got three girls that love me unconditionally, and I could use some more time to spend with them. In fact one has somehow learned to type at the ripe old age of one month, as evidenced by her commentary on previous blogs. The other two I haven't seen in far too long (ok, all three of you I haven't seen, but Kyle, you don't work as an appropriate example here :P)
On a side note, the other option for title of this was from 'Come Sail Away' by Styx, because it would be fitting for myself, the Captain of the S.S. Failboat. Yes, that was meant to be self-deprecating, don't feel guilty for laughing.
Edit: Something that I thought of after I was done. I write about the failures that mean something, because they are generally important events in the going-ons of my life. What you don't see or hear, as I generally don't even bring them up, are the smaller failures, the ones involving people I may barely know, the ones we all have in the course of our efforts. Know that my dry streaks in either method are equal in there immensity. My point is, don't for a moment believe that the two people I've written about during the past year are by any means the only ones with whom nothing has happened. They are just the ones that stick with me. You can't assume anything about who or what I'm looking for, or how my approaches tend to be, from those limited examples.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Sunday, April 27, 2008
I Don't Know Why You Want to Follow Me Tonight
When the rest of the world, with whom I've crossed and I've quarreled,
Let's me down so, for a thousand reasons that I know.
To share forever the unrest, with all the demons I possess,
Beneath the silver moon.
Maybe you were right, but baby I was lonely.
I don't want to fight, I'm tired of being sorry.
Chandler and Van Nuys, with all the vampires and their brides.
We're all bloodless and blind, and longing for a life,
Beyond the silver moon.
'Tired of Being Sorry' - Ringside
(From the soundtrack that is Best Buy Radio, my first month there)
"Not once has anyone said I'm out of my fucking mind." As it turns out, it is being said, but not to my face. It is being talked about, apparently at length. And now I'm left to figure out who all was prepared to stand against me, but remain silent until the time arrived. I seek this information not to exact punishment, but to explain myself, as apparently I need to do. The people whom I choose to associate with, among other things, are trusted to provide me counsel. Now when and under what circumstances that counsel is to be provided is not negotiable. It can be given all the time. I understand that many may not feel comfortable saying the truth to my face, in an attempt not to hurt me. However wouldn't the consequences of saying nothing be far greater?
Last year, people had less of a problem telling me that what I was doing was only going to end with me getting hurt. In fact I didn't listen to those warnings as much as I should of. So it is only fair that I am surprised now that no one has spoken up. I suppose my biggest defense to people saying that I've headed down the wrong path both times, is that you have never saw what it was that made me go there. Perhaps I am a man of simple pleasures, but I am drawn to things that make me happy, as I would think most of us are. I think back to last year, one day in particular that I wrote about shortly after it happened. There was in that one day, so many different kinds of happiness, that it completely undid the progress I'd made in moving on, and reminded me why I had picked that path. All of that happened in one place, and all of that now exists only in my memory, as I can say with a fair amount of certainty that the other party has long forgotten it. I suppose it is that thought that helped me understand one of the many reasons it would have never worked.
I mention that now because it is from the evidence of things not seen by everyone else (and some things that have been seen I suppose) that I have had my moments of happiness lately. I understand that people disagree with my plans. To be perfectly honest, I've had more than my share of second thoughts lately, and have been pretty damned close to just throwing in the towel. But whenever I have them, they tend to be immediately followed by a moment that reminds me how it started.
So what would you all have me do? I have no illusions as to my ability to please everyone, in fact I have no desire to do so. I feel as though I'm on top of a sharp precipice. If I fall one way, I may lose many, but how much do they really care if they would leave me under those circumstances? If I fall the other way, I lose something that I probably don't even have and may have even been ready to give up to begin with. The third option is to impale myself upon the precipice. That seems like a mighty fine option right now.
My friends, I ask only this of you. Please, please, please, tell me the truth now. How bad has this actually gotten? Is it so bad as to cause you to forsake me, as was said to me tonight? I've lost many people before this, and am sure to lose many in the future. If I am to lose many now, I'd at least like some warning.
P.S. - To those friends that predate my current employer, this is not for you, so calm down.
Let's me down so, for a thousand reasons that I know.
To share forever the unrest, with all the demons I possess,
Beneath the silver moon.
Maybe you were right, but baby I was lonely.
I don't want to fight, I'm tired of being sorry.
Chandler and Van Nuys, with all the vampires and their brides.
We're all bloodless and blind, and longing for a life,
Beyond the silver moon.
'Tired of Being Sorry' - Ringside
(From the soundtrack that is Best Buy Radio, my first month there)
"Not once has anyone said I'm out of my fucking mind." As it turns out, it is being said, but not to my face. It is being talked about, apparently at length. And now I'm left to figure out who all was prepared to stand against me, but remain silent until the time arrived. I seek this information not to exact punishment, but to explain myself, as apparently I need to do. The people whom I choose to associate with, among other things, are trusted to provide me counsel. Now when and under what circumstances that counsel is to be provided is not negotiable. It can be given all the time. I understand that many may not feel comfortable saying the truth to my face, in an attempt not to hurt me. However wouldn't the consequences of saying nothing be far greater?
Last year, people had less of a problem telling me that what I was doing was only going to end with me getting hurt. In fact I didn't listen to those warnings as much as I should of. So it is only fair that I am surprised now that no one has spoken up. I suppose my biggest defense to people saying that I've headed down the wrong path both times, is that you have never saw what it was that made me go there. Perhaps I am a man of simple pleasures, but I am drawn to things that make me happy, as I would think most of us are. I think back to last year, one day in particular that I wrote about shortly after it happened. There was in that one day, so many different kinds of happiness, that it completely undid the progress I'd made in moving on, and reminded me why I had picked that path. All of that happened in one place, and all of that now exists only in my memory, as I can say with a fair amount of certainty that the other party has long forgotten it. I suppose it is that thought that helped me understand one of the many reasons it would have never worked.
I mention that now because it is from the evidence of things not seen by everyone else (and some things that have been seen I suppose) that I have had my moments of happiness lately. I understand that people disagree with my plans. To be perfectly honest, I've had more than my share of second thoughts lately, and have been pretty damned close to just throwing in the towel. But whenever I have them, they tend to be immediately followed by a moment that reminds me how it started.
So what would you all have me do? I have no illusions as to my ability to please everyone, in fact I have no desire to do so. I feel as though I'm on top of a sharp precipice. If I fall one way, I may lose many, but how much do they really care if they would leave me under those circumstances? If I fall the other way, I lose something that I probably don't even have and may have even been ready to give up to begin with. The third option is to impale myself upon the precipice. That seems like a mighty fine option right now.
My friends, I ask only this of you. Please, please, please, tell me the truth now. How bad has this actually gotten? Is it so bad as to cause you to forsake me, as was said to me tonight? I've lost many people before this, and am sure to lose many in the future. If I am to lose many now, I'd at least like some warning.
P.S. - To those friends that predate my current employer, this is not for you, so calm down.
Friday, April 25, 2008
And I Forget Just What It Takes, And Yet I Guess It Makes Me Smile
I found its hard, its hard to find, oh well, whatever, nevermind.
'Smells Like Teen Spirit' - Nirvana
And offhand remark earlier today from someone I hardly know kind of put me on edge. There are only two reasons that someone outside my normal group of confidants would have reason to comment on my predicament. Either they have witnessed first-hand the way things are going, or it has been a topic of discussion with those who have spoken with me. Now I don't really take issue with the rumor mill at work, as it is mostly irrelevant to me. Despite my cryptic form of writing, I am mostly an open book, I just prefer that people ask if they want specifics, rather than throwing out all the truth in these pages.
However as I consider everything I can't help but wonder something. Given the considerable quantity of people who know, who out there would stop me? Recently my status showed me as "Stinger is wondering how three or four dozen people can be wrong." This stemmed from a random thought I had about all the people (and that number is not an exaggeration) who have commented or questioned me. In all these conversations, not once has anyone said "You are out of your fucking mind." I think the closest to that was Steve, and even he censored his response to some degree, as I learned later.
I don't even know what my point is here. Maybe I'm just questioning everything, as usual. I guess I am just wondering what this has been, and what this shall be. The only piece of slightly hard evidence was a comment passed onto me mere hours before I pulled the trigger again. And yet it is only slightly more solid than all that I have seen with my own eyes. Unfortunately my vision is not so good, both physically and metaphorically. I think I need to get out of the house for a few, maybe clear my head a bit.
Oh yeah, one last note. So while writing this, I was going to reference something I wrote about long ago. While I couldn't find it, it led me to reread some old entries. Doing that reminded me of something, something I don't think enough of you, particularly those who read these often, don't truly appreciate. I am apparently completely insane. One person referred to my entries as 'deep,' which I suppose could be true. Another has referred to me as 'angsty.' Given my vague musings, I suppose that is fitting. Again, I don't know where I'm going with this...bye.
'Smells Like Teen Spirit' - Nirvana
And offhand remark earlier today from someone I hardly know kind of put me on edge. There are only two reasons that someone outside my normal group of confidants would have reason to comment on my predicament. Either they have witnessed first-hand the way things are going, or it has been a topic of discussion with those who have spoken with me. Now I don't really take issue with the rumor mill at work, as it is mostly irrelevant to me. Despite my cryptic form of writing, I am mostly an open book, I just prefer that people ask if they want specifics, rather than throwing out all the truth in these pages.
However as I consider everything I can't help but wonder something. Given the considerable quantity of people who know, who out there would stop me? Recently my status showed me as "Stinger is wondering how three or four dozen people can be wrong." This stemmed from a random thought I had about all the people (and that number is not an exaggeration) who have commented or questioned me. In all these conversations, not once has anyone said "You are out of your fucking mind." I think the closest to that was Steve, and even he censored his response to some degree, as I learned later.
I don't even know what my point is here. Maybe I'm just questioning everything, as usual. I guess I am just wondering what this has been, and what this shall be. The only piece of slightly hard evidence was a comment passed onto me mere hours before I pulled the trigger again. And yet it is only slightly more solid than all that I have seen with my own eyes. Unfortunately my vision is not so good, both physically and metaphorically. I think I need to get out of the house for a few, maybe clear my head a bit.
Oh yeah, one last note. So while writing this, I was going to reference something I wrote about long ago. While I couldn't find it, it led me to reread some old entries. Doing that reminded me of something, something I don't think enough of you, particularly those who read these often, don't truly appreciate. I am apparently completely insane. One person referred to my entries as 'deep,' which I suppose could be true. Another has referred to me as 'angsty.' Given my vague musings, I suppose that is fitting. Again, I don't know where I'm going with this...bye.
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
She's Got a Smile That It Seems to Me, Reminds Me of Childhood Memories
Where everything was as fresh as the bright blue sky.
Now and then when I see her face, she takes me away to that special place.
And if I’d stare to long, I’d probably break down and cry.
Ohhhh sweet child o’ mine, ohhhh sweet love of mine.
’Sweet Child O’ Mine’ - Guns N’ Roses
Leota Rose Mortimer
Born: April 1st, 2008 at 10:31 PDT
Weight: 8 pounds, 8 ounces
Length: 21 inches
I can’t even begin to put into words how I feel right now. After all the waiting, the worrying, everything, holding my goddaughter in my arms was something I simply don’t have words for. Hopefully this picture will do the job.
Now and then when I see her face, she takes me away to that special place.
And if I’d stare to long, I’d probably break down and cry.
Ohhhh sweet child o’ mine, ohhhh sweet love of mine.
’Sweet Child O’ Mine’ - Guns N’ Roses
Leota Rose Mortimer
Born: April 1st, 2008 at 10:31 PDT
Weight: 8 pounds, 8 ounces
Length: 21 inches
I can’t even begin to put into words how I feel right now. After all the waiting, the worrying, everything, holding my goddaughter in my arms was something I simply don’t have words for. Hopefully this picture will do the job.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Everytime That I Look in the Mirror, All These Lines On My Face Gettin' Clearer
The past is gone, it went by like dusk to dawn.
Isn’t that the way, everybody’s got their dues in life to pay.
I know what nobody knows, where it comes and where it goes.
I know its everbody’s sin, you got to lose to know how to win.
Half my life is in books written pages, live and learn from fools and from sages.
You know its true, all the things come back to you.
Sing with me, sing for the years, sing for the laughter, sing for the tears.
Sing with me, if its just for today, maybe tomorrow the good lord will take you away.
’Dream On’ - Aerosmith
Well now I’m completely out of ideas. I thought that for once the pieces had fallen into place. Its possible they still have, but the question is how hard can I fight for it without screwing things up. I think what will disappoint me most is if the thing that screwed me up, is something that I had literally no control over. Then again it was an issue to me at one time, and I got over it. However at the moment this looks to be a complete repeat of my last few tries. Hmmm...I suppose smarter people than I would have seen this coming.
At least tomorrow will bring good, though completely unrelated, news, and expect a phenomenally happy post talking about it.
Isn’t that the way, everybody’s got their dues in life to pay.
I know what nobody knows, where it comes and where it goes.
I know its everbody’s sin, you got to lose to know how to win.
Half my life is in books written pages, live and learn from fools and from sages.
You know its true, all the things come back to you.
Sing with me, sing for the years, sing for the laughter, sing for the tears.
Sing with me, if its just for today, maybe tomorrow the good lord will take you away.
’Dream On’ - Aerosmith
Well now I’m completely out of ideas. I thought that for once the pieces had fallen into place. Its possible they still have, but the question is how hard can I fight for it without screwing things up. I think what will disappoint me most is if the thing that screwed me up, is something that I had literally no control over. Then again it was an issue to me at one time, and I got over it. However at the moment this looks to be a complete repeat of my last few tries. Hmmm...I suppose smarter people than I would have seen this coming.
At least tomorrow will bring good, though completely unrelated, news, and expect a phenomenally happy post talking about it.
Sunday, March 16, 2008
I'm Runnin' Down a Dream, That Never Would've Come To Me
Workin’ on a mystery, goin’ wherever it leads.
’Runnin’ Down a Dream’ - Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers
Last night I found myself at Gabriel/Matt/Dan’s place for an appearance at their St. Patrick’s Day party. I find it interesting that I would find myself in that same place, one year to the day since my epic failure of ’07 started. And I am once again attempting to understand just what is going on with myself and those I spend my time with. On the one hand, I don’t want to read too much into the same actions that I did last time around, because that only ended in my getting hurt pretty damned badly. But there is something different this time, or so I’d like to believe. Maybe soon I can give a real answer to the 17 people who wanted to know what’s going on. In spite of the uncertainty, I have been enjoying trying to figure this one out. I haven’t put myself on the line yet, I’ve just been having fun and seeing where this road leads. Anyway, enough of that, it was just good to be out seeing everyone. I really have missed so many of you.
In fact it worked out well because I basically got to see everyone yesterday, as I spent the first part of my evening up at Matt and Emily’s. Just sittin around playing games and chillin with everyone was awesome. The only thing that would have made yesterday better would have been if I hadn’t contracted the Ebola virus. I am currently in that part of the process that invovles wrapping myself in blankets and being a whiny little bitch. I’m sure this was brought on due to my expelling all remaining energy last night, but you know what, it was worth it. Now I attempt to summon just a little more energy, as something has already gone amiss today, and I’m not sure yet how to fix it.
And by the way, remember to tune in next time, where I will likely be telling a story that invovles at least three government agencies that generally go by three-letter acronyms. It looks like my arch-nemesis has returned, and so help me god, he will pay for what he’s done this time. No, this is not a joke, crazy shit be happenin.
’Runnin’ Down a Dream’ - Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers
Last night I found myself at Gabriel/Matt/Dan’s place for an appearance at their St. Patrick’s Day party. I find it interesting that I would find myself in that same place, one year to the day since my epic failure of ’07 started. And I am once again attempting to understand just what is going on with myself and those I spend my time with. On the one hand, I don’t want to read too much into the same actions that I did last time around, because that only ended in my getting hurt pretty damned badly. But there is something different this time, or so I’d like to believe. Maybe soon I can give a real answer to the 17 people who wanted to know what’s going on. In spite of the uncertainty, I have been enjoying trying to figure this one out. I haven’t put myself on the line yet, I’ve just been having fun and seeing where this road leads. Anyway, enough of that, it was just good to be out seeing everyone. I really have missed so many of you.
In fact it worked out well because I basically got to see everyone yesterday, as I spent the first part of my evening up at Matt and Emily’s. Just sittin around playing games and chillin with everyone was awesome. The only thing that would have made yesterday better would have been if I hadn’t contracted the Ebola virus. I am currently in that part of the process that invovles wrapping myself in blankets and being a whiny little bitch. I’m sure this was brought on due to my expelling all remaining energy last night, but you know what, it was worth it. Now I attempt to summon just a little more energy, as something has already gone amiss today, and I’m not sure yet how to fix it.
And by the way, remember to tune in next time, where I will likely be telling a story that invovles at least three government agencies that generally go by three-letter acronyms. It looks like my arch-nemesis has returned, and so help me god, he will pay for what he’s done this time. No, this is not a joke, crazy shit be happenin.
Monday, March 3, 2008
If You Want My Body, And You Think I'm Sexy, Come On Sugar Let Me Know
If you really need me, just reach out and touch me,
Come on honey tell me so.
'Do You Think I'm Sexy' - Rod Stewart
I hope you enjoyed that opening as much as I enjoyed writing it. So a few weeks ago I downloaded every top 100 Billboard hit from 1970-2004, including such gems as the above. Every time I open the folder I find something new that either just makes me laugh or shake my head.
So to say that a few things are going on would be a massive understatement. I am currently in the process of moving ot Capitol Hill. This of course means that the party that was promised all those months ago will finally come to fruition. Stay tuned for more details.
This move is going to be easier than most as I don't have to work while doing so. Things at work hit an all-time low, and while most are already aware, finally led to me being put on a final written warning (read: very bad), removed from my position, and now taking a vacation for a month or so. If everything goes as planned, I will find a new job once the move is done, and I will never step foot in that godforsaken place again. Hell, if things got so bad in the 48 hours after I left Friday as I have been led to believe, than I hope all of you reading this are able to escape as well.
As I tried to say, unsuccessfully I suppose, in my last blog, all of these things are positives, or will be positive once resolved. Makes me very interested to see how things will be this time next month. New house, new job, maybe more...who knows on that last point. I am putting a pretty decent amount of effort into my current pursuit, but the results have been, confusing to say the least. Well, more on that another time I suppose.
So last weekend my mom moved to Seattle (well, Federal Way, but whatever). Given how close we are, its nice to have her nearby again. It is funny to me though that after she told me what she'd been doing up here, my mind immediately threw out a 'worst-case scenario.' She has worked security at a decomissioned nuclear power plant, the Port of Longview, and now, the Port of Seattle. For some reason the first two (ok, just the first one, not much danger to be had in Longview) never really phased me. However now that she is a supervisor of container security (you know, the giant cargo boxes?), I actually did a double take, thinking that 'wow, she's really into some crazy shit.'
The only bad thing going on right now is some conflict between friends, that no one is quite sure how to deal with. Even now, I don't really know what to even write about it. I suppose bluntness is all that is required. Look for fireworks after the move is done, as despite my wanting to get everyone to shut the hell up, I'm not willing to deal with it while doing the move.
In another odd development, a very stupid person is attempting to weasel their way back into my family's lives. Most people I know now aren't familiar with the story of Rob Mallis, formerly my father's friend, formerly my mom's boyfriend, formerly my Aunt's husband, formerly the step-dad of the children I consider to be my own. You will notice a pattern there. Every one of those situations ended badly. I have had the distinct pleasure of having had no contact with him for a few years. However last night he attempted to use this very site to get in contact with Jessica, the one of the kids who hated him the most. For some reason, the story that comes to mind involves his eldest son, who for a time lived with the kids. He was involved in various drugs, which he decided to bring into the house. Now I generally leave people to their own devices on such things, but his actions were endangering my kids, so I informed him that my actions would very quickly be endangering him. Fortunately in that case my warnings were heeded. This time the sins of the father may be what provokes me.
Come on honey tell me so.
'Do You Think I'm Sexy' - Rod Stewart
I hope you enjoyed that opening as much as I enjoyed writing it. So a few weeks ago I downloaded every top 100 Billboard hit from 1970-2004, including such gems as the above. Every time I open the folder I find something new that either just makes me laugh or shake my head.
So to say that a few things are going on would be a massive understatement. I am currently in the process of moving ot Capitol Hill. This of course means that the party that was promised all those months ago will finally come to fruition. Stay tuned for more details.
This move is going to be easier than most as I don't have to work while doing so. Things at work hit an all-time low, and while most are already aware, finally led to me being put on a final written warning (read: very bad), removed from my position, and now taking a vacation for a month or so. If everything goes as planned, I will find a new job once the move is done, and I will never step foot in that godforsaken place again. Hell, if things got so bad in the 48 hours after I left Friday as I have been led to believe, than I hope all of you reading this are able to escape as well.
As I tried to say, unsuccessfully I suppose, in my last blog, all of these things are positives, or will be positive once resolved. Makes me very interested to see how things will be this time next month. New house, new job, maybe more...who knows on that last point. I am putting a pretty decent amount of effort into my current pursuit, but the results have been, confusing to say the least. Well, more on that another time I suppose.
So last weekend my mom moved to Seattle (well, Federal Way, but whatever). Given how close we are, its nice to have her nearby again. It is funny to me though that after she told me what she'd been doing up here, my mind immediately threw out a 'worst-case scenario.' She has worked security at a decomissioned nuclear power plant, the Port of Longview, and now, the Port of Seattle. For some reason the first two (ok, just the first one, not much danger to be had in Longview) never really phased me. However now that she is a supervisor of container security (you know, the giant cargo boxes?), I actually did a double take, thinking that 'wow, she's really into some crazy shit.'
The only bad thing going on right now is some conflict between friends, that no one is quite sure how to deal with. Even now, I don't really know what to even write about it. I suppose bluntness is all that is required. Look for fireworks after the move is done, as despite my wanting to get everyone to shut the hell up, I'm not willing to deal with it while doing the move.
In another odd development, a very stupid person is attempting to weasel their way back into my family's lives. Most people I know now aren't familiar with the story of Rob Mallis, formerly my father's friend, formerly my mom's boyfriend, formerly my Aunt's husband, formerly the step-dad of the children I consider to be my own. You will notice a pattern there. Every one of those situations ended badly. I have had the distinct pleasure of having had no contact with him for a few years. However last night he attempted to use this very site to get in contact with Jessica, the one of the kids who hated him the most. For some reason, the story that comes to mind involves his eldest son, who for a time lived with the kids. He was involved in various drugs, which he decided to bring into the house. Now I generally leave people to their own devices on such things, but his actions were endangering my kids, so I informed him that my actions would very quickly be endangering him. Fortunately in that case my warnings were heeded. This time the sins of the father may be what provokes me.
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