The Midterms

As I sit here once again unable to sleep, I sit and think to myself that there is a way out. And that way is through my work. I'm not talking about the job that I got to everyday, I'm talking about the volunteer one, the one that actually is in the same vein as the career I want. If I immerse myself in my work then maybe I can forget about everything else. I've done it before and I can do it again. But at what cost. The first time I did it I had nothing left to lose, this time is quite a bit different. It doesn't help that there is a big part of me that is afraid that I'm just setting myself up for the same kind of fall that has happened before. I don't know, as usual I can't make sense of anything.

Here Today

So after some sleep, I am inclined to say that things are not in fact as bad as I implied earlier this morning. I was just frustrated, tired, and again, still not completely sober. The frustration seems to come from the fact that, as I know many people experience, advice works for everyone but themselves. In fact I find that despite the attitude I had, I have managed to, from what I can tell so far, accurately predict yet again the series of events that have brought me to this point. And I'd like to think I could have stopped it, given that the vast majority of those events took place in my mind.

Hope > False Hope > Hopelessness

I have had a discussion on that statement with various friends, and in the present context, this issue is that I stayed firmly in the middle one. Of course I was completely conscious of that fact the whole time, and I'd like to think I tried to fight it, but if I did, I essentiallly failed. If I would have tried harder to push myself fully into the third category, it would have been better. As odd as that sounds, had I become truly hopeless, the problem would have immediately solved itself, and I would have been fine. I've made the mistake before, and I will likely make it again.

However none of that matters right now. The day is beautiful and I don't work, so I'm going to enjoy it. I figure within a couple days I will have righted the wrongs I have committed and be back on course to, well to what I don't know anymore, but it isn't the destination that matters so much as the journey.

Currently listening: Arc En Ciel Pour Dal Toniens By La Caution Release date: 18 October, 2005

Things Fall Apart

Fine, I surrender. I understand now how flawed my reasoning is on, oh, well almost everything. And if you've ever taken my advice, than you may actually be even more naive and even stupid than myself, because I obviously don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. Now I should preface this with the fact that I am not 100% sober right now, however I am of enough of a right mind to know that what I write is essentially accurate, if perhaps an oversimplification. It's times like this that I wish a return to a simpler time, until I realize that ever since I made the choice to go down this road, things have never been simple. However everything that has, is, and will happen is of my own doing, and it is the price I pay for being the type of person I am. No regrets, no fucking regrets at all.

Consitutency of One

Valentine's Day is in general a day that I couldn't care less about. As I look at today, it was all and all a decent day, good times at work, nothing out of the ordinary bugging me. The fact that a long string of these holidays have been meaningless didn't really phase me. That was until my roommate got home and was handling things exactly the opposite of me. Unfortunately rather than my efforts succeeding in cheering him up, he managed to depress the hell out of me. However to counteract that, we're currently getting drunk and watching movies (I write this while we switch from one movie to another). Fortunately this activity has cheered me right back up, and I can say that this was in fact a good day. Tomorrow however, that could be a whole different story...

Enemies Foreign and Domestic

I have no inherent problem with religion, even though I am obviously not a religious person. Where my problem does lie is in the violence perpetrated in the names of deities. Perhaps it was insensitive that images considered insensitive to the Muslim world were published, however the backlash caused by that is purely reprehensible. If a single country were behind the attacks on various embassies, they would be considered an act of war. Of course the world we live in can't simply be defined in terms of countries.

Now all this isn't meant to portray Muslims in a bad light, it is merely the most current example. The vast majority of religions have committed atrocities under similar circumstances. I suppose my point in all this is that extremist elements in all the major religions are the biggest threat to peace throughout the world. It's a shame that people can't wage peace in the name of their god.

At the opposite end, and not based on anything in particular, I find it absurd how religion is being completely pushed out of our culture. Again, while I'm not religious, I have a distinct appreciation toward the tremendous good that religion can do. So when utterly benign things like Christmas celebrations, Ten Commandments displays in government buildings, any number of other things, are considered by the secular culture to be unfit, I consider it mildly disturbing to say the least. I could probably go on indefinitely about such things, but there will be a time and a place for such things.

For the more 'domestic' side of the title, I have to say that it is a shame more people don't think about the things they do before doing them. I'm all for a little harmless flirting, however there comes a time when people reach their limits. I'm glad I'm a bystander in this little show, cause there is still reasonably good odds that this story will get worse before it gets better. Ah what good times shall be had by all.

If you are still here, I hope you enjoyed the ride. Tune in next time as I take my shots at whatever random topic comes to mind, as that seems to be the type of mood I'm in lately.

Currently watching: Battlestar Galactica - Season 2.0 Release date: 20 December, 2005

Game On

Ok, I've tried writing this four or five times, but I can't seem to find an adequate way to put to text that which is ravaging through my mind. Now I can talk about it no problem, in fact I have on multiple occasions to a couple people. Mind you the problem I face, at least the specific one at this moment, is minor, though emblematic of a larger issue. What I've come to realize is that my strategy is flawed. If you've had any long conversations with me (you know who you are), than you probably realize what I'm talking about. The talks have led me to the simple conclusion that I need to just try and find the experiences and enjoy them for what they are, which is mostly nothing but fun. I believe the past week or so has headed somewhat in that direction, but the road is long and I am blind.

Currently listening: She Wants Revenge By She Wants Revenge Release date: 31 January, 2006

Gone Quiet

Well, things are certainly better now than they have been in days previous. While I am still not in the best mood, I am at least back in control, relatively speaking. One thing that helped was finally having a talk with my best friend that was long overdue. We talked about the directions in which our lives were going, which was a bit more in depth for me because I had never told him that I intend to go into politics instead of computer science. That may seem strange since, hell, even everyone I work with knew, but it is basically because I figured he would be disappointed in me. I'm not sure I can completely explain that whole feeling, but he wasn't, so it doesn't matter. There were a great many other topics, many of which were in regards to why I was in such a horrible mood before, so it was nice to get so much off my chest.

Ya know, I think I should explain some of that a little more, since a great many of you aren't familiar with my backstory. I had planned since I was incredibly young that I would be in the computer industry, specifically in research and development. It was they way that I thought that I could best improve the lives of, well honestly, everyone. However when the time came to earn the degree that would get me there, I realized it wasn't what I wanted to do with my life. A truly humbling moment to be sure. Instead I realized that I can best affect change in the ways I want by entering politics. I'm just glad I didn't come to all those conclusions while living thousands of miles away at one of the two other colleges that had been options (one of which would have been a complete failure after the change in major, the other of which would have maybe been the best option possible).

And ya know, I'll post it here so that it will still be around once the bulletin has dropped off everyone's page. I'm getting rid of two round trip tickets on the Victoria Clipper to anyone of my friends that may want them. They must be used by December 30th. Message me, call me, whatever. I thought the length of time in which I had to find a use for them would be sufficient. In this I was grossly mistaken. However I had remained optimistic, which in and of itself its somewhat unusual. Well this whole thing had a good vibe until I started talking about this, so I'm just gonna stop before I put myself into a bad mood....again.