While Everyone's Lost, the Battle is Won, With All These Things That I've Done

'All These Things That I Have Done' - The Killers

Well, the guilt trip I put myself on was totally unexpected. But then again I had originally planned out things slightly different. One event was going to roll seamlessly into the next, and the day was going to be pretty much fantastic. However I managed to botch that so thoroughly that now I am left to wonder what the hell I was thinking. But then I know exactly what I was thinking don't I? But I suppose what I did was necessary to put my mind at ease on the topic at hand. With that out of the way I can move on and hope that I didn't screw up something else in the process. I can also realize that to answer my question from yesterday's blog, the nature of my insanity was the former of the three, much as I had expected. Now I wait and see whether or not the price of that knowledge was more than I was prepared to pay. I could of course just be overreacting as to what the consequences may be, but then again it is rare that my actions put me in the position of looking like a complete dick.

So to the person that I screwed today, you have my sincerest apologies...they may not be necessary because you may not have thought it was a big deal, but I really had been looking forward to it. I hope you take solace knowing that I found some answers in the process.

And to the two that "planted the seed of possibility," and I know at least one of the two of you will read this.....I'm fine now, I just needed to put things back into perspective, and it was the perspective that I had held before. Pessimism and personal demons win again.

Then It Comes To Be That the Soothing Light

at the End of your tunnel
Is just a freight train comin your way.

'No Leaf Clover' - Metallica

So I started this with a discourse about how a single word or phrase could fundamentally alter ones perception of their reality. However it strikes me that it didn't adequately portray my point, so here I start again. Maybe it is this constant rewriting that keeps me from posting these more than every, oh three months or so...

It is said that hope springs eternal. I don't know if that is true, but I can say with certainty that it will spring from the most random of places and for no rational reason. I had a discussion with some friends about the goings on in my life as of late, and was being pushed toward a single conclusion. Now as my inner demons play an epic tug-of-war, I'm forced to ask myself, am I insane for thinking that they are on to something, am I insane for letting the conversation get to me, or am I insane and they were right on everything and I just can't see it? Obviously at this point I have conceeded that the sanity isn't so much here regardless of the outcome, but this should not come as a surprise for anyone. All things considered this isn't that big of a deal, but it is the type of thing that gets the mind running a marathon.

As for all the other things I should have written about by now....oy vay. Why I don't do this more to just vent about the random things rather than waiting until something forces me to write, I don't know.

Saturday was a fairly nice day...not terribly sunny, but warm, and with an occasional light rain. Ever since I have been filled with anticipation for the coming of Spring. For some reason it strikes me as a major event for the year. Maybe its the variety of things that are more suited for temperate weather that I can now do with reckless abandon, maybe its just a way to mark the passage of time, who knows.

I also have finally had one of those moments where I was totally addicted to this damn site. It's funny how the smallest thing can trigger an upswell of interest in ones page. Was amusing to have new messages almost faster than I could refresh. Who knew all it required was one minor change to my profile...

There is only one thing about my job that I truly like, as I've mentioned many an occasion, the people. I like how every so often you will randomly get closer with someone than you expected. I love how on even rarer occasions you will find many of those kind all at once.

And now my mind suddenly is randomly going through topics. Rollercoaster time.....I upgraded my computer to Vista and really like it......having to use a steam cleaner on the same two spots over 20 times blows.......where in the hell is Marysville at?.....Josh and Tavis, are you two out of your god damn minds?........think I'm going to go back to playing tennis every week as soon as the weather is nicer......holy crap, this is going to degrade into word association soon, perhaps I should stop.

Life Is So Strange, When You Don't Know

How can you tell, where you're goin to?
You can't be sure of any situation,
something can change, and then you won't know.

'Destination Unknown' - Smashing Pumpkins

After considerable time off from writing these, I sit here preparing for the end of yet another year. I look back at these past 12 months and realize that very little good has come of it. Now that's not to say that it was an inherently bad year, but I was basically treading water. There have also been some amazing highs. I got to know many of my friends far better, as well as meeting new ones that I have become very close to very fast.

However through all of this I have fought to find a way to change things, and over the course of the past couple weeks I think I finally figured out how. I'm not going to go into details quite yet as I have a little to work out but I can say this. I believe I finally have the answers to many of the questions I've been asking. I know what I have to do to fix things, and to say that it is drastic would be an understatement. Is it risky, oh yeah. Are the rewards greater than I can imagine, nope, they are exactly what I can imagine, and that is what excites me. I'm gonna need some support on this one.

Tune in later this week for my year in review. It'll be like "The Lost Episodes" for all those times I didn't write a blog or said "I'll write about it later." You know you want to see it.

I Am a Little Bit of Loneliness, A Little Bit of Disregard

Handful of complaints, but I can't help the fact that everyone can see these scars.

Linkin Park - Faint

So over the past couple weeks I've started to write a few different blogs. Topics have ranged from an update on the neverending drama that surrounds my home to a discourse on the nature of friendship (see some of Steve's blogs if you want to know why). One was going to be about just the latest goings on in my life. But when the time came, I didn't feel like writing them. But now....now something has gone off in my mind and I'm pissed off.

My anger goes out to a variety of people. Some people are close to me, some I don't even know their identities (I know them, I simply don't know which people shared the opinion), honestly people from perhaps all portions and times of my life.

I can't tell you entirely why I've picked this moment to freak out about this, but it seems fitting. So now I welcome you to my discussion on sexuality. I intend to be both blunt and more detailed than in most blogs. Enjoy your stay, refreshments will be after the show.

As it stands right now, I have been single for just over 23 years. You may continue that sentence to its various logical conclusions and likely be accurate. This is generally a fact I don't like to advertise, but you know what, fuck any of you that want to make remarks at this, because I'll tell you this, it isn't for a lack of trying. I can't begin to get into all the reasons, situations, traumas, problems, and whatever other words you want that describe what has occured in my love life, but I can tell you one thing, and this fact is what has led to this blog. Please read this carefully as it may be difficult for some to understand.

I am, always have been, and always shall be, a HETEROSEXUAL.

Now some of you may be wondering what the hell has possessed me to make a statement like that. It's really quite simple. I am sick of the jokes. I am sick of the assumptions. I am sick of the ignorance and stupidity that seem to plague so many people I have known. Jokes are one thing, though those too get old after a while. But when people take things like my lack of relationships, my personality, my voice, my speech patterns, my general demeanor, any number of things (yes, everyone of those examples have been used as 'evidence'), and come to the conclusion that I am gay, well I have to assume that they don't know me at all.

I suppose that all of this............Fuck this, I'm done.

I Don't Feel the Way I've Ever Felt

I Know, Gonna Smile and Not Get Worried. I Try But it Shows.

'Pain' - Jimmy Eat World

It turns out that I was slightly mistaken in something that I wrote in my last blog. I said that at the moment my home was like a prison. It turns out that, besides causing concern amongst certain people, it was also a gross exaggeration of the size of the cell. The prison in which I am trapped is my mind.

It is imperative now that I mention that I am tremendously happy that my best friend may have found something that makes him happy. However it is the plethora of emotions in the background of this that concern me. As many have noticed, I am considerably unhappy at the moment. The worst part of this is that I don't know why. Now I can rule out a few things. For instance during the conversation with Steve that just ended, he made reference to my anger during this as having to do with the fact that certain affections weren't directed toward me. It is important to note that this is most certainly not true.

When I said that my ego had been obliterated, well I suppose I didn't explain it well enough. The best parallel I can draw actually uses the situtation that had been going on for the past year or so. It was common belief that the other female that is part of this group had interest in Steve. While this was mostly found to be inaccurate, it still, at least in my assumptions, probably gave Steve a bit of an ego boost. Well, during much of that same time, comments were occasionally made so as to imply that a similar situation was happening to me. So inevitably, there was an ego boost. While it was not something I would have pursued (then again who truly knows until the situation materializes), the idea of an admirer (suitor is the word I wanted, but I can't seem to remember the feminine version of the word) was appealing. But all of this is just a long-winded way of saying that these are not the foremost emotions in my mind.

So next I look at the inevitable strain on friendships that this can/has/will cause people. I look first toward the one that I thought I was losing over the past couple weeks. It has been argued to me that it was merely coincidence and circumstance that led to a bout of silence for a couple weeks. I have to conceed that that might be the case. However I can also look at it this way. Even if the thought hadn't crossed her mind to conciously ignore me, the simple fact is she found a replacement for me. For some reason that my mind keeps returning to that description. Replaced....seems oddly fitting given the circumstances. My usefulness as the one person in this group that tried to be close to her from the start has ended. Yet as I write this, I hear my mind saying, I can live with that outcome. Either way, I can't take the past couple weeks lightly, even after having discussed it with those involved. Maybe its an overreaction, who knows. Hopefully time will make this one a little easier.

As for the relationship that is forming out of this, I honestly can't find any logical reason not to see it as a good thing. This tells me that my mind is simply focusing on the parts of this that effect me directly, and not how it effects the people I love. I've always been so good at setting aside my own feelings for the benefit of those around me, I just need to buckle down and do what is necessary, what I know is right.

I'm Paralyzed, I'm Paralyzed

Stuck in the Middle and I'm Paralyzed.

'Paralyzed' - Rock Kills Kid

Over the past couple days I realized I have suffered from a severe lack of rational thought. Now this can be attributed to a number of factors. Perhaps it was the realization that I may have lost yet another friend due to temporary insanity. Maybe it was the complete obliteration of my ego (not my self-esteem mind you, two different beasts there). Or possbily it was a thought that just entered my mind a few weeks ago.

As the Romans said, and as I've quoted before, "Post Hoc, Ergo Propter Hoc." It translates to "After it, therefore because of it." Now on the one hand it can be a logical fallacy, but on the other it can be the simplest explanation. I believe at the moment it falls somewhere in between. Multiple times over the past few years, some of the people in this group of friends have discussed getting a house together. I thought that an appropriate first step, as well as a convenient solution to a friends problem, was to bring up the fact that the apartment next to us was becoming vacant. Well, I lent voice to thought, and set into motion the most absurd series of events. Now I'm not so arrogant as to think that this is all my doing, I simply view it as a massively unpredictable side-effect.

Now I've always been relatively good at giving advice, or so I've been told. Yet, as the title implies, I'm at a loss. Maybe it's because of the effects this will have on me, maybe its because I considered the likelihood of things reaching this point to be tremendously improbable. Be interesting to see how much worse this gets. Oooh, you hear that. Yes, off in the distance. That is the sound of me shooting my face off. So sad when I go to work to seek refuge, a prisoner in my own home.

Looks Like We're In For Nasty Weather

One Eye Is Taken For An Eye.

'Bad Moon Rising' - Creedence Clearwater Revival

So it turns out that I had only the faintest idea what was about to come. Aaron and Charlene are two very close friends of mine. I've known Aaron for four years, and Charlene for a year. Now in the time since she moved out with him, I was sort of the first person that really went out of my way to be friends with her. Due to this we had a little bit different relationship then she had with the rest of the guys. So now that they are next door, we were seeing quite a lot of each other, especially due to my work schedule. However over the past couple weeks, she had not really been talking to me much. She was however spending an inordinate amount of time with Steve.

While this was going on, things were worsening between the happy couple. For reasons only now being made clear to me, things were more or less in a steady decline. Her bonding with Steve didn't help things as she ended up becoming interested in him. This information is what has all been coming out today, when her and Aaron finally had the confrontation. I still don't know what all the details are, and likely won't until I wake up and talk to Aaron, but from what I did glean from talking with her is that they may be over, she may try and see if Steve is interested, she may choose to be single, hell she may just leave Seattle.

This of course all hinges on continued discussions with Aaron and with Steve when he returns from Longview. So all and all, this has created an impossible situation. Friendships will end by the time this is over, and they will end in the most ugly manner possible. So I have to sit while my best friend is forced into the middle of a battle that cannot be won, we're all pitted against our good friends, and the entire situation has entered freefall.

I can write on and on about the repercussions, the scenarios I've played out in my mind, hell, just about any aspect of this, but the one that intrigues me the most is my reaction to the fact she became interested in Steve. I'm not sure I can peg the exact emotion, though by the end of the explanation it should be clear. Since day 1, I have been the one she gravitated toward. And in the course of that, what was done to Steve and Emily (many things read into what was essentially a huge amount of random flirting that was truly meaningless) was being done to Charlene and I. Now I must state here unequivocably is that I'm not interested in her. Not something that would ever work...however...I suppose I was dissappointed on a variety of levels that this whole situation didn't target me. So basically I didn't succeed in taking a bullet for Steve, but I did succeed in taking a heavy blow to the ego. Probably not the most constructive reaction to have.

Well this is a drama that I only beginning to unfold. Look forward to our next episode, same bat time, same bat station.