There's Somethin Happenin Here, and What It Is Ain't Exactly Clear

'For What It's Worth' - Buffalo Springfield

I can't say that the following has any specific meaning toward current events, it is simply a quote that has stuck with me since hearing it. You may recognize it, you may not. If you do recognize it, you can't tell me that it wasn't perfect, for both what it specifically referring to and for many other things as well. For real current events, I will write soon about the Canada trip...good times had by all.

"Where does it come from, this quest? This need to solve life's mysteries when the simplest questions can never be answered. Why are we here? What is the soul? Why do we dream? Perhaps we'd be better off not looking at all. Not delving, not yearning. That's not human nature, not the human heart. That is not why we are here. Yet still we struggle to make a difference, to change the world, to dream of hope, never knowing for certain who we will meet along the way. Who among the world of strangers will hold our hand, touch our hearts, and share the pain of trying?"

"We dream of hope, we dream of change, of fire, of love, of death. And then it happens, the dream becomes real. And the answer to this quest, this need to solve life's mysteries finally shows itself, like the glowing light of the new dawn. So much struggle for meaning, for purpose, but in the end, we find it only in each other. Our shared experience of the fantastic....and the mundane. The simple human need to find a kindred, to connect, and to know in our heart that we are not alone."

I Say the Comedy, Is That It's Serious

Which is a strange enough new play on words.
'The Remedy' - Jason Mraz

I have to say, been a damn good weekend. Nothin terribly exciting, just good times all around. However a thought continues to fester. I have had an ongoing debate with a few friends regarding the nature of relationships. I still hold fast that I have been right all along, the ramifications of which honestly don't bother me. But will the debate go too far. At what point does one of us say the wrong thing at the wrong time, at which point my guilt will look incontrovertible. But I suppose with everything I just overanalyze. I just have to hope that people remember my actual intentions, or lack thereof. On the plus side I know that these few friends say the things they do out of a considerable sense of loyalty and caring and for that I am grateful, and I'm glad I had the chance to tell one of them that the other night.

Though back to the good stuff, damn Friday was a good time, definitely needed that. Took my mind off stuff for the most part. Shame that its back to the grind tomorrow, but then again maybe there will be good news at work too, who knows. Also finally looking at getting a house. Should be five of us living there, gonna be pretty damn awesome. Might take a couple months to get things squared away due to the variety of leases we are under, but one way or another it is imminent. Got a lot to look forward too...good times ahead. Feels nice saying that for once.

While Everyone's Lost, the Battle is Won, With All These Things That I've Done

'All These Things That I Have Done' - The Killers

Well, the guilt trip I put myself on was totally unexpected. But then again I had originally planned out things slightly different. One event was going to roll seamlessly into the next, and the day was going to be pretty much fantastic. However I managed to botch that so thoroughly that now I am left to wonder what the hell I was thinking. But then I know exactly what I was thinking don't I? But I suppose what I did was necessary to put my mind at ease on the topic at hand. With that out of the way I can move on and hope that I didn't screw up something else in the process. I can also realize that to answer my question from yesterday's blog, the nature of my insanity was the former of the three, much as I had expected. Now I wait and see whether or not the price of that knowledge was more than I was prepared to pay. I could of course just be overreacting as to what the consequences may be, but then again it is rare that my actions put me in the position of looking like a complete dick.

So to the person that I screwed today, you have my sincerest apologies...they may not be necessary because you may not have thought it was a big deal, but I really had been looking forward to it. I hope you take solace knowing that I found some answers in the process.

And to the two that "planted the seed of possibility," and I know at least one of the two of you will read this.....I'm fine now, I just needed to put things back into perspective, and it was the perspective that I had held before. Pessimism and personal demons win again.

Then It Comes To Be That the Soothing Light

at the End of your tunnel
Is just a freight train comin your way.

'No Leaf Clover' - Metallica

So I started this with a discourse about how a single word or phrase could fundamentally alter ones perception of their reality. However it strikes me that it didn't adequately portray my point, so here I start again. Maybe it is this constant rewriting that keeps me from posting these more than every, oh three months or so...

It is said that hope springs eternal. I don't know if that is true, but I can say with certainty that it will spring from the most random of places and for no rational reason. I had a discussion with some friends about the goings on in my life as of late, and was being pushed toward a single conclusion. Now as my inner demons play an epic tug-of-war, I'm forced to ask myself, am I insane for thinking that they are on to something, am I insane for letting the conversation get to me, or am I insane and they were right on everything and I just can't see it? Obviously at this point I have conceeded that the sanity isn't so much here regardless of the outcome, but this should not come as a surprise for anyone. All things considered this isn't that big of a deal, but it is the type of thing that gets the mind running a marathon.

As for all the other things I should have written about by now....oy vay. Why I don't do this more to just vent about the random things rather than waiting until something forces me to write, I don't know.

Saturday was a fairly nice day...not terribly sunny, but warm, and with an occasional light rain. Ever since I have been filled with anticipation for the coming of Spring. For some reason it strikes me as a major event for the year. Maybe its the variety of things that are more suited for temperate weather that I can now do with reckless abandon, maybe its just a way to mark the passage of time, who knows.

I also have finally had one of those moments where I was totally addicted to this damn site. It's funny how the smallest thing can trigger an upswell of interest in ones page. Was amusing to have new messages almost faster than I could refresh. Who knew all it required was one minor change to my profile...

There is only one thing about my job that I truly like, as I've mentioned many an occasion, the people. I like how every so often you will randomly get closer with someone than you expected. I love how on even rarer occasions you will find many of those kind all at once.

And now my mind suddenly is randomly going through topics. Rollercoaster time.....I upgraded my computer to Vista and really like it......having to use a steam cleaner on the same two spots over 20 times blows.......where in the hell is Marysville at?.....Josh and Tavis, are you two out of your god damn minds?........think I'm going to go back to playing tennis every week as soon as the weather is nicer......holy crap, this is going to degrade into word association soon, perhaps I should stop.

Life Is So Strange, When You Don't Know

How can you tell, where you're goin to?
You can't be sure of any situation,
something can change, and then you won't know.

'Destination Unknown' - Smashing Pumpkins

After considerable time off from writing these, I sit here preparing for the end of yet another year. I look back at these past 12 months and realize that very little good has come of it. Now that's not to say that it was an inherently bad year, but I was basically treading water. There have also been some amazing highs. I got to know many of my friends far better, as well as meeting new ones that I have become very close to very fast.

However through all of this I have fought to find a way to change things, and over the course of the past couple weeks I think I finally figured out how. I'm not going to go into details quite yet as I have a little to work out but I can say this. I believe I finally have the answers to many of the questions I've been asking. I know what I have to do to fix things, and to say that it is drastic would be an understatement. Is it risky, oh yeah. Are the rewards greater than I can imagine, nope, they are exactly what I can imagine, and that is what excites me. I'm gonna need some support on this one.

Tune in later this week for my year in review. It'll be like "The Lost Episodes" for all those times I didn't write a blog or said "I'll write about it later." You know you want to see it.

I Am a Little Bit of Loneliness, A Little Bit of Disregard

Handful of complaints, but I can't help the fact that everyone can see these scars.

Linkin Park - Faint

So over the past couple weeks I've started to write a few different blogs. Topics have ranged from an update on the neverending drama that surrounds my home to a discourse on the nature of friendship (see some of Steve's blogs if you want to know why). One was going to be about just the latest goings on in my life. But when the time came, I didn't feel like writing them. But now....now something has gone off in my mind and I'm pissed off.

My anger goes out to a variety of people. Some people are close to me, some I don't even know their identities (I know them, I simply don't know which people shared the opinion), honestly people from perhaps all portions and times of my life.

I can't tell you entirely why I've picked this moment to freak out about this, but it seems fitting. So now I welcome you to my discussion on sexuality. I intend to be both blunt and more detailed than in most blogs. Enjoy your stay, refreshments will be after the show.

As it stands right now, I have been single for just over 23 years. You may continue that sentence to its various logical conclusions and likely be accurate. This is generally a fact I don't like to advertise, but you know what, fuck any of you that want to make remarks at this, because I'll tell you this, it isn't for a lack of trying. I can't begin to get into all the reasons, situations, traumas, problems, and whatever other words you want that describe what has occured in my love life, but I can tell you one thing, and this fact is what has led to this blog. Please read this carefully as it may be difficult for some to understand.

I am, always have been, and always shall be, a HETEROSEXUAL.

Now some of you may be wondering what the hell has possessed me to make a statement like that. It's really quite simple. I am sick of the jokes. I am sick of the assumptions. I am sick of the ignorance and stupidity that seem to plague so many people I have known. Jokes are one thing, though those too get old after a while. But when people take things like my lack of relationships, my personality, my voice, my speech patterns, my general demeanor, any number of things (yes, everyone of those examples have been used as 'evidence'), and come to the conclusion that I am gay, well I have to assume that they don't know me at all.

I suppose that all of this............Fuck this, I'm done.

I Don't Feel the Way I've Ever Felt

I Know, Gonna Smile and Not Get Worried. I Try But it Shows.

'Pain' - Jimmy Eat World

It turns out that I was slightly mistaken in something that I wrote in my last blog. I said that at the moment my home was like a prison. It turns out that, besides causing concern amongst certain people, it was also a gross exaggeration of the size of the cell. The prison in which I am trapped is my mind.

It is imperative now that I mention that I am tremendously happy that my best friend may have found something that makes him happy. However it is the plethora of emotions in the background of this that concern me. As many have noticed, I am considerably unhappy at the moment. The worst part of this is that I don't know why. Now I can rule out a few things. For instance during the conversation with Steve that just ended, he made reference to my anger during this as having to do with the fact that certain affections weren't directed toward me. It is important to note that this is most certainly not true.

When I said that my ego had been obliterated, well I suppose I didn't explain it well enough. The best parallel I can draw actually uses the situtation that had been going on for the past year or so. It was common belief that the other female that is part of this group had interest in Steve. While this was mostly found to be inaccurate, it still, at least in my assumptions, probably gave Steve a bit of an ego boost. Well, during much of that same time, comments were occasionally made so as to imply that a similar situation was happening to me. So inevitably, there was an ego boost. While it was not something I would have pursued (then again who truly knows until the situation materializes), the idea of an admirer (suitor is the word I wanted, but I can't seem to remember the feminine version of the word) was appealing. But all of this is just a long-winded way of saying that these are not the foremost emotions in my mind.

So next I look at the inevitable strain on friendships that this can/has/will cause people. I look first toward the one that I thought I was losing over the past couple weeks. It has been argued to me that it was merely coincidence and circumstance that led to a bout of silence for a couple weeks. I have to conceed that that might be the case. However I can also look at it this way. Even if the thought hadn't crossed her mind to conciously ignore me, the simple fact is she found a replacement for me. For some reason that my mind keeps returning to that description. Replaced....seems oddly fitting given the circumstances. My usefulness as the one person in this group that tried to be close to her from the start has ended. Yet as I write this, I hear my mind saying, I can live with that outcome. Either way, I can't take the past couple weeks lightly, even after having discussed it with those involved. Maybe its an overreaction, who knows. Hopefully time will make this one a little easier.

As for the relationship that is forming out of this, I honestly can't find any logical reason not to see it as a good thing. This tells me that my mind is simply focusing on the parts of this that effect me directly, and not how it effects the people I love. I've always been so good at setting aside my own feelings for the benefit of those around me, I just need to buckle down and do what is necessary, what I know is right.