While Everyone's Lost, the Battle is Won, With All These Things That I've Done

'All These Things That I Have Done' - The Killers

Well, the guilt trip I put myself on was totally unexpected. But then again I had originally planned out things slightly different. One event was going to roll seamlessly into the next, and the day was going to be pretty much fantastic. However I managed to botch that so thoroughly that now I am left to wonder what the hell I was thinking. But then I know exactly what I was thinking don't I? But I suppose what I did was necessary to put my mind at ease on the topic at hand. With that out of the way I can move on and hope that I didn't screw up something else in the process. I can also realize that to answer my question from yesterday's blog, the nature of my insanity was the former of the three, much as I had expected. Now I wait and see whether or not the price of that knowledge was more than I was prepared to pay. I could of course just be overreacting as to what the consequences may be, but then again it is rare that my actions put me in the position of looking like a complete dick.

So to the person that I screwed today, you have my sincerest apologies...they may not be necessary because you may not have thought it was a big deal, but I really had been looking forward to it. I hope you take solace knowing that I found some answers in the process.

And to the two that "planted the seed of possibility," and I know at least one of the two of you will read this.....I'm fine now, I just needed to put things back into perspective, and it was the perspective that I had held before. Pessimism and personal demons win again.

Then It Comes To Be That the Soothing Light

at the End of your tunnel
Is just a freight train comin your way.

'No Leaf Clover' - Metallica

So I started this with a discourse about how a single word or phrase could fundamentally alter ones perception of their reality. However it strikes me that it didn't adequately portray my point, so here I start again. Maybe it is this constant rewriting that keeps me from posting these more than every, oh three months or so...

It is said that hope springs eternal. I don't know if that is true, but I can say with certainty that it will spring from the most random of places and for no rational reason. I had a discussion with some friends about the goings on in my life as of late, and was being pushed toward a single conclusion. Now as my inner demons play an epic tug-of-war, I'm forced to ask myself, am I insane for thinking that they are on to something, am I insane for letting the conversation get to me, or am I insane and they were right on everything and I just can't see it? Obviously at this point I have conceeded that the sanity isn't so much here regardless of the outcome, but this should not come as a surprise for anyone. All things considered this isn't that big of a deal, but it is the type of thing that gets the mind running a marathon.

As for all the other things I should have written about by now....oy vay. Why I don't do this more to just vent about the random things rather than waiting until something forces me to write, I don't know.

Saturday was a fairly nice day...not terribly sunny, but warm, and with an occasional light rain. Ever since I have been filled with anticipation for the coming of Spring. For some reason it strikes me as a major event for the year. Maybe its the variety of things that are more suited for temperate weather that I can now do with reckless abandon, maybe its just a way to mark the passage of time, who knows.

I also have finally had one of those moments where I was totally addicted to this damn site. It's funny how the smallest thing can trigger an upswell of interest in ones page. Was amusing to have new messages almost faster than I could refresh. Who knew all it required was one minor change to my profile...

There is only one thing about my job that I truly like, as I've mentioned many an occasion, the people. I like how every so often you will randomly get closer with someone than you expected. I love how on even rarer occasions you will find many of those kind all at once.

And now my mind suddenly is randomly going through topics. Rollercoaster time.....I upgraded my computer to Vista and really like it......having to use a steam cleaner on the same two spots over 20 times blows.......where in the hell is Marysville at?.....Josh and Tavis, are you two out of your god damn minds?........think I'm going to go back to playing tennis every week as soon as the weather is nicer......holy crap, this is going to degrade into word association soon, perhaps I should stop.