Swimming through sick lullabies, choking on your alibis.
But it's just the price I pay, destiny is calling me.
Open up my eager eyes, cause I'm Mr. Brightside.
'Mr. Brightside' - The Killers
You have got to be kidding me. I wanted to get out of the house because of what had happened today. Then I found myself wanting nothing but to be back here because of what happened tonight. All I wanted was a nice relaxing evening with friends, but apparently that was too fucking much to ask.
What amuses me is how little I felt during it all. I literally did nothing but keep a blank stare on my face, with just a hint of a smile. I wasn't even angry at what was happening, just that it was happening right then, at the absolutely wrong time. Like I said in 'Give Me a Shot to Remember,' I'm fine with what has gone on. The pain is still there, but I've dealt with it. There is this part of me, and it is the part that expressed itself as I walked away, that I almost feel bad expressing. It's the part of me that just started laughing. Maybe it was a laugh of relief that another page is turned. Maybe it was a laugh at the sheer absurdity of it all. Or perhaps it was my personality fracturing, and the evil half asserting itself. It is the same side of me that had a hard time believing some of the words that had been spoken to me, specifically the ones about me. It is that little part that worries me.
There are 34 days left in this year. I have started reminding myself of this, as though an arbitrary change in calendar year could have any true significance.
On the one good side....hilarity did as always ensue, and was captured on video. I think my idea of a greatest hits album is sounding better all the time.
Monday, November 26, 2007
So Much For the Golden Future, I Can't Even Start
I've had every promise broken, there's anger in my heart,
You don't know what it's like, you don't have a clue.
If you did you'd find yourselves, doing the same thing too.
Breakin the law, breakin the law....
'Breakin the Law' - Judas Priest
Motherfuckers. Well it could have been far worse. Sometime between 10:30am and 3:00pm, someone decided to enter our home, and start taking things. I was the lucky one in that I lost nothing. Brian lost an Xbox 360 and a PS2, while Aaron lost a Wii and an old laptop. Nothing else whatsoever was taken. Thank god they didn't go upstairs where the real money is. Cops came, dusted for prints, did there thing, and left. Obviously we expect nothing back. The idea that someone invaded our home is disturbing to me. I have to say, this is one of the last places I want to be right now. Time to fix that, see many of you in a couple hours.
You don't know what it's like, you don't have a clue.
If you did you'd find yourselves, doing the same thing too.
Breakin the law, breakin the law....
'Breakin the Law' - Judas Priest
Motherfuckers. Well it could have been far worse. Sometime between 10:30am and 3:00pm, someone decided to enter our home, and start taking things. I was the lucky one in that I lost nothing. Brian lost an Xbox 360 and a PS2, while Aaron lost a Wii and an old laptop. Nothing else whatsoever was taken. Thank god they didn't go upstairs where the real money is. Cops came, dusted for prints, did there thing, and left. Obviously we expect nothing back. The idea that someone invaded our home is disturbing to me. I have to say, this is one of the last places I want to be right now. Time to fix that, see many of you in a couple hours.
Monday, November 19, 2007
Give Me a Shot to Remember, And You Can Take All the Pain Away From Me
A kiss and I will surrender, the sharpest lives are the deadliest to lead.
A light to burn all the empires, so bright the sun is ashamed to rise and be,
In love with all of these vampires, so you can leave like the sane abandoned me.
'The Sharpest Lives' - My Chemical Romance
The difference was noticable obviously, because everyone seemed to sense it. Then again perhaps the giant freaking smile on my face made it apparent. Steve commented that it looked like I was "drunk on life," (ironic due to the small hangover I was still nursing), others today just commented that I looked happy, always stating this with surprise in their voices. For the past two days, I have been the happiest I have been in quite a while. There are still things to be dealt with, maybe. I'm not sure I care at this point because I believe I have, at least in my own mind, if not with those involved, reached a conclusion. There is an understanding of what started all of this, that while it was in some ways disturbing, it also shouldn't have been a surprise because many people made comments to me saying the same thing.
The words that have been stuck in my head are 'shiny new toy.' They are the perfect description of what I experienced. Had I known then what I know now, it would have been obvious. Unfortunately that doesn't negate anything I said or did, or those things that I wanted to say and do but either didn't know how or thought it was unwanted. I don't know why it has taken until now for this fairly simple idea to sink in, or why it is as comforting as it has been, but whatever. There were a few other words that helped me through it too, but those are too....mean....to say here. So for those I told them to, I hope you thought they were as funny as I did. God it feels good to be free of these chains.
I have to say that Saturday night really helped this throught process along. Kevin, Joey, Steph, Matt, Hetty, Michelle, Byron, Randy, etc....good times indeed. If you leave this blog with any type of takeaway, let it be this. Vodka is best served chilled, and spaghetti is best served cooked. ?The More You Know?
God damn it....those are supposed to be music notes....they showed up fine when I previewed....screw you myspace. For effect, please sing the last sentence ala the old NBC commericals. Oh memories :p
A light to burn all the empires, so bright the sun is ashamed to rise and be,
In love with all of these vampires, so you can leave like the sane abandoned me.
'The Sharpest Lives' - My Chemical Romance
The difference was noticable obviously, because everyone seemed to sense it. Then again perhaps the giant freaking smile on my face made it apparent. Steve commented that it looked like I was "drunk on life," (ironic due to the small hangover I was still nursing), others today just commented that I looked happy, always stating this with surprise in their voices. For the past two days, I have been the happiest I have been in quite a while. There are still things to be dealt with, maybe. I'm not sure I care at this point because I believe I have, at least in my own mind, if not with those involved, reached a conclusion. There is an understanding of what started all of this, that while it was in some ways disturbing, it also shouldn't have been a surprise because many people made comments to me saying the same thing.
The words that have been stuck in my head are 'shiny new toy.' They are the perfect description of what I experienced. Had I known then what I know now, it would have been obvious. Unfortunately that doesn't negate anything I said or did, or those things that I wanted to say and do but either didn't know how or thought it was unwanted. I don't know why it has taken until now for this fairly simple idea to sink in, or why it is as comforting as it has been, but whatever. There were a few other words that helped me through it too, but those are too....mean....to say here. So for those I told them to, I hope you thought they were as funny as I did. God it feels good to be free of these chains.
I have to say that Saturday night really helped this throught process along. Kevin, Joey, Steph, Matt, Hetty, Michelle, Byron, Randy, etc....good times indeed. If you leave this blog with any type of takeaway, let it be this. Vodka is best served chilled, and spaghetti is best served cooked. ?The More You Know?
God damn it....those are supposed to be music notes....they showed up fine when I previewed....screw you myspace. For effect, please sing the last sentence ala the old NBC commericals. Oh memories :p
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Getting Edgy All the Time, There's Someone Around Me Just a Step Behind
It's kinda scary, the shape I'm in, the walls are shakin and they're closing in.
Too fast or a bit too slow, I'm paranoid of people and it's starting to show.
One bad habit that I can't shake, over my shoulder is a big mistake.
Sitting on the bed and I'm lying wide awake.
There's demons in my head and it's more than I can take.
I think I'm on a roll but I think it's kinda weak.
Saying all I know is I gotta get away from me.
'Gotta Get Away' - The Offspring
It is slowly getting easier. Still a lot I'd like to say, but every chance to say it fails somehow. Then again it's like I was told recently, you have to know when to pick your moments. I'd like to think I've known how to do that, I just haven't been able to predict the extent to which things would not go as anticipated (or to which I'd been sabotaged, as though that was necessary). But at this point it doesn't matter. I've had enough of this, and I want nothing more than to disappear for a while. Of course I can't do that, so I will have to settle with burying myself in my job. Maybe I can work enough that I just won't have time to do other shit.
I keep thinking back to a couple of things I wrote back in May and June, some quotes that I added into my writings, specifically the latter one ("Well I've Never Prayed"). The more I think about it, the more it makes sense, I must choose one of those things. Then again maybe it is just my continued inability to do this right. Ya know, I can handle failure, god knows that in this particular arena I've become good at it, but this was absurd. It has been a constant struggle between the immense happiness I can feel at some points, and the pain I feel the rest of the time. Though the knowledge that I was probably wrong at every turn is equally as disconcerting. Well that's enough. Time to fold, just wish I hadn't stayed in so long.
Edit - 11/14 - 3:50 PM
For all those reading this now that comments have been posted, a new song lyric for you....
Well life has a funny way of sneaking up on you,
When you think everything's okay and everything's going right
And life has a funny way of helping you out when
You think everything's gone wrong and everything blows up in your face.
'Ironic' - Alanis Morissette
The title here being more relevant than the words. How is it that those commenting (and agreeing with me) are the ones that convinced me (or caused...) everything I wrote above. But the trifecta is in play now, just need the last one to comment and then it'll be like a party....in hell (Editor's Note - 12/5/09 - the Trifecta referred to Tavis and Alex both commenting on the Myspace posting of this blog, next just needed Shaun). And for those that may think I wrote that bit in anger, well, not so much....I'm actually sitting with a cocked eyebrow thinking how odd this is, yet fitting, lol.
When I think about the last time I walled myself off completely, I did it because I had almost nothing left. How can I do that now when there are still things I value? The price has been high already (even if that price was spread out over four months), I don't know how much more I can give up. But then I wonder am I really taking that much away from others? Because at this point I just can't tell.
On the brighter side, I hope to finally have the good news from work that I've been waiting for. It's taken long enough but it should be worth the wait.
Too fast or a bit too slow, I'm paranoid of people and it's starting to show.
One bad habit that I can't shake, over my shoulder is a big mistake.
Sitting on the bed and I'm lying wide awake.
There's demons in my head and it's more than I can take.
I think I'm on a roll but I think it's kinda weak.
Saying all I know is I gotta get away from me.
'Gotta Get Away' - The Offspring
It is slowly getting easier. Still a lot I'd like to say, but every chance to say it fails somehow. Then again it's like I was told recently, you have to know when to pick your moments. I'd like to think I've known how to do that, I just haven't been able to predict the extent to which things would not go as anticipated (or to which I'd been sabotaged, as though that was necessary). But at this point it doesn't matter. I've had enough of this, and I want nothing more than to disappear for a while. Of course I can't do that, so I will have to settle with burying myself in my job. Maybe I can work enough that I just won't have time to do other shit.
I keep thinking back to a couple of things I wrote back in May and June, some quotes that I added into my writings, specifically the latter one ("Well I've Never Prayed"). The more I think about it, the more it makes sense, I must choose one of those things. Then again maybe it is just my continued inability to do this right. Ya know, I can handle failure, god knows that in this particular arena I've become good at it, but this was absurd. It has been a constant struggle between the immense happiness I can feel at some points, and the pain I feel the rest of the time. Though the knowledge that I was probably wrong at every turn is equally as disconcerting. Well that's enough. Time to fold, just wish I hadn't stayed in so long.
Edit - 11/14 - 3:50 PM
For all those reading this now that comments have been posted, a new song lyric for you....
Well life has a funny way of sneaking up on you,
When you think everything's okay and everything's going right
And life has a funny way of helping you out when
You think everything's gone wrong and everything blows up in your face.
'Ironic' - Alanis Morissette
The title here being more relevant than the words. How is it that those commenting (and agreeing with me) are the ones that convinced me (or caused...) everything I wrote above. But the trifecta is in play now, just need the last one to comment and then it'll be like a party....in hell (Editor's Note - 12/5/09 - the Trifecta referred to Tavis and Alex both commenting on the Myspace posting of this blog, next just needed Shaun). And for those that may think I wrote that bit in anger, well, not so much....I'm actually sitting with a cocked eyebrow thinking how odd this is, yet fitting, lol.
When I think about the last time I walled myself off completely, I did it because I had almost nothing left. How can I do that now when there are still things I value? The price has been high already (even if that price was spread out over four months), I don't know how much more I can give up. But then I wonder am I really taking that much away from others? Because at this point I just can't tell.
On the brighter side, I hope to finally have the good news from work that I've been waiting for. It's taken long enough but it should be worth the wait.
Friday, November 9, 2007
I Walk the Streets of Japan, Til I Get Lost, Cause It Doesn't Remind Me of Anything
With a graveyard tan, carrying a cross, cause it doesn't remind me of anything.
I like studying faces, in a parking lot, cause it doesn't remind me of anything.
I like driving backwards, in the fog, cause it doesn't remind me of anything.
The things that I"ve loved, the things that I've lost,
The things that I've held sacred, that I've dropped,
I won't lie no more you can bet,
I don't want to learn what I'll need, to forget.
'Doesn't Remind Me' - Audioslave
Well I suppose the day went alright. My plan to come in this morning with guns blazing required some scaling back as I do have a job that requires attention first. I got to what I needed to later in the day, and at least it seemed mostly useful. While I felt a bit of vindication, I suppose that the damage is already done. Didn't quite get everything out there, but close enough for one day's work. Would be easier if you would all stop interrupting, but its okay, these things work themselves out in the end. Until then, I continue my search for happiness, because if I keep looking for it in the same places I have been, I will go completely insane.
I am at least able to distract myself by continuing my favorite activity at work....doing whatever I want. The demands of my job have continued to go increasingly out of control, as my recent call for help to my most trusted coworkers (ok, maybe not all of them qualify as that, but I had to include them on the message :P) probably showed. However in the bit of time I have where I can't do my normal stuff, I've manged to take on two throroughly enjoyable projects.
So in a completely unrelated topic, I have the urge to start my own website, so that I can finally put up the couple thousand pictures/videos that I have been promising. As I went through labelling the last couple months worth of stuff, a viewing of the video of "It's Raining Men" as performed by Shandrew and the Best Buy Crew reminded me how much I need to get this shit online. My dislike for sites like this for that purpose cannot be expressed in words. However, what I require is a name for this site. All suggestions welcome. Winner gets a cookie.
I like studying faces, in a parking lot, cause it doesn't remind me of anything.
I like driving backwards, in the fog, cause it doesn't remind me of anything.
The things that I"ve loved, the things that I've lost,
The things that I've held sacred, that I've dropped,
I won't lie no more you can bet,
I don't want to learn what I'll need, to forget.
'Doesn't Remind Me' - Audioslave
Well I suppose the day went alright. My plan to come in this morning with guns blazing required some scaling back as I do have a job that requires attention first. I got to what I needed to later in the day, and at least it seemed mostly useful. While I felt a bit of vindication, I suppose that the damage is already done. Didn't quite get everything out there, but close enough for one day's work. Would be easier if you would all stop interrupting, but its okay, these things work themselves out in the end. Until then, I continue my search for happiness, because if I keep looking for it in the same places I have been, I will go completely insane.
I am at least able to distract myself by continuing my favorite activity at work....doing whatever I want. The demands of my job have continued to go increasingly out of control, as my recent call for help to my most trusted coworkers (ok, maybe not all of them qualify as that, but I had to include them on the message :P) probably showed. However in the bit of time I have where I can't do my normal stuff, I've manged to take on two throroughly enjoyable projects.
So in a completely unrelated topic, I have the urge to start my own website, so that I can finally put up the couple thousand pictures/videos that I have been promising. As I went through labelling the last couple months worth of stuff, a viewing of the video of "It's Raining Men" as performed by Shandrew and the Best Buy Crew reminded me how much I need to get this shit online. My dislike for sites like this for that purpose cannot be expressed in words. However, what I require is a name for this site. All suggestions welcome. Winner gets a cookie.
Saturday, November 3, 2007
Kick Them Right in the Face, Make Them Wish They Weren't Born
And if they bring up your name, well they'll say you won the war.
Baby burst in the world, never given a chance.
Then they ask what went wrong, when you never had it right.
No you never had it right.
I remember runnin through the wet grass, and falling a step behind
Both of us never tiring, desperately wanting.
'Desperately Wanting' - Better Than Ezra
Mood swings are such a bitch. I woke up repeatedly throughout the night and found myself barely able to stand, fighting bouts of dizziness brought on by my cold. However they subsided when I finally got up, allowing me to go enjoy a great time in Kirkland. However as the ongoing situation continues to do, it forced me to think about things, things I should probably be talking about more. It is that last bit that set the tone for the rest of the day. I went back to bed an hour or so after getting home in an attempt to recuperate. What I ended up doing was becoming depressed, very very depressed. I noticed something during this introspection. I'm apparently broken, as I have found myself unable to cry. It was meant to be a release for everything that is pent up, and it failed. And talking about it later with Aaron obviously didn't help much as we both ended up depressed by the time it was over. Obviously I need to vent this more appropriately, and I probably owe an apology for not having done so already. If there was any truth that came from the conversation that pissed me off (written about in our last episode), then it was the fact that, regardless if people were listening or not, I probably wasn't saying quite enough. I'm trying to fix that, I just don't know what I'm going to say to any of you yet.
So no, I am not alright. I haven't been alright for quite sometime. Is most of it my own damned fault, yeah probably. But what would you have me do. Nothing I could have said or done would have changed anything. That is why I've remained silent. If keeping my pain close meant not making things worse for others, then so be it. I have always said that it is the price I pay for being the kind of person that I am.
I think it would be a little easier if I knew what it is I'm supposed to look forward to. Everything that has gone on (both in the 'soap opera' and various smaller unrelated incidents) has reinforced one emotion I feel almost all the time. Sheer and utter loneliness. I don't remember a time anymore where I haven't felt that. This is the other reason I remain silent. I want and need no pity, no words of solace, no comforting, but it will come regardless, and it will do nothing.
Baby burst in the world, never given a chance.
Then they ask what went wrong, when you never had it right.
No you never had it right.
I remember runnin through the wet grass, and falling a step behind
Both of us never tiring, desperately wanting.
'Desperately Wanting' - Better Than Ezra
Mood swings are such a bitch. I woke up repeatedly throughout the night and found myself barely able to stand, fighting bouts of dizziness brought on by my cold. However they subsided when I finally got up, allowing me to go enjoy a great time in Kirkland. However as the ongoing situation continues to do, it forced me to think about things, things I should probably be talking about more. It is that last bit that set the tone for the rest of the day. I went back to bed an hour or so after getting home in an attempt to recuperate. What I ended up doing was becoming depressed, very very depressed. I noticed something during this introspection. I'm apparently broken, as I have found myself unable to cry. It was meant to be a release for everything that is pent up, and it failed. And talking about it later with Aaron obviously didn't help much as we both ended up depressed by the time it was over. Obviously I need to vent this more appropriately, and I probably owe an apology for not having done so already. If there was any truth that came from the conversation that pissed me off (written about in our last episode), then it was the fact that, regardless if people were listening or not, I probably wasn't saying quite enough. I'm trying to fix that, I just don't know what I'm going to say to any of you yet.
So no, I am not alright. I haven't been alright for quite sometime. Is most of it my own damned fault, yeah probably. But what would you have me do. Nothing I could have said or done would have changed anything. That is why I've remained silent. If keeping my pain close meant not making things worse for others, then so be it. I have always said that it is the price I pay for being the kind of person that I am.
I think it would be a little easier if I knew what it is I'm supposed to look forward to. Everything that has gone on (both in the 'soap opera' and various smaller unrelated incidents) has reinforced one emotion I feel almost all the time. Sheer and utter loneliness. I don't remember a time anymore where I haven't felt that. This is the other reason I remain silent. I want and need no pity, no words of solace, no comforting, but it will come regardless, and it will do nothing.
Thursday, November 1, 2007
Hello, Let Me Introduce You to the Characters in the Show
One says yes, one says no
Decide - which voice in your head you can keep alive.
Even in madness, I know you still believe
Paint me your canvas so I become
What you could never be.
I dare you to tell me to walk through fire
Wear my soul and call me a liar
I dare you to tell me to walk through the fire
I dare you to tell me, I dare you to.
'I Dare You' - Shinedown
To every story there is more than one side. And to every side there is more than one interpretation. So as the web we've weaved has progressed, I have been forced to take many things with a grain of salt, to react to things in whatever way kept up appearances, if you will. But now we're reaching the last stop on the journey. The endgame of this entire affair. I should have known last night as I started to feel ill that it was a sign of things to come. Alas I did not heed this thought and walked headlong into an inferno this morning.
Over the previous 36 hours, a series of conversations had taken place that were meant to put people in their place. In the course of this, I was told that my plight had been among many other topics of conversation. It was said that crimes of the worst kind had been perpetrated against me, that I was being caused pain of unimaginable magnitude. I have certainly had many moments where I felt pain due to everything that has gone on, but I have tended to not hold anyone responsible. I believe we all committed crimes against one another, it was simply the nature of the beast. Should I be more hurt at some of the events, perhaps, but I haven't been, and that is what matters. I had a few hours to consider what was going on before everyone else arrived. This is where the grain of salt comes in...
My views throughout this affair have been the topic of considerable speculation to others. As I write now, I am reminded how tricky current and past tenses can be, don't read too much into which I use as I am using them indiscriminantely right now...I have a fairly pessimistic outlook on certain aspects of my life, and more specifically how other people feel about me. I have operated under the assumption that what I was considering was a phenomenally stupid idea, the assumption that she would not be capable of feeling the same about me, ever.
There did remain though a cautious optimism that, well, who knows, things change, perhaps we would both look for something simple and want to see where it went from there. As a part of this though, it means that I avoided doing one thing. Falling in love. It has been eight years since I played that particular game, at an unfairly young age as it turned out. And the cost of that game was immeasureably high. By the time it was over, I had lost damn near everything and everyone I cared about. Only a select few remained after that fateful moment, one that I can still replay with total precision. I'll be damned if I'm going to risk that again without at least some basic assurances (you know, something simple like mutual interest, though for those familiar with the story I'm referring to, this drips with irony). So with that I think I can return happily to a place I was at seven months ago, before my part in this began. This is the place I was at Monday, enjoying what was one of the best days I've had in a long time.
So back to that salt...There is a question that needs to be answered, and it is one of the utmost importance. When the second half of today's story was told, it left me pretty stunned. I remain hopeful that there was simply a misinterpretation. If not, than I am both saddened, angered, and vengeful.
Decide - which voice in your head you can keep alive.
Even in madness, I know you still believe
Paint me your canvas so I become
What you could never be.
I dare you to tell me to walk through fire
Wear my soul and call me a liar
I dare you to tell me to walk through the fire
I dare you to tell me, I dare you to.
'I Dare You' - Shinedown
To every story there is more than one side. And to every side there is more than one interpretation. So as the web we've weaved has progressed, I have been forced to take many things with a grain of salt, to react to things in whatever way kept up appearances, if you will. But now we're reaching the last stop on the journey. The endgame of this entire affair. I should have known last night as I started to feel ill that it was a sign of things to come. Alas I did not heed this thought and walked headlong into an inferno this morning.
Over the previous 36 hours, a series of conversations had taken place that were meant to put people in their place. In the course of this, I was told that my plight had been among many other topics of conversation. It was said that crimes of the worst kind had been perpetrated against me, that I was being caused pain of unimaginable magnitude. I have certainly had many moments where I felt pain due to everything that has gone on, but I have tended to not hold anyone responsible. I believe we all committed crimes against one another, it was simply the nature of the beast. Should I be more hurt at some of the events, perhaps, but I haven't been, and that is what matters. I had a few hours to consider what was going on before everyone else arrived. This is where the grain of salt comes in...
My views throughout this affair have been the topic of considerable speculation to others. As I write now, I am reminded how tricky current and past tenses can be, don't read too much into which I use as I am using them indiscriminantely right now...I have a fairly pessimistic outlook on certain aspects of my life, and more specifically how other people feel about me. I have operated under the assumption that what I was considering was a phenomenally stupid idea, the assumption that she would not be capable of feeling the same about me, ever.
There did remain though a cautious optimism that, well, who knows, things change, perhaps we would both look for something simple and want to see where it went from there. As a part of this though, it means that I avoided doing one thing. Falling in love. It has been eight years since I played that particular game, at an unfairly young age as it turned out. And the cost of that game was immeasureably high. By the time it was over, I had lost damn near everything and everyone I cared about. Only a select few remained after that fateful moment, one that I can still replay with total precision. I'll be damned if I'm going to risk that again without at least some basic assurances (you know, something simple like mutual interest, though for those familiar with the story I'm referring to, this drips with irony). So with that I think I can return happily to a place I was at seven months ago, before my part in this began. This is the place I was at Monday, enjoying what was one of the best days I've had in a long time.
So back to that salt...There is a question that needs to be answered, and it is one of the utmost importance. When the second half of today's story was told, it left me pretty stunned. I remain hopeful that there was simply a misinterpretation. If not, than I am both saddened, angered, and vengeful.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)