I'm Always Workin', Slavin' Every Day

Gotta get away from that same old same old.
I need a chance, just to get away,
If you could hear me think, this is what I'd say.

Don't need nothin, but a good time, how can I resist.
Ain't lookin for nothin, but a good time, and it don't get better than this.

'Nothin But a Good Time' - Poison

I find it humorous how now if I go a while without writing, I start getting questions as to why, and when I'm going to again. I suppose I should either be flattered or disturbed. As for the why, well, honestly not much has been going on. Work has been up and down, as is to be expected this time of year. And everything else, while uneventful from a dramatic point of view, has been nothing but good times. All I've done is hang out with friends, a lot. And the worst that has gone on there is I've got people attempting to coerce me in to attempting something that is for lack of a better word, interesting. Now this may not have gone so well last time, but I find that to be irrelevant now. In fact I find it somewhat telling that in the face of all that happened, I have arrived at a point where I am mostly happy, especially over the last three weeks. It's funny thinking of how things have changed, and what has been absent in that span of time. I'd like to think its a coincidence, but I think most everyone would call shenanigans on that, and would go as far as to tell me "I told you so."

We are one week from 2008. I can hardly contain my excitement at this fact. I am willing to say that 2007 was in most ways a complete and utter disaster. However with the recent turn around, I have to believe that better days lay ahead. The fully optimistic view has things really hitting their stride around the 26th or 27th...and anyone who can figure out why will get two cookies (as one cookie did not entice many people the last time I offered a reward).

And by the way, fuck being back to work at 4:00am tomorrow. To every person that may be returning something tomorrow, I reserve the right to stab you for no good reason.

One event of note that I realize I never wrote about...I think I have now shaken the hand of the next President of the United States. Two down, hopefully.

They say winners keep score, so here are some current statistics and scores with no explanation for the sake of posterity and because I'm bored as I get ready for bed:
Me: 2 Cars: 0
Seven Day Theory: 2 Me: 0
Crappy Phone: 1 Ability to send one text message to 100 people: 0
Songs downloaded this month: 5,000
Songs integrated into music collection (I'm OCD about file names): 0
Minutes it took to say goodbye before leaving work Sunday: 35 <3

I'm Only Happy When It Rains

I'm only happy when it's complicated.
And though I know you can't appreciate it,
I'm only happy when it rains.

'Only Happy When It Rains' - Garbage

Ok, none of that is true, it's just raining....a lot. Any happiness at this time is purely coincidental. I find it interesting that so soon after plans were made at work, that this first part of the apocalypse has arrived. I realize however that we assumed that said apocalpyse would involve nuclear weapons, civil war, or some other violent upheaval. For this, our store is the perfect position, defendable in all directions, fortified by thick cement walls and blast doors, a good place to base our command center. However the problem with this plan is that if the apocalpyse comes by flood, we're freakin boned. Back to the drawing bored boys. And poor Brian...trapped in the wasteland that is Woodinville.

After a few days of being incredibly displeased with...everything, I have returned to that happy place I was in a week ago. Friday was perhaps the pinnacle of this, having been the day that I got to see so many friends, both at home and in my first visit to Moon Temple. Why oh why did I wait so long to make it out to that place. Fun would be an insufficient word to describe it. New friends, drunken bar songs, and being able to say that I'm fine again (Randy and Michelle, obviously you can agree with that statement) all made it a night I needed. The rest of the weekend was good too, getting to spend time with my family (even if there were some unpleasant moments....sorry baby doll, it'll get better).

I think the only bad thing right now is that I apparently shattered the LCD on my camera. At least it still works...mostly. Even work is alright...I guess...at least the holidays are essentially over in three weeks. And then New Year's...my incredibly circuitous plan is one-quarter complete.

Jealousy, Turning Saints Into the Sea

Swimming through sick lullabies, choking on your alibis.
But it's just the price I pay, destiny is calling me.
Open up my eager eyes, cause I'm Mr. Brightside.

'Mr. Brightside' - The Killers

You have got to be kidding me. I wanted to get out of the house because of what had happened today. Then I found myself wanting nothing but to be back here because of what happened tonight. All I wanted was a nice relaxing evening with friends, but apparently that was too fucking much to ask.

What amuses me is how little I felt during it all. I literally did nothing but keep a blank stare on my face, with just a hint of a smile. I wasn't even angry at what was happening, just that it was happening right then, at the absolutely wrong time. Like I said in 'Give Me a Shot to Remember,' I'm fine with what has gone on. The pain is still there, but I've dealt with it. There is this part of me, and it is the part that expressed itself as I walked away, that I almost feel bad expressing. It's the part of me that just started laughing. Maybe it was a laugh of relief that another page is turned. Maybe it was a laugh at the sheer absurdity of it all. Or perhaps it was my personality fracturing, and the evil half asserting itself. It is the same side of me that had a hard time believing some of the words that had been spoken to me, specifically the ones about me. It is that little part that worries me.

There are 34 days left in this year. I have started reminding myself of this, as though an arbitrary change in calendar year could have any true significance.

On the one good side....hilarity did as always ensue, and was captured on video. I think my idea of a greatest hits album is sounding better all the time.

So Much For the Golden Future, I Can't Even Start

I've had every promise broken, there's anger in my heart,
You don't know what it's like, you don't have a clue.
If you did you'd find yourselves, doing the same thing too.

Breakin the law, breakin the law....

'Breakin the Law' - Judas Priest

Motherfuckers. Well it could have been far worse. Sometime between 10:30am and 3:00pm, someone decided to enter our home, and start taking things. I was the lucky one in that I lost nothing. Brian lost an Xbox 360 and a PS2, while Aaron lost a Wii and an old laptop. Nothing else whatsoever was taken. Thank god they didn't go upstairs where the real money is. Cops came, dusted for prints, did there thing, and left. Obviously we expect nothing back. The idea that someone invaded our home is disturbing to me. I have to say, this is one of the last places I want to be right now. Time to fix that, see many of you in a couple hours.

Give Me a Shot to Remember, And You Can Take All the Pain Away From Me

A kiss and I will surrender, the sharpest lives are the deadliest to lead.
A light to burn all the empires, so bright the sun is ashamed to rise and be,
In love with all of these vampires, so you can leave like the sane abandoned me.

'The Sharpest Lives' - My Chemical Romance

The difference was noticable obviously, because everyone seemed to sense it. Then again perhaps the giant freaking smile on my face made it apparent. Steve commented that it looked like I was "drunk on life," (ironic due to the small hangover I was still nursing), others today just commented that I looked happy, always stating this with surprise in their voices. For the past two days, I have been the happiest I have been in quite a while. There are still things to be dealt with, maybe. I'm not sure I care at this point because I believe I have, at least in my own mind, if not with those involved, reached a conclusion. There is an understanding of what started all of this, that while it was in some ways disturbing, it also shouldn't have been a surprise because many people made comments to me saying the same thing.

The words that have been stuck in my head are 'shiny new toy.' They are the perfect description of what I experienced. Had I known then what I know now, it would have been obvious. Unfortunately that doesn't negate anything I said or did, or those things that I wanted to say and do but either didn't know how or thought it was unwanted. I don't know why it has taken until now for this fairly simple idea to sink in, or why it is as comforting as it has been, but whatever. There were a few other words that helped me through it too, but those are too....mean....to say here. So for those I told them to, I hope you thought they were as funny as I did. God it feels good to be free of these chains.

I have to say that Saturday night really helped this throught process along. Kevin, Joey, Steph, Matt, Hetty, Michelle, Byron, Randy, etc....good times indeed. If you leave this blog with any type of takeaway, let it be this. Vodka is best served chilled, and spaghetti is best served cooked. ?The More You Know?

God damn it....those are supposed to be music notes....they showed up fine when I previewed....screw you myspace. For effect, please sing the last sentence ala the old NBC commericals. Oh memories :p

Getting Edgy All the Time, There's Someone Around Me Just a Step Behind

It's kinda scary, the shape I'm in, the walls are shakin and they're closing in.
Too fast or a bit too slow, I'm paranoid of people and it's starting to show.
One bad habit that I can't shake, over my shoulder is a big mistake.

Sitting on the bed and I'm lying wide awake.
There's demons in my head and it's more than I can take.
I think I'm on a roll but I think it's kinda weak.
Saying all I know is I gotta get away from me.

'Gotta Get Away' - The Offspring

It is slowly getting easier. Still a lot I'd like to say, but every chance to say it fails somehow. Then again it's like I was told recently, you have to know when to pick your moments. I'd like to think I've known how to do that, I just haven't been able to predict the extent to which things would not go as anticipated (or to which I'd been sabotaged, as though that was necessary). But at this point it doesn't matter. I've had enough of this, and I want nothing more than to disappear for a while. Of course I can't do that, so I will have to settle with burying myself in my job. Maybe I can work enough that I just won't have time to do other shit.

I keep thinking back to a couple of things I wrote back in May and June, some quotes that I added into my writings, specifically the latter one ("Well I've Never Prayed"). The more I think about it, the more it makes sense, I must choose one of those things. Then again maybe it is just my continued inability to do this right. Ya know, I can handle failure, god knows that in this particular arena I've become good at it, but this was absurd. It has been a constant struggle between the immense happiness I can feel at some points, and the pain I feel the rest of the time. Though the knowledge that I was probably wrong at every turn is equally as disconcerting. Well that's enough. Time to fold, just wish I hadn't stayed in so long.

Edit - 11/14 - 3:50 PM

For all those reading this now that comments have been posted, a new song lyric for you....

Well life has a funny way of sneaking up on you,
When you think everything's okay and everything's going right
And life has a funny way of helping you out when
You think everything's gone wrong and everything blows up in your face.

'Ironic' - Alanis Morissette

The title here being more relevant than the words. How is it that those commenting (and agreeing with me) are the ones that convinced me (or caused...) everything I wrote above. But the trifecta is in play now, just need the last one to comment and then it'll be like a party....in hell (Editor's Note - 12/5/09 - the Trifecta referred to Tavis and Alex both commenting on the Myspace posting of this blog, next just needed Shaun). And for those that may think I wrote that bit in anger, well, not so much....I'm actually sitting with a cocked eyebrow thinking how odd this is, yet fitting, lol.

When I think about the last time I walled myself off completely, I did it because I had almost nothing left. How can I do that now when there are still things I value? The price has been high already (even if that price was spread out over four months), I don't know how much more I can give up. But then I wonder am I really taking that much away from others? Because at this point I just can't tell.

On the brighter side, I hope to finally have the good news from work that I've been waiting for. It's taken long enough but it should be worth the wait.

I Walk the Streets of Japan, Til I Get Lost, Cause It Doesn't Remind Me of Anything

With a graveyard tan, carrying a cross, cause it doesn't remind me of anything.
I like studying faces, in a parking lot, cause it doesn't remind me of anything.
I like driving backwards, in the fog, cause it doesn't remind me of anything.

The things that I"ve loved, the things that I've lost,
The things that I've held sacred, that I've dropped,
I won't lie no more you can bet,
I don't want to learn what I'll need, to forget.

'Doesn't Remind Me' - Audioslave

Well I suppose the day went alright. My plan to come in this morning with guns blazing required some scaling back as I do have a job that requires attention first. I got to what I needed to later in the day, and at least it seemed mostly useful. While I felt a bit of vindication, I suppose that the damage is already done. Didn't quite get everything out there, but close enough for one day's work. Would be easier if you would all stop interrupting, but its okay, these things work themselves out in the end. Until then, I continue my search for happiness, because if I keep looking for it in the same places I have been, I will go completely insane.

I am at least able to distract myself by continuing my favorite activity at work....doing whatever I want. The demands of my job have continued to go increasingly out of control, as my recent call for help to my most trusted coworkers (ok, maybe not all of them qualify as that, but I had to include them on the message :P) probably showed. However in the bit of time I have where I can't do my normal stuff, I've manged to take on two throroughly enjoyable projects.

So in a completely unrelated topic, I have the urge to start my own website, so that I can finally put up the couple thousand pictures/videos that I have been promising. As I went through labelling the last couple months worth of stuff, a viewing of the video of "It's Raining Men" as performed by Shandrew and the Best Buy Crew reminded me how much I need to get this shit online. My dislike for sites like this for that purpose cannot be expressed in words. However, what I require is a name for this site. All suggestions welcome. Winner gets a cookie.

Kick Them Right in the Face, Make Them Wish They Weren't Born

And if they bring up your name, well they'll say you won the war.
Baby burst in the world, never given a chance.
Then they ask what went wrong, when you never had it right.
No you never had it right.

I remember runnin through the wet grass, and falling a step behind
Both of us never tiring, desperately wanting.

'Desperately Wanting' - Better Than Ezra

Mood swings are such a bitch. I woke up repeatedly throughout the night and found myself barely able to stand, fighting bouts of dizziness brought on by my cold. However they subsided when I finally got up, allowing me to go enjoy a great time in Kirkland. However as the ongoing situation continues to do, it forced me to think about things, things I should probably be talking about more. It is that last bit that set the tone for the rest of the day. I went back to bed an hour or so after getting home in an attempt to recuperate. What I ended up doing was becoming depressed, very very depressed. I noticed something during this introspection. I'm apparently broken, as I have found myself unable to cry. It was meant to be a release for everything that is pent up, and it failed. And talking about it later with Aaron obviously didn't help much as we both ended up depressed by the time it was over. Obviously I need to vent this more appropriately, and I probably owe an apology for not having done so already. If there was any truth that came from the conversation that pissed me off (written about in our last episode), then it was the fact that, regardless if people were listening or not, I probably wasn't saying quite enough. I'm trying to fix that, I just don't know what I'm going to say to any of you yet.

So no, I am not alright. I haven't been alright for quite sometime. Is most of it my own damned fault, yeah probably. But what would you have me do. Nothing I could have said or done would have changed anything. That is why I've remained silent. If keeping my pain close meant not making things worse for others, then so be it. I have always said that it is the price I pay for being the kind of person that I am.

I think it would be a little easier if I knew what it is I'm supposed to look forward to. Everything that has gone on (both in the 'soap opera' and various smaller unrelated incidents) has reinforced one emotion I feel almost all the time. Sheer and utter loneliness. I don't remember a time anymore where I haven't felt that. This is the other reason I remain silent. I want and need no pity, no words of solace, no comforting, but it will come regardless, and it will do nothing.

Hello, Let Me Introduce You to the Characters in the Show

One says yes, one says no
Decide - which voice in your head you can keep alive.

Even in madness, I know you still believe
Paint me your canvas so I become
What you could never be.

I dare you to tell me to walk through fire
Wear my soul and call me a liar
I dare you to tell me to walk through the fire
I dare you to tell me, I dare you to.

'I Dare You' - Shinedown

To every story there is more than one side. And to every side there is more than one interpretation. So as the web we've weaved has progressed, I have been forced to take many things with a grain of salt, to react to things in whatever way kept up appearances, if you will. But now we're reaching the last stop on the journey. The endgame of this entire affair. I should have known last night as I started to feel ill that it was a sign of things to come. Alas I did not heed this thought and walked headlong into an inferno this morning.

Over the previous 36 hours, a series of conversations had taken place that were meant to put people in their place. In the course of this, I was told that my plight had been among many other topics of conversation. It was said that crimes of the worst kind had been perpetrated against me, that I was being caused pain of unimaginable magnitude. I have certainly had many moments where I felt pain due to everything that has gone on, but I have tended to not hold anyone responsible. I believe we all committed crimes against one another, it was simply the nature of the beast. Should I be more hurt at some of the events, perhaps, but I haven't been, and that is what matters. I had a few hours to consider what was going on before everyone else arrived. This is where the grain of salt comes in...

My views throughout this affair have been the topic of considerable speculation to others. As I write now, I am reminded how tricky current and past tenses can be, don't read too much into which I use as I am using them indiscriminantely right now...I have a fairly pessimistic outlook on certain aspects of my life, and more specifically how other people feel about me. I have operated under the assumption that what I was considering was a phenomenally stupid idea, the assumption that she would not be capable of feeling the same about me, ever.
There did remain though a cautious optimism that, well, who knows, things change, perhaps we would both look for something simple and want to see where it went from there. As a part of this though, it means that I avoided doing one thing. Falling in love. It has been eight years since I played that particular game, at an unfairly young age as it turned out. And the cost of that game was immeasureably high. By the time it was over, I had lost damn near everything and everyone I cared about. Only a select few remained after that fateful moment, one that I can still replay with total precision. I'll be damned if I'm going to risk that again without at least some basic assurances (you know, something simple like mutual interest, though for those familiar with the story I'm referring to, this drips with irony). So with that I think I can return happily to a place I was at seven months ago, before my part in this began. This is the place I was at Monday, enjoying what was one of the best days I've had in a long time.

So back to that salt...There is a question that needs to be answered, and it is one of the utmost importance. When the second half of today's story was told, it left me pretty stunned. I remain hopeful that there was simply a misinterpretation. If not, than I am both saddened, angered, and vengeful.

I Am An Arms Dealer, Filling You With Weapons in the Form of Words

And I don't really care, which side wins,
Long as the room keeps singing, that's just the business I'm in.
This ain't a scene, its a god damn arms race...

'This Ain't a Scene, It's an Arms Race' - Fall Out Boy

Like sands through the hourglass, so are the days of our lives. Those observing have said this is like a soap opera, and they would be pretty much right. Just when one thinks we're almost there, almost done with this absurdity, something else goes horribly amiss. Now that's not to say there wasn't progress made. I know I have removed a burden off my shoulders, and judging by the reaction, can say that the burden wasn't passed, so all is well on that front. Beyond that I make no guarantees.

For the most part, yesterday was exactly what I needed. Pretty much a good day from start to almost finish. Other than that little annoyance throughout that started during the evening, stuff for me was ok. I did find it somewhat telling though that the only way that little annoyance was controlled was by providing comfort for another affliction. That time was also probably the most relaxed I've been in longer than I can immediately remember...it is the simple pleasures isn't it? Hopefully only a couple more days of that and I can ignore it for a while. But anyway, mostly good.

So right now only one question remains forefront in my thoughts. On this sprawling battlefield, with fights being waged across multiple fronts, which direction will I head now. This is a civil war, which historically pit friends against friends and brothers against brothers. This has been and will be no different.

I'm Dreaming Dreams, I'm Scheming Schemes, I'm Building Castles High

They're born anew, their days are few, just like a sweet butterfly.
And as the daylight is dawning, they come again in the morning!

I'm forever blowing bubbles, pretty bubbles in the air,
They fly so high, nearly reach the sky, then like my dreams they fade and die.
Fortune's always hiding, I've looked everwhere,
I'm forever blowing bubbles, pretty bubbles in the air.

'I'm Forever Blowing Bubbles' - Jaan Kenbrovin

This was not the song I was looking for when I spoke of it earlier. However after much searching, I've realized that apparently the song that has always stuck in my head was apparently not using the right lyrics, and the real ones make no sense, lol. Above is the one that came in a close second.

I for one have thoroughly enjoyed the bubble analogy thus far. It is both so fitting, and lends itself well to the hilarity currently going on. Perhaps the last blog was funny when taken as part of this whole thing, despite what we thought the next day. Indeed this has become a 'Comedy of Errors' to say the least, though perhaps without the identical twins. A bit of me is surprised at how many ways we have all screwed up, however that is overwhelmed by the amazement at how well we have dealt with it. I don't know how much more one can say on that topic...yet.

As an aside to all of that, I've come to yet another realization. I have sat with a President, debated with members of Congress, talked with authority on topics ranging from sports, to music, to quantum physics, with the people who make livings at the top of those fields. In all those times I have never once felt outmatched, out of place, or even in awe of those I was speaking with. I have always felt that people are inherently the same, they just gain fame, wealth, or power by doing the things that others can't or won't. My point here is that I generally feel comfortable speaking with anyone about anything. So the realization from this is that despite all these things, it is strange that there are certain things, that when I want to say them, I simply can't. The situations are rare, the topics few and far between, but there they are, looking at me with disdain for the fear that I show. Yet even with this knowledge, I second-guess myself, but I'm almost done doing that. I recently told someone that I admired their ability to do that which I failed so brilliantly at. Though my view on the topic is a bit different than the rest of you, I think its time I threw my two cents in far better than I have so far.

I've also realized that I have become far to subtle in my dealings with people. The cloak and dagger approach to things only works so well and for so long. Time for a bit more bluntness here and there. Although its funny, for all the crap I've been given about what I said here meaning this and what I did there meaning that, and that I've been overt and obvious, even when there was no reason to be....well, I don't know....screw it, I'm out of all that energy I had as I left work, I think I'm taking a nap.

Through These Fields of Destruction, Baptisms of Fire

I've watched all your suffering, as the battles raged higher.
And though they did hurt me so bad,
In the fear and alarm,
You did not desert me,
My brothers in arms.

'Brothers in Arms' - Dire Straits

The great karmic bitchslap. That is what this has turned into. I said when everything started that somehow it was all going to come back and bite me in the ass. And did it ever. Through a mostly predictable series of events, I am now reliving last spring's problems, but through the eyes of the people around me. Not only that, but while I had mostly gotten over it (as much as one can...and to think that fact turned into proper advice...), it was still distressing to more or less get the answer I, for better or worse, did not want.

On the one hand I'm fine with it. I'm happy to be there and to do what I can. However it is so strange that everything I'm saying is basically everything I had to tell myself. The difference this time is that there was actually something tangible happening, whereas mine was the fool's errand of myself and those around me. While that changes the nature of the advice to some degree, it also makes it that much harder to figure out what advice that should be. I can speak to failure, I can speak to the how-to's of moving on. I can't speak to the what-ifs and what could have been's, because I don't know how those actually end.

And this brings me back to something I've been thinking about a lot lately. I'm starting to wonder if the thing I want the most isn't also the thing that I need the least. As much as I've been torn up, both by the current goings-on and those before, I wonder if it is truly worth it. Problem is I've tried the other side, doing nothing. That went equally has poorly. At what point do I at least figure out where the real problem lies. I've always told myself that the problem lay in the obvious reasons, the ones that everyone can see. Those are the ones that I can work hard to fix, I just haven't tried as hard as I should. If the problem is something else, something not so easy to see, well than it stems out of the things in which I take the greatest pride, and means that I truly don't know what to do.

In the better parts of life, I got to spend the weekend with family. While it was not terribly exciting (I'm sorry, I just can't sit around watching movies for that many hours), it was still good to have five of my kids around, all of which I'd missed terribly. Words cannot describe the joy that they all bring me, even when they are little whores (that's right Jessica, I said it).

Think that'll have to do for now. Gotta take care of dinner so I can't keep droning on and on. Should be an interesting week coming up. I'll be back into the normal swing of things at work, and while doing so I'll be trying to fix everything I wrote about today. My job is an exercise in futility, why shouldn't everything else?

A Movie, Still Photograph, Through a Martyr's Eyes Can I See

I've seen the best of love, the best of hate, the best reward is earned.
And I've paid for every single world I ever said.

'Chase This Light' - Jimmy Eat World

I hate Myspace. I had this written out last night, and it completely deleted it. Booooo poorly designed text input programs. So enjoy, as I bring to you with twice the effort of other blogs, and only half the calories.

Statistics for the week
108,000 items counted in one night.
$3.5 Million total value of said items.
160 hours worked in three weeks.
6 miles walked the night after the counting was done.

The long hours, the complete exhaustion, the sheer effort and force of will all came to a head on the 7th. As much as I managed to drive myself into the ground, it did feel like a worthwhile accomplishment. It didn't go quite as smoothly as we hoped, but perhaps about as much as we expected. Not surprisingly, I was the first one there and the last one out, a span of about 16 hours. But damn did it feel good when it was over.

Now I should probably insert a little side note here. My car has been broken for about a week and a half. I came to the conclusion that driving to and from work without functioning brakes would likely end in my demise. And by god I'm not dying until I spend the paycheck that equaled about 130 hours of time. So fortunately Aaron, in yet another act of kindness, let me carpool with him. On this particular day though, I didn't get out of the store until after he would normally leave for work. Out of pure luck, I pulled up to our street exactly as he was walking by to catch a bus. Instead I picked him up, dropped him off downtown, came back home, and went to sleep. I woke up in time to go pick him up from work. Now since he was headed back home and I was going to Northgate, I said I'd just hop on a bus.

This is where the day got interesting.

It was a nice day, so I thought I'd just walk for a while before getting to a bus stop. So after going for roughly two miles, I decided to catch a bus to just long enough to get me into the U-District. After doing so, I got back off, and proceeded to walk to Tavis and Hetty's. This was roughly four more miles. So after working 16 hours and sleeping five, I decided it was a good idea to walk this long distance. Amazingly I didn't feel tired at all, which was a pleasant surprise. After playing Halo 3 with Tavis for a while, Alex and I met up with Sabrina and Andrew at Dante's. Surprisingly low turnout, but made fun by the group of folk from Liverpool that were absolutely hilarious.

Now during the course of my walk, my mind obviously raced through many topics. Not surprisingly, one of them was the guilt that I covered in my last blog. As the night neared an end, I cleared up that last bit of truth that needed to be said, and felt much better about things after doing so. Now I don't think it hurt that I dropped what I believe was a pretty good compliment before doing so (you gotta give me credit for that), but it was the most appropriate lead-in for what I had needed to say. And by the way, bravo to you on the total poker face. I neither needed nor wanted a reaction one way or another, but expected one would come regardless. I was wrong, and that was pleasantly surprising.

The rest of the week was pretty good too. Thursday especially, as I stopped by Gabriel, Dan and Matt's (as I hadn't visited since the accident) and hung out for a couple hours. After that I headed with Alex, Danielle, and Shaun to the Jimmy Eat World concert, which was absolutely amazing. For pics, see there profiles, as they pretty much took them all. I do have to ask though, why is there always one person (or more) that has to take an agressive stance toward those around them in the crowd. Both Shaun and I had moments that could have escalated considerably, but fortunately didn't. But whatever, nothing could ruin the fun that day provided. On top of that I got to sleep in as I decided to go into work late. Making my own schedule lately has to have been one of the few perks of this job that kept me sane. And as an added bonus, the couch was quite comfortable, which is so unusual.

And finally, a weekend with sleep. I cannot express how happy this made me. I finally feel rested. I finally feel like I'm not going to fall over and slip into a coma at any moment. I was able to go back to work happy, full of life, and ready to get a raise and a vacation.

I Had to Close Down Everything, I Had to Close Down My Mind

To many things to cover me, to much can make me blind.
I've seen so much in so many places, so many heartaches, so many faces.
So many dirty things, you wouldn't even believe.
'Extreme Ways' - Moby

The week is over, but the day is yet to come. That is tomorrow. I hope everything I've done the past two months pays off. It's sad that I've spent more time at work than I have at home since last Sunday. At least the paycheck with the first week having 50 hours, and the 2nd week having 62 hours will be nice. Whether or not its been worth the constant headaches is up for some argument.

As horrifyingly bad as the week turned out to be at work, I have to say the whole thing ended on a positive note. Finally got to air out a few things that were on my mind, while getting to finally hear the things on everyone elses. Couple last bits to deal with on the topic but its mostly good. It is kinda funny, the part I left out proceeded come up in my dreams when I slept this afternoon. Obviously the subconscience says I can leave nothing out. My regular conscience said the same thing so I'll deal with that tomorrow. At least that godforsaken chapter of things can be closed. It's a shame that I still can't say what the next move will be. I'd like to think that whatever it is, it will end better than the rest have. I know what I want, it's just a matter of figuring out who and where I can get it from.

Drive Until You Lose the Road

Or break with the ones you've followed.
He will do one of two things
He'll admit to everything, or he'll just say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came.
'How to Save a Life' - The Fray

A complete lack of sleep, combined with almost total solitude (people around, but none who'd bother me), gave me the opportunity to think about a great many things, to consider the goings on of the past few months and the many events of note therein. I have never claimed to be an infallible person, at least not seriously. Nor have I claimed to always do the right thing. I can safely say that while I generally try to do right by myself and those around me, there are times where things fall into what I can only call a 'morally gray' area. Rarely though am I so certain that what I have done was for the best.

I came out of this day with a clarity that I haven't had in quite a while. An understanding of what has come before, and what shall come after. I do wish I could say that I had learned my lesson the first time, so that history wouldn't have repeated itself. Perhaps having the lesson return will allow me to improve the way I do things.

As I read what I've written, both now and previously, I am again reminded of how vague I almost always am. It does actually pain me that I have to be so secretive, but such are the lives we lead. I would trust many people with the full details of what has gone on, but trust can be an interesting thing. Recently I've had the opportunity to discuss with Gabriel some of the finer points of trust. There is certainly an ebb and flow to it, sometimes purposely, sometimes not. It seems that most of our conclusions support that statement, as do the actions of both myself and many around me. It does make me notice though that I have become far more guarded than I used to be. Perhaps the losses of one too many people close to me have done more damage than I am prepared to admit. I am still very open with people, just only to a certain point. I still can't say whether or not I consider that a wise decision.

There is a quote that I have always been fond of. It comes from a book that I believe is of great philosophical value, even though I disagree with some of its most basic points:

"The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness. For he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers[.]" - Ezekiel 25:17

There is a part of me that is saddened that I haven't done all that I was capable of, in many situations, not just the one that immediately comes to mind. But I don't know what I could have done differently to change anything, or that I even would want to. Because during my moment of clarity, there was a distinct lack of the negative emotions that I would have expected. There was satisfaction with finally having come to an understanding, a sadness at the naivete and cowardice that I had shown on occasion, displeasure at crimes perpetrated against me, and a happiness that I could finally say that for me, the fight was over. Fortunately it is the latter of those that rules the day now.

So were the things I did worth it? I go again to another quote, this time from the altogether far too geeky source of Star Trek: DS9. Despite where its coming from, I firmly believe that Avery Brooks put on one of the finest performances I've ever seen in an hour of TV, an hour that ended with the following (slightly paraphrased):

"So....I lied. I cheated. I bribed men to cover the crimes of other men...But the most damning thing of all...I think I can live with it. And if I had to do it all over again, I would....A guilty conscience is a small price to pay...So I will learn to live with it. Because I can live with it."

And right as I'm previewing this I make one last edit with another realization. I had a hunch this moment of insight was coming. For a few nights I've had something on my mind. Someone who I will miss a surprisingly large amount imparted upon me a few words of kindness. Not the first time she's done it, but everytime it tends to take me by surprise because she does it in ways no one else ever has. That couple minutes replayed many times in my mind. And it seems ironic that part of the conversation that occured that has led me here, questioning my motives, my morals, and many other things, was the statement that I am a genuinely good person, and how rare that is. So should that person read this, I throw some more lyrics out now to end this:

You know I've seen a lot of what the world can do
And it's breakin' my heart in two
Because I never wanna see you a sad girl
Don't be a bad girl
But if you wanna leave, take good care
I hope you make a lot of nice friends out there
But just remember there's a lot of bad and beware.

'Wild World' - Cat Stevens

Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring

BANANAPHONE (do do di do di do)
Ding Dong Ding Dong Ding Dong Ding
BANANAPHONE
'Bananaphone' - Raffi

Today I bring you two stories from around the world. Stories that are bound to change lives. Stories both to scare and amaze.

First that which scares. Our world faces an imminent crisis. A crisis of epic proportions. A crisis that was the inspiration for the title of this blog.

You get up in the morning to enjoy a fine breakfast that may or may not include a banana. While you consume this delicious fruit, you don't bother to take a moment to look at it, admire its various features. One such feature you may have noticed one day, a long time ago, would have been seeds. Small black seeds not even noticeable to the palette. However if you were to look now you would not see those seeds. Now for those unfamiliar with the procreation habits of plants, it is good to know here that to reproduce, a plant needs to have seeds. However after years of genetic manipulation via very particular breeding habits, the seeds have been removed, for mostly cosmetic reasons. This is a particular kind of stupid, and has led to the unbelievable, horrifying, BANANAPOCALPYSE.

For those naysayers that believe I am overreacting, I would direct you to this link.
If only you could stockpile fruit for long periods of time. Perhaps freezedrying will work...

Next I must explain to those few of you here that may not be familiar with my job. The short version is that I'm responsible for making sure my store's inventory system is accurate. If it says we have something, I need to know where its supposed to be, where it actually is, why and how shit went wrong, and to report what we've lost.

Elsewhere in the world exists a facility that has recently been having difficulty taking an accurate inventory of its items. However they also don't have anyone specifically dedicated to the task. I would however have a couple minor concerns about taking the job. First off, I don't know if I want to move to such a boring place. Also, as many of you have bore witness to, my job can be frustrating. This would be somewhat alleviated by the fact that everything is in a limited amount of locations, and are all pretty much limited to 3 or 4 types of item. The downside is that it is in the form of enough nuclear material to obliterate the entire fucking planet. You may read about my new employer here.

In actual everyday related news, work is kicking my ass. Four straight weeks of overtime, with three more to go. And I'm actually enjoying the time at work. I've managed to do some things that I think show why my position can be so important. But I will still need a vacation soon, lol.

I've Gone Out of My Way, Big Blank Slate Every Day

Big, blank canvas staring at me, every day.
'Revenge' - Spoon

A blank slate is right, at least in terms of living arrangements. The long awaited move is over, and I find myself in an absolutely fantastic three-bedroom townhouse in East Redmond. While there was a time where the location displeased me, at this point I don't care because it's so nice here. Makes the horrifically long day of moving worth it. Left work early on Friday so I could get more done, getting home around noon. We didn't get done with everything until 6am Saturday morning. If Joe (1) and Jeeves (2) hadn't come to help, it probably would have taken even longer. I shudder at that thought. I found the most humorous side effect of a late night was that by sleeping in until 2:30pm, I had apparently 'dropped off the face of the earth.' Or so those who couldn't reach me said. But even though it took what seemed like forever, the weight it lifted off the shoulders was immense. No more being couped up in an apartment that was not mine. No more stress about looking, and possibly not finding, a new place. With that over, I could do something more important, like having fun.

I expected to be unpacking Sunday, but that quickly went by the wayside. My first plan was to put together my desk, but I couldn't find all the parts. By the time I did, I went to run errands with Alex (3) for a few hours. Not long after that Shell (4) and her friend Sara (5) came and gave me a full size bed. Given the piece of crap I'd been sleeping on for longer than I'd like to remember, it was a considerable upgrade. I am currently accepting applications for people to help me break in the new bed. You may feel free to sign up in the comment section of this page, however no appointment is necessary. The only downside is that it takes up a larger portion of the room than one might like. However what is the point of having space if I don't use it. Oh, and almost forgot...the numbers you see after each persons name. We've had a running joke here at the house that your ranking in terms of friends is determined on what order in which you've seen the house. Congratulations Joe on being our new best friend. To everyone else that has visited so far, congratulations on being close to the top. If you haven't been here, well then you're missing out.

Elsewhere, work is getting interesting. We're 5 weeks out from our yearly Inventory count, and there is a fucking ton of work to do. I will be working roughly 173 hours per week until October 7th. On the plus side, doing work that is vastly beyond my pay level will hopefully succeed in making that pay level higher. And regardless of that, I happen to be enjoying my projects. At least I get some reward out of this job (of course I say that on Labor Day...hooray for work holidays).

We Didn't Read the Invite, We Just Danced At Our Wake

All our favorites were playing,
So we could shake, shake, shake, shake, shake.
'Missed the Boat' - Modest Mouse

Download Festival at the Gorge. Modest Mouse, Incubus, Presidents of the United States of American, Nada Surf, The Thermals, and more. You know you've had a good time when you get home and can barely move or hear. The burns, bruises, and beatings were well worth it, even with having to be back for the meeting at work this morning (which many of you I'm sure can bare witness, I probably looked like shit). It was my first time at the Gorge, and holy god, I can't believe it took me this long to get out there. That place is absolutely amazing. And it was pretty cool because there were chances to chill with the bands, which was pretty fun. Ended up meeting Matthew and Ira from Nada Surf, Andrew from the Presidents, and the first band that played, Back Door Slam (who if you're into rock with a heavy blues influence...damn this is good).

Those good times were preceeded by three straight nights of more good times with differnet friends...and at least some alcohol. Woulda been damn near perfect if it weren't for the fact that it meant I didn't get to sleep in my bed...at least one of the couches was comfortable :p. The body may hate me right now, but the mind...well I think that all things considered, its been a great week. Good change of pace.

And as for the ongoing house saga...its almost over. We found a place, still in Redmond, that we sign the lease for and move into Thursday/Friday. Thankfully that nightmare will go by the wayside, leaving more time for things like that concert. And maybe time for sleep, which has been in short supply lately. In fact I'm going to do that right now. That stupid meeting this morning really through a hitch in my idea of sleeping in. All that meeting did was prove to me that one day you will all find me in a corner, in the fetal position, screaming about how much I hate my coworkers. Ok, maybe not, but the image amuses me.

One Night and One More Time, Thanks for the Memories

'Thnks fr th Mmrs' - Fall Out Boy

I had two goals last night. First was to have pure an unadulterated fun, something that has been all too rare lately. And second, and to help facilitate the first, was to drink enough that I couldn't feel feelings anymore. I am happy to say I was successful on both counts. I have enjoyed trying to figure out over the past half hour what my last coherent memory of the night was. Haven't really got an answer to that yet. But seriously, thanks to everyone who came. It pained me that I haven't been able to be out with everyone for so long, so it definitely felt good to be back in the loving embrace of everyone there.

And thank you to everyone that helped function as my prostethic legs. Walking is a highly overrated skill anyway.

Oh yeah, and in the middle of all of it...I have almost crafted an answer to one of the pressing issues of the past few months. But like any good puzzle, just when one answer is found, more questions arise. Fortunately the answer was sufficient enough though to almost entirely close that bad chapter.

I Sure Don't Mind a Change, But I Fell on Black Days

How would I know, that this could be my fate.
'Fell On Black Days' - Soundgarden

I'm getting really sick of writing these blogs about bad shit. Soon I'm gonna need to hunt down new music just to get songs with appropriately sad/angry/depressing lyrics for my titles. Just when I think I can stop the hemorrhaging, stabilize everything that has gone so horribly wrong, something else gets thrown on the heap. Fortunately another disaster was averted, but it has, perhaps for the best, rekindled the fire of trying to find new living accomodations. We have made a rule that no one is able to ask 'what else can go wrong.'

Anyway, I will almost undoubtely be moving again in three weeks. This was going to be the end result, just maybe not this month. Our landlords pretty much made this decision for us though. Well maybe tonight will go better, but that is yet to be planned out. I guess if I can't hold on to at least a little hope, than what is the point. A question I've been asking myself a lot these days.

We Didn't Start the Fire

No we didn't light it, but we're tryin to fight it.
'We Didn't Start the Fire' - Billy Joel

So the title of this may be slightly misleading, because one of us obviously did start it, but we'll never know for sure who. Many of you are aware of the living situation that I have been forced into, but here is the short version for those that don't. Due to circumstances beyond our control, three of the five people that were moving into the grand house that we'd planned, are now forced to live in the apartment next to where I have been living. This weekend has been spent moving all my belongings approximately 30 feet. I live in the dining room, which has been given privacy due to my ingenious contruction of the grandest box fort ever crafted.

However all of that came inches away from being destroyed. During the course of moving things into the kitchen, the stove got bumped on, albeit to low, but on nonetheless. My microwave was near enough to the one that got turned on that it caught fire. The part that almost made it worse was that, also in the interest of privacy, a bedsheet has been hung on one wall of the dining room, the one that looks into the kitchen, by the stove. Had the flames gotten another six inches toward the dining room, the sheet would have gone up, and from there....well I hate to let my thoughts wander there. Thankfully I have owned a fire extinguisher for quite some time, and it was very accessible as it was one of the few remaining items left in my old place. Aaron quickly grabbed it and extinguished it. So now I can say that thankfully all that happened is that the kitchen, as well as almost all my belongings are coated in fire extinguisher powder. Certainly a better fate than nearly befell us.

Someone Told Me Long Ago, There's a Calm Before the Storm

I know, it's been comin for some time.
When its over, so they say, it'll rain on a sunny day.
I know; shinin down like water.

I wanna know, have you ever seen the rain?
I wanna know, have you ever seen the rain,
Comin down on a sunny day?

'Have You Ever Seen the Rain' - Creedance Clearwater Revival

So as most of you know, we have been searching for a house for quite sometime. We have hit a variety of roadblocks, some from bad luck, some from people's unwillingness to rent to a non-family. However things were starting to look up. We found a place that was nice, and I seemed to have convinced the landlord that we were good people.

Elsewhere, I took some time off work, which allowed me to focus on the aforementioned house search. While I was at it I tried dealing with other problems, with mixed levels of success. It was good to get away from my job for a while as it had been wearing me thin, especially since I haven't had time to actually hang out with people after work.

It seemed like things were headed in the right direction. A house soon, an imminent raise at work, slowly working on getting things back in order. But then it all came crashing down in a heartbeat. I believe I can honestly say that this ranks as one of the single worst days of my entire fucking life. A shame I can't take solace knowing that misery loves, and has plenty of, company.

I have, for once, decided to deal with this in an unhealthy way. Drinking until I can't feel feelings anymore. Or at least doing shots and beers until I'm totally obliterated. I feel its ok because its not to ease the pain, but to make everything around me funnier. I don't know why I felt like justifying it, but there I go.

It has been said that the best laid plans of mice and men often go awry. I stare at the incarnation of that and wonder if I can summon the divine and be forgiveful. I also wonder how to pick up the pieces of that which has been shattered. And do so while remaining silent on so many things that bother me, for the greater good.

It's the Terror of Knowing What This World Is About

Watching some good friends scream, let me out.
'Under Pressure' - David Bowie and Queen

I agree with what many people have said, that it is best to call things as you see them, to give the complete truth as best as any person can. But on the other hand, one has to wonder what battles are worth fighting. I almost started one such battle last night, but realized that no good could come of it and I walked away. In fact I had to do it twice in rapid succession, though that second one I threw out a bit of a warning shot. And the third battle that probably is worth fighting is, unless something happened at the time it was being fought, would be illegal. It's great realizing how much of it is completely futile. I will take solace knowing that people saw things in much the same light that I did.

It's a shame that the weekend ended on such a stupid note. However in spite of that it was good times all around. Good retirement party for Grandpa Win, good random BBQ Sunday evening, good music Saturday morning (and Sunday as I watched stuff I missed).

Though back briefly to the point of fighting battles. Life would be much easier for everyone if they would just listen to me. I believe I mentioned once that I instructed a man to take care of someone very dear to me and he failed. The width and breadth of his failure has became clearer to me today. The last time someone threatened those I care about to the degree that this person has, my intervention was swift. I sincerely hope to avoid such a scenario again. As my self-proclaimed trainer has said, it is my moral imperative to fight injustice wherever it may rear its ugly head. Oh how very right he is.

Oh Baby, Baby, It's A Wild World

You say you want to start, something new.
'Wild World' - Originally by Cat Stevens, as performed by James Blunt on July 7th, 2007 at Wembley Stadium, London, United Kingdom

Live Earth, a series of concert around the world, calling for people to come together and help stop our planet's climate crisis. I'm not going to go off on a diatribe right now about global warming or corporate responsibility or politics. What I am going to say is that whether or not you agree with the information out there on the topic, the steps that are being called for are a benefit to you. Buy energy efficient Compact Flourescent or LED bulbs and shut off lights and electronics when they're not in use. Saves money on your power bill, which is always a good thing. Plant a tree, car pool or take public transit on occasion, there are many things that you can do that are both good for you and good for humanity. And on top of all of that, the music is damned good.

So I Walk Up On High, And I Step to the Edge, To See My World Below

And I laugh at myself, as the years roll down, cause its the world I know.
'The World I Know' - Collective Soul

There is a part of me that I have always been drawn toward studying, toward understanding. A part of me so fundamentally different from everyone else that it alters the way that I percieve reality. It took me many years to understand that this wasn't normal. It took me many more years to understand just how dangerous it could be. It took much longer to realize that it is an amazing ability, but with it there is a price. It is this part of me that seemed to be relevant repeatedly the past week.

The one that surprised me the most was on the weekend excursion to Longview that Steve and I took. The reason was two-fold...Steve's brother Thomas' graduation, and Father's Day. So the part of the trip outside the norm was that which was spent at Longview Memorial Stadium. As it was said so well there, "If you've seen one graduation, you've seen them all." While that is certainly true for the most part, I did find it moderately interesting to be at a ceremony for my own high school. With that in mind, it was ineveitable that I would find old teachers. Now generally when I meet up with old teachers, the recognition is immediate, the conversation long, and the memories nearly overwhelming. However I was stunned at the blank stares. Now in their defense, when you don't expect something, it is easy to miss. I once had an uncle whom I see only on occasion come into my work and I didn't even recognize him. So it happens...but still, I was surprised.

As for the other situation, it revolves around the events that I've mentioned in recent posts. I was having a serious discussion about my motivations, what led me to them, and why I have said all along that two people convinced me in what the right course of action was. Well, it was disturbing to find that one of them had no freaking clue what I was talking about. Couldn't remember a damned thing about what started it all. One worries about the advice they heed when the information that led to it was obviously of such little importance.

The common thread here, in case it wasn't obvious, is memory. While people pass the time, forgetting moments of little importance, giving not a second thought to the comings and goings of the day; I remain, an observer and archivist if you will of what has gone. This is one of the reasons it amuses me that I so enjoy photography. I don't have to take any of these pictures, for they exist in my mind. Now this isn't to say that I remember everything, as that is not the nature of the gift. What it does mean is that I remember most things, that I can recall many of them quickly, and that those I do recall are more than just impressions, emotions, and fragments of history, they are a complete replay of an event. I don't know entirely why I felt the need to talk about this, as its generally something I don't bring up. But I suppose I've had so many comments lately in the vein of "how the hell do you know that/remember that/what are talking about" that I wanted to explain a little. If this piqued your interest, perhaps you should read this Wikipedia Article Think that covers it for now...hope you enjoyed our little trip, see you next time.

I Fell In To a Burning Ring of Fire

Went down, down, down, and the flames went higher,
And it burns, burns, burns, that ring of fire, that ring of fire.

'Ring of Fire' - Johnny Cash (but I'm listening to the Social Distortion one)

WHY IS IT A MILLION DEGREES IN MY ROOM. It is 56 outside....it is like the god-damned sun in here. (At this point you should note the time I wrote this....this makes no sense). Well I didn't want to sleep anyway did I. On the plus side I'm getting some packing done. On the down side I'm not moving for 6-8 weeks. It is possible that I'm planning this one just a bit too far ahead :P.

I'm going out somewhere, sometime, between now and the end of the weekend. Drinking and debauchery need to ensue. It'll be like Monday night but without all the stupid shit. With the exception of a quick trip back to Longview (in the area of 18 hours), I should be free. Time to play with some of that advice I got...Who's gonna join me?

I Get By With A Little Help From My Friends

Mmm I get high with a little help from my friends,
Oh I'm gonna try with a little help from my friens.

'With a Little Help from My Friends' - The Beatles


Ok, first off....I'm fine. Last night was the result of, well who the hell knows, but I'm fine now. As has happened many times before, I went to work, and as the title states, got by with a little help from my friends. I think some venting was all I needed, and perhaps a little perspective. I recieved both, and from those that didn't know the story, still got at the very minimum them doing what they could to make me smile. It is those moments that remind me why I won't go to Bellevue. And Mr. Stalker, I owe you a drink, maybe a couple if it all works. Even if you were only partly right, the point was well taken. If you were completely right, well then this is gonna be fun.

So as I said, past three weeks have been amazing. If you plan on reading this all, I recommend grabbing a drink, perhaps stretch a bit so you aren't as stiff when you stand up at a much later time.

Like true Americans, Aaron, Brian and I wanted to do something special for Memorial Day. What better way to show our patriotism than a trip to Canada. Wait...that makes no sense...which is good because neither did any of the planning that went into this. We headed up Friday evening with absolutely no idea what we were doing. We had one birth certificate (mine) between the three of us, one out of state driver's license (Aaron's), and no hotel reservations. As we found out upon reaching the border, customs was not amused. After being questioned by a Canadian border patrol officer, she allowed us through and told us not to pull a stunt like this again without a bit more planning or identification. So with that out of the way, we continued northward.

We reached Vancouver fairly quickly, but found ourselves in one of the more seedy parts of the city, made obvious by the fact that the first hotel we saw had a big flashing sign saying "Girls, Girls, Girls." So we debated the positives and negatives of the place (positives = well....girls, obviously, negatives = probably getting knived before, during, and/or after). This debate lasted approximately 3/4 of a second, so we continued on. Next place looked more reputable but had no rooms. Next place was downtown....four stars, and way the hell more money than we were prepared to spend. Hell, when we finally found a room it still ran us CDN$250 (which is like US$12,000.....stupid metric dollars). Also of note was the residential house across the street. Odd place for a house, in the middle of downtown....more odd is that it looked like the house from Fight Club...also odd was the massive party going on there. Passed on party, chose sleep instead.

Saturday took us to Granville Island (public market and a brewery), EAT! Vancouver (giant food and drink festival) at BC Arena, Earl's (best restaurant ever, but mostly due to the...scenery), an attempt at night clubs (failed miserably), and the Richmond Night Market. Specifics of note...Aaron judged an international Chili championship event, and we discovered some amazing alcohol at EAT!...found Canada's version of Rockstar 21, which is vastly superior...spent 1/2 hr searching for night market, which is apparently hidden.

Sunday's most important event was going to a pub downtown called the Irish Heather. Absofuckinglutely amazing. Perhaps the best corned beef and cabbage I've ever had, along with some good pints and an amazing atmosphere. We stayed there two hours and didn't realize it. Stopped off at duty-free store on the way back, but was horribly disappointed. Then came the grand attempt at reentering the country. Now I should probably mention here that there is a strange piece of trivia about me. EVERY time I've left the country, the people accompanying me only been allowed into the country due to the benevolence of the officers interrogating us, generally after some sort of egregious rule violation. However I've never come so close to not being able to come home. We obviously ran into the same problem as going in, two people's lack of 2nd ID. I can sum up the confrontation in one quote, stated by the burly immigrations guy..."How are you going to satisfy me." Well, we made it home, thankfully.

The following weekend found Bret, Josh, and I going to see Senator Barack Obama (D-Illinois) speak at the Qwest Field Event Center, or whatever its called. Damned amazing speaker, and definitely stands a helluva shot...should be a fun race. Afterward we stopped as F.X. McRory's for some beers, then to Dante's for more beers with Kevin, Travis, Adam, Tavis, and another guy whose name eludes me. Much debate, much yelling, and much, much, drinking. Also the horrifying lesson that Tavis can't read, which cost me more money than I'd have liked. Also inadvertantely made plans for the next day after having a text messaging war with Tavis, Adam and I on one side, and Alex on the other. So the next day Matt, Alex and I had lunch, walked Greenlake, and just hung out. Also built Gir's new desktop. Then this past weekend was running errands with Gir, re-building Steve's computer, and hanging out with Alex Saturday (lunch, and then dinner and 'Knocked Up' with Caleb, Adam, and Ross). Found out that mixing drinks while sitting in a theater is awesome. Then Sunday was Alex's 21st B-Day party/Danielle's Graduation party. Pickleball, Basketball, Corona's and Margeritas...pretty much sums up the day (that and being able to use the phrase "Alex' Mom got us liquored up).

So no matter how bad I made things out to be last night...that was temporary, because damn, the past three weeks have been so much fun.

Well I've Never Prayed But Tonight I'm On My Knees Yeah

I need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me yeah.
'Bittersweet Symphony' - The Verve

I suppose I'll have to come back and write about the past three weekends, because you know what, they've been fantastic. Unfortunately I followed it up with, well I can't begin to understand the place I'm in now...

You know its funny, I could end so much of it right now. All I have to do I think is say the word and I have a new store. An exit from the madness. But wouldn't that be just running away from my problems. God knows they've followed me this far, what makes me think that an extra little change in location will alter anything.

But what exactly is the problem. I've written about my thoughts on this before, and god knows I've had many thoughts on the topic, but I'm nowhere closer to an answer. What I can say is that try as I might, nothing those close to me have said or done could have truly changed anything. I apologize for holding any of you even slightly responsible. I could have just ignored everything that was said, but I CHOSE not to. And I apologize to the one that triggered all of this, because if its been as obvious as people have implied, than I have committed a terrible wrong. But I'm done. For the sake of my sanity I can do nothing less.

There are so many thoughts going through my head right now, but none of them help me in even the slightest way. So now I attempt to sleep, retreating to that place I have mentioned before, the prison that is my mind. In the darkest corners therein I hear the drums of another battle and a scream inspired by the Bard, "Cry havoc, and let slip the dogs of war." Somehow when the battle is done, I just hope I go back to where I was on March 16th, 2007.


--Edit
There is another quote, similarly inspired as the one used in my previous blog (this is dialogue, so one speaker will be in bold, the other not):

I think there comes a time when a man has to ask himself if he wants a life of happiness or a life of meaning.
I'd like to have both
Can't be done, two very different paths. I'm mean, to be truly happy, a man must live absolutely in the present. No thought of what's gone before and no thought of what lies ahead. A life of meaning, a man is condemned to wallow in the past and obsess about the future.

There's Somethin Happenin Here, and What It Is Ain't Exactly Clear

'For What It's Worth' - Buffalo Springfield

I can't say that the following has any specific meaning toward current events, it is simply a quote that has stuck with me since hearing it. You may recognize it, you may not. If you do recognize it, you can't tell me that it wasn't perfect, for both what it specifically referring to and for many other things as well. For real current events, I will write soon about the Canada trip...good times had by all.

"Where does it come from, this quest? This need to solve life's mysteries when the simplest questions can never be answered. Why are we here? What is the soul? Why do we dream? Perhaps we'd be better off not looking at all. Not delving, not yearning. That's not human nature, not the human heart. That is not why we are here. Yet still we struggle to make a difference, to change the world, to dream of hope, never knowing for certain who we will meet along the way. Who among the world of strangers will hold our hand, touch our hearts, and share the pain of trying?"

"We dream of hope, we dream of change, of fire, of love, of death. And then it happens, the dream becomes real. And the answer to this quest, this need to solve life's mysteries finally shows itself, like the glowing light of the new dawn. So much struggle for meaning, for purpose, but in the end, we find it only in each other. Our shared experience of the fantastic....and the mundane. The simple human need to find a kindred, to connect, and to know in our heart that we are not alone."

I Say the Comedy, Is That It's Serious

Which is a strange enough new play on words.
'The Remedy' - Jason Mraz

I have to say, been a damn good weekend. Nothin terribly exciting, just good times all around. However a thought continues to fester. I have had an ongoing debate with a few friends regarding the nature of relationships. I still hold fast that I have been right all along, the ramifications of which honestly don't bother me. But will the debate go too far. At what point does one of us say the wrong thing at the wrong time, at which point my guilt will look incontrovertible. But I suppose with everything I just overanalyze. I just have to hope that people remember my actual intentions, or lack thereof. On the plus side I know that these few friends say the things they do out of a considerable sense of loyalty and caring and for that I am grateful, and I'm glad I had the chance to tell one of them that the other night.

Though back to the good stuff, damn Friday was a good time, definitely needed that. Took my mind off stuff for the most part. Shame that its back to the grind tomorrow, but then again maybe there will be good news at work too, who knows. Also finally looking at getting a house. Should be five of us living there, gonna be pretty damn awesome. Might take a couple months to get things squared away due to the variety of leases we are under, but one way or another it is imminent. Got a lot to look forward too...good times ahead. Feels nice saying that for once.

While Everyone's Lost, the Battle is Won, With All These Things That I've Done

'All These Things That I Have Done' - The Killers

Well, the guilt trip I put myself on was totally unexpected. But then again I had originally planned out things slightly different. One event was going to roll seamlessly into the next, and the day was going to be pretty much fantastic. However I managed to botch that so thoroughly that now I am left to wonder what the hell I was thinking. But then I know exactly what I was thinking don't I? But I suppose what I did was necessary to put my mind at ease on the topic at hand. With that out of the way I can move on and hope that I didn't screw up something else in the process. I can also realize that to answer my question from yesterday's blog, the nature of my insanity was the former of the three, much as I had expected. Now I wait and see whether or not the price of that knowledge was more than I was prepared to pay. I could of course just be overreacting as to what the consequences may be, but then again it is rare that my actions put me in the position of looking like a complete dick.

So to the person that I screwed today, you have my sincerest apologies...they may not be necessary because you may not have thought it was a big deal, but I really had been looking forward to it. I hope you take solace knowing that I found some answers in the process.

And to the two that "planted the seed of possibility," and I know at least one of the two of you will read this.....I'm fine now, I just needed to put things back into perspective, and it was the perspective that I had held before. Pessimism and personal demons win again.

Then It Comes To Be That the Soothing Light

at the End of your tunnel
Is just a freight train comin your way.

'No Leaf Clover' - Metallica

So I started this with a discourse about how a single word or phrase could fundamentally alter ones perception of their reality. However it strikes me that it didn't adequately portray my point, so here I start again. Maybe it is this constant rewriting that keeps me from posting these more than every, oh three months or so...

It is said that hope springs eternal. I don't know if that is true, but I can say with certainty that it will spring from the most random of places and for no rational reason. I had a discussion with some friends about the goings on in my life as of late, and was being pushed toward a single conclusion. Now as my inner demons play an epic tug-of-war, I'm forced to ask myself, am I insane for thinking that they are on to something, am I insane for letting the conversation get to me, or am I insane and they were right on everything and I just can't see it? Obviously at this point I have conceeded that the sanity isn't so much here regardless of the outcome, but this should not come as a surprise for anyone. All things considered this isn't that big of a deal, but it is the type of thing that gets the mind running a marathon.

As for all the other things I should have written about by now....oy vay. Why I don't do this more to just vent about the random things rather than waiting until something forces me to write, I don't know.

Saturday was a fairly nice day...not terribly sunny, but warm, and with an occasional light rain. Ever since I have been filled with anticipation for the coming of Spring. For some reason it strikes me as a major event for the year. Maybe its the variety of things that are more suited for temperate weather that I can now do with reckless abandon, maybe its just a way to mark the passage of time, who knows.

I also have finally had one of those moments where I was totally addicted to this damn site. It's funny how the smallest thing can trigger an upswell of interest in ones page. Was amusing to have new messages almost faster than I could refresh. Who knew all it required was one minor change to my profile...

There is only one thing about my job that I truly like, as I've mentioned many an occasion, the people. I like how every so often you will randomly get closer with someone than you expected. I love how on even rarer occasions you will find many of those kind all at once.

And now my mind suddenly is randomly going through topics. Rollercoaster time.....I upgraded my computer to Vista and really like it......having to use a steam cleaner on the same two spots over 20 times blows.......where in the hell is Marysville at?.....Josh and Tavis, are you two out of your god damn minds?........think I'm going to go back to playing tennis every week as soon as the weather is nicer......holy crap, this is going to degrade into word association soon, perhaps I should stop.