And I don't really care, which side wins,
Long as the room keeps singing, that's just the business I'm in.
This ain't a scene, its a god damn arms race...
'This Ain't a Scene, It's an Arms Race' - Fall Out Boy
Like sands through the hourglass, so are the days of our lives. Those observing have said this is like a soap opera, and they would be pretty much right. Just when one thinks we're almost there, almost done with this absurdity, something else goes horribly amiss. Now that's not to say there wasn't progress made. I know I have removed a burden off my shoulders, and judging by the reaction, can say that the burden wasn't passed, so all is well on that front. Beyond that I make no guarantees.
For the most part, yesterday was exactly what I needed. Pretty much a good day from start to almost finish. Other than that little annoyance throughout that started during the evening, stuff for me was ok. I did find it somewhat telling though that the only way that little annoyance was controlled was by providing comfort for another affliction. That time was also probably the most relaxed I've been in longer than I can immediately remember...it is the simple pleasures isn't it? Hopefully only a couple more days of that and I can ignore it for a while. But anyway, mostly good.
So right now only one question remains forefront in my thoughts. On this sprawling battlefield, with fights being waged across multiple fronts, which direction will I head now. This is a civil war, which historically pit friends against friends and brothers against brothers. This has been and will be no different.
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
I'm Dreaming Dreams, I'm Scheming Schemes, I'm Building Castles High
They're born anew, their days are few, just like a sweet butterfly.
And as the daylight is dawning, they come again in the morning!
I'm forever blowing bubbles, pretty bubbles in the air,
They fly so high, nearly reach the sky, then like my dreams they fade and die.
Fortune's always hiding, I've looked everwhere,
I'm forever blowing bubbles, pretty bubbles in the air.
'I'm Forever Blowing Bubbles' - Jaan Kenbrovin
This was not the song I was looking for when I spoke of it earlier. However after much searching, I've realized that apparently the song that has always stuck in my head was apparently not using the right lyrics, and the real ones make no sense, lol. Above is the one that came in a close second.
I for one have thoroughly enjoyed the bubble analogy thus far. It is both so fitting, and lends itself well to the hilarity currently going on. Perhaps the last blog was funny when taken as part of this whole thing, despite what we thought the next day. Indeed this has become a 'Comedy of Errors' to say the least, though perhaps without the identical twins. A bit of me is surprised at how many ways we have all screwed up, however that is overwhelmed by the amazement at how well we have dealt with it. I don't know how much more one can say on that topic...yet.
As an aside to all of that, I've come to yet another realization. I have sat with a President, debated with members of Congress, talked with authority on topics ranging from sports, to music, to quantum physics, with the people who make livings at the top of those fields. In all those times I have never once felt outmatched, out of place, or even in awe of those I was speaking with. I have always felt that people are inherently the same, they just gain fame, wealth, or power by doing the things that others can't or won't. My point here is that I generally feel comfortable speaking with anyone about anything. So the realization from this is that despite all these things, it is strange that there are certain things, that when I want to say them, I simply can't. The situations are rare, the topics few and far between, but there they are, looking at me with disdain for the fear that I show. Yet even with this knowledge, I second-guess myself, but I'm almost done doing that. I recently told someone that I admired their ability to do that which I failed so brilliantly at. Though my view on the topic is a bit different than the rest of you, I think its time I threw my two cents in far better than I have so far.
I've also realized that I have become far to subtle in my dealings with people. The cloak and dagger approach to things only works so well and for so long. Time for a bit more bluntness here and there. Although its funny, for all the crap I've been given about what I said here meaning this and what I did there meaning that, and that I've been overt and obvious, even when there was no reason to be....well, I don't know....screw it, I'm out of all that energy I had as I left work, I think I'm taking a nap.
And as the daylight is dawning, they come again in the morning!
I'm forever blowing bubbles, pretty bubbles in the air,
They fly so high, nearly reach the sky, then like my dreams they fade and die.
Fortune's always hiding, I've looked everwhere,
I'm forever blowing bubbles, pretty bubbles in the air.
'I'm Forever Blowing Bubbles' - Jaan Kenbrovin
This was not the song I was looking for when I spoke of it earlier. However after much searching, I've realized that apparently the song that has always stuck in my head was apparently not using the right lyrics, and the real ones make no sense, lol. Above is the one that came in a close second.
I for one have thoroughly enjoyed the bubble analogy thus far. It is both so fitting, and lends itself well to the hilarity currently going on. Perhaps the last blog was funny when taken as part of this whole thing, despite what we thought the next day. Indeed this has become a 'Comedy of Errors' to say the least, though perhaps without the identical twins. A bit of me is surprised at how many ways we have all screwed up, however that is overwhelmed by the amazement at how well we have dealt with it. I don't know how much more one can say on that topic...yet.
As an aside to all of that, I've come to yet another realization. I have sat with a President, debated with members of Congress, talked with authority on topics ranging from sports, to music, to quantum physics, with the people who make livings at the top of those fields. In all those times I have never once felt outmatched, out of place, or even in awe of those I was speaking with. I have always felt that people are inherently the same, they just gain fame, wealth, or power by doing the things that others can't or won't. My point here is that I generally feel comfortable speaking with anyone about anything. So the realization from this is that despite all these things, it is strange that there are certain things, that when I want to say them, I simply can't. The situations are rare, the topics few and far between, but there they are, looking at me with disdain for the fear that I show. Yet even with this knowledge, I second-guess myself, but I'm almost done doing that. I recently told someone that I admired their ability to do that which I failed so brilliantly at. Though my view on the topic is a bit different than the rest of you, I think its time I threw my two cents in far better than I have so far.
I've also realized that I have become far to subtle in my dealings with people. The cloak and dagger approach to things only works so well and for so long. Time for a bit more bluntness here and there. Although its funny, for all the crap I've been given about what I said here meaning this and what I did there meaning that, and that I've been overt and obvious, even when there was no reason to be....well, I don't know....screw it, I'm out of all that energy I had as I left work, I think I'm taking a nap.
Sunday, October 21, 2007
Through These Fields of Destruction, Baptisms of Fire
I've watched all your suffering, as the battles raged higher.
And though they did hurt me so bad,
In the fear and alarm,
You did not desert me,
My brothers in arms.
'Brothers in Arms' - Dire Straits
The great karmic bitchslap. That is what this has turned into. I said when everything started that somehow it was all going to come back and bite me in the ass. And did it ever. Through a mostly predictable series of events, I am now reliving last spring's problems, but through the eyes of the people around me. Not only that, but while I had mostly gotten over it (as much as one can...and to think that fact turned into proper advice...), it was still distressing to more or less get the answer I, for better or worse, did not want.
On the one hand I'm fine with it. I'm happy to be there and to do what I can. However it is so strange that everything I'm saying is basically everything I had to tell myself. The difference this time is that there was actually something tangible happening, whereas mine was the fool's errand of myself and those around me. While that changes the nature of the advice to some degree, it also makes it that much harder to figure out what advice that should be. I can speak to failure, I can speak to the how-to's of moving on. I can't speak to the what-ifs and what could have been's, because I don't know how those actually end.
And this brings me back to something I've been thinking about a lot lately. I'm starting to wonder if the thing I want the most isn't also the thing that I need the least. As much as I've been torn up, both by the current goings-on and those before, I wonder if it is truly worth it. Problem is I've tried the other side, doing nothing. That went equally has poorly. At what point do I at least figure out where the real problem lies. I've always told myself that the problem lay in the obvious reasons, the ones that everyone can see. Those are the ones that I can work hard to fix, I just haven't tried as hard as I should. If the problem is something else, something not so easy to see, well than it stems out of the things in which I take the greatest pride, and means that I truly don't know what to do.
In the better parts of life, I got to spend the weekend with family. While it was not terribly exciting (I'm sorry, I just can't sit around watching movies for that many hours), it was still good to have five of my kids around, all of which I'd missed terribly. Words cannot describe the joy that they all bring me, even when they are little whores (that's right Jessica, I said it).
Think that'll have to do for now. Gotta take care of dinner so I can't keep droning on and on. Should be an interesting week coming up. I'll be back into the normal swing of things at work, and while doing so I'll be trying to fix everything I wrote about today. My job is an exercise in futility, why shouldn't everything else?
And though they did hurt me so bad,
In the fear and alarm,
You did not desert me,
My brothers in arms.
'Brothers in Arms' - Dire Straits
The great karmic bitchslap. That is what this has turned into. I said when everything started that somehow it was all going to come back and bite me in the ass. And did it ever. Through a mostly predictable series of events, I am now reliving last spring's problems, but through the eyes of the people around me. Not only that, but while I had mostly gotten over it (as much as one can...and to think that fact turned into proper advice...), it was still distressing to more or less get the answer I, for better or worse, did not want.
On the one hand I'm fine with it. I'm happy to be there and to do what I can. However it is so strange that everything I'm saying is basically everything I had to tell myself. The difference this time is that there was actually something tangible happening, whereas mine was the fool's errand of myself and those around me. While that changes the nature of the advice to some degree, it also makes it that much harder to figure out what advice that should be. I can speak to failure, I can speak to the how-to's of moving on. I can't speak to the what-ifs and what could have been's, because I don't know how those actually end.
And this brings me back to something I've been thinking about a lot lately. I'm starting to wonder if the thing I want the most isn't also the thing that I need the least. As much as I've been torn up, both by the current goings-on and those before, I wonder if it is truly worth it. Problem is I've tried the other side, doing nothing. That went equally has poorly. At what point do I at least figure out where the real problem lies. I've always told myself that the problem lay in the obvious reasons, the ones that everyone can see. Those are the ones that I can work hard to fix, I just haven't tried as hard as I should. If the problem is something else, something not so easy to see, well than it stems out of the things in which I take the greatest pride, and means that I truly don't know what to do.
In the better parts of life, I got to spend the weekend with family. While it was not terribly exciting (I'm sorry, I just can't sit around watching movies for that many hours), it was still good to have five of my kids around, all of which I'd missed terribly. Words cannot describe the joy that they all bring me, even when they are little whores (that's right Jessica, I said it).
Think that'll have to do for now. Gotta take care of dinner so I can't keep droning on and on. Should be an interesting week coming up. I'll be back into the normal swing of things at work, and while doing so I'll be trying to fix everything I wrote about today. My job is an exercise in futility, why shouldn't everything else?
Monday, October 15, 2007
A Movie, Still Photograph, Through a Martyr's Eyes Can I See
I've seen the best of love, the best of hate, the best reward is earned.
And I've paid for every single world I ever said.
'Chase This Light' - Jimmy Eat World
I hate Myspace. I had this written out last night, and it completely deleted it. Booooo poorly designed text input programs. So enjoy, as I bring to you with twice the effort of other blogs, and only half the calories.
Statistics for the week
108,000 items counted in one night.
$3.5 Million total value of said items.
160 hours worked in three weeks.
6 miles walked the night after the counting was done.
The long hours, the complete exhaustion, the sheer effort and force of will all came to a head on the 7th. As much as I managed to drive myself into the ground, it did feel like a worthwhile accomplishment. It didn't go quite as smoothly as we hoped, but perhaps about as much as we expected. Not surprisingly, I was the first one there and the last one out, a span of about 16 hours. But damn did it feel good when it was over.
Now I should probably insert a little side note here. My car has been broken for about a week and a half. I came to the conclusion that driving to and from work without functioning brakes would likely end in my demise. And by god I'm not dying until I spend the paycheck that equaled about 130 hours of time. So fortunately Aaron, in yet another act of kindness, let me carpool with him. On this particular day though, I didn't get out of the store until after he would normally leave for work. Out of pure luck, I pulled up to our street exactly as he was walking by to catch a bus. Instead I picked him up, dropped him off downtown, came back home, and went to sleep. I woke up in time to go pick him up from work. Now since he was headed back home and I was going to Northgate, I said I'd just hop on a bus.
This is where the day got interesting.
It was a nice day, so I thought I'd just walk for a while before getting to a bus stop. So after going for roughly two miles, I decided to catch a bus to just long enough to get me into the U-District. After doing so, I got back off, and proceeded to walk to Tavis and Hetty's. This was roughly four more miles. So after working 16 hours and sleeping five, I decided it was a good idea to walk this long distance. Amazingly I didn't feel tired at all, which was a pleasant surprise. After playing Halo 3 with Tavis for a while, Alex and I met up with Sabrina and Andrew at Dante's. Surprisingly low turnout, but made fun by the group of folk from Liverpool that were absolutely hilarious.
Now during the course of my walk, my mind obviously raced through many topics. Not surprisingly, one of them was the guilt that I covered in my last blog. As the night neared an end, I cleared up that last bit of truth that needed to be said, and felt much better about things after doing so. Now I don't think it hurt that I dropped what I believe was a pretty good compliment before doing so (you gotta give me credit for that), but it was the most appropriate lead-in for what I had needed to say. And by the way, bravo to you on the total poker face. I neither needed nor wanted a reaction one way or another, but expected one would come regardless. I was wrong, and that was pleasantly surprising.
The rest of the week was pretty good too. Thursday especially, as I stopped by Gabriel, Dan and Matt's (as I hadn't visited since the accident) and hung out for a couple hours. After that I headed with Alex, Danielle, and Shaun to the Jimmy Eat World concert, which was absolutely amazing. For pics, see there profiles, as they pretty much took them all. I do have to ask though, why is there always one person (or more) that has to take an agressive stance toward those around them in the crowd. Both Shaun and I had moments that could have escalated considerably, but fortunately didn't. But whatever, nothing could ruin the fun that day provided. On top of that I got to sleep in as I decided to go into work late. Making my own schedule lately has to have been one of the few perks of this job that kept me sane. And as an added bonus, the couch was quite comfortable, which is so unusual.
And finally, a weekend with sleep. I cannot express how happy this made me. I finally feel rested. I finally feel like I'm not going to fall over and slip into a coma at any moment. I was able to go back to work happy, full of life, and ready to get a raise and a vacation.
And I've paid for every single world I ever said.
'Chase This Light' - Jimmy Eat World
I hate Myspace. I had this written out last night, and it completely deleted it. Booooo poorly designed text input programs. So enjoy, as I bring to you with twice the effort of other blogs, and only half the calories.
Statistics for the week
108,000 items counted in one night.
$3.5 Million total value of said items.
160 hours worked in three weeks.
6 miles walked the night after the counting was done.
The long hours, the complete exhaustion, the sheer effort and force of will all came to a head on the 7th. As much as I managed to drive myself into the ground, it did feel like a worthwhile accomplishment. It didn't go quite as smoothly as we hoped, but perhaps about as much as we expected. Not surprisingly, I was the first one there and the last one out, a span of about 16 hours. But damn did it feel good when it was over.
Now I should probably insert a little side note here. My car has been broken for about a week and a half. I came to the conclusion that driving to and from work without functioning brakes would likely end in my demise. And by god I'm not dying until I spend the paycheck that equaled about 130 hours of time. So fortunately Aaron, in yet another act of kindness, let me carpool with him. On this particular day though, I didn't get out of the store until after he would normally leave for work. Out of pure luck, I pulled up to our street exactly as he was walking by to catch a bus. Instead I picked him up, dropped him off downtown, came back home, and went to sleep. I woke up in time to go pick him up from work. Now since he was headed back home and I was going to Northgate, I said I'd just hop on a bus.
This is where the day got interesting.
It was a nice day, so I thought I'd just walk for a while before getting to a bus stop. So after going for roughly two miles, I decided to catch a bus to just long enough to get me into the U-District. After doing so, I got back off, and proceeded to walk to Tavis and Hetty's. This was roughly four more miles. So after working 16 hours and sleeping five, I decided it was a good idea to walk this long distance. Amazingly I didn't feel tired at all, which was a pleasant surprise. After playing Halo 3 with Tavis for a while, Alex and I met up with Sabrina and Andrew at Dante's. Surprisingly low turnout, but made fun by the group of folk from Liverpool that were absolutely hilarious.
Now during the course of my walk, my mind obviously raced through many topics. Not surprisingly, one of them was the guilt that I covered in my last blog. As the night neared an end, I cleared up that last bit of truth that needed to be said, and felt much better about things after doing so. Now I don't think it hurt that I dropped what I believe was a pretty good compliment before doing so (you gotta give me credit for that), but it was the most appropriate lead-in for what I had needed to say. And by the way, bravo to you on the total poker face. I neither needed nor wanted a reaction one way or another, but expected one would come regardless. I was wrong, and that was pleasantly surprising.
The rest of the week was pretty good too. Thursday especially, as I stopped by Gabriel, Dan and Matt's (as I hadn't visited since the accident) and hung out for a couple hours. After that I headed with Alex, Danielle, and Shaun to the Jimmy Eat World concert, which was absolutely amazing. For pics, see there profiles, as they pretty much took them all. I do have to ask though, why is there always one person (or more) that has to take an agressive stance toward those around them in the crowd. Both Shaun and I had moments that could have escalated considerably, but fortunately didn't. But whatever, nothing could ruin the fun that day provided. On top of that I got to sleep in as I decided to go into work late. Making my own schedule lately has to have been one of the few perks of this job that kept me sane. And as an added bonus, the couch was quite comfortable, which is so unusual.
And finally, a weekend with sleep. I cannot express how happy this made me. I finally feel rested. I finally feel like I'm not going to fall over and slip into a coma at any moment. I was able to go back to work happy, full of life, and ready to get a raise and a vacation.
Sunday, October 7, 2007
I Had to Close Down Everything, I Had to Close Down My Mind
To many things to cover me, to much can make me blind.
I've seen so much in so many places, so many heartaches, so many faces.
So many dirty things, you wouldn't even believe.
'Extreme Ways' - Moby
The week is over, but the day is yet to come. That is tomorrow. I hope everything I've done the past two months pays off. It's sad that I've spent more time at work than I have at home since last Sunday. At least the paycheck with the first week having 50 hours, and the 2nd week having 62 hours will be nice. Whether or not its been worth the constant headaches is up for some argument.
As horrifyingly bad as the week turned out to be at work, I have to say the whole thing ended on a positive note. Finally got to air out a few things that were on my mind, while getting to finally hear the things on everyone elses. Couple last bits to deal with on the topic but its mostly good. It is kinda funny, the part I left out proceeded come up in my dreams when I slept this afternoon. Obviously the subconscience says I can leave nothing out. My regular conscience said the same thing so I'll deal with that tomorrow. At least that godforsaken chapter of things can be closed. It's a shame that I still can't say what the next move will be. I'd like to think that whatever it is, it will end better than the rest have. I know what I want, it's just a matter of figuring out who and where I can get it from.
I've seen so much in so many places, so many heartaches, so many faces.
So many dirty things, you wouldn't even believe.
'Extreme Ways' - Moby
The week is over, but the day is yet to come. That is tomorrow. I hope everything I've done the past two months pays off. It's sad that I've spent more time at work than I have at home since last Sunday. At least the paycheck with the first week having 50 hours, and the 2nd week having 62 hours will be nice. Whether or not its been worth the constant headaches is up for some argument.
As horrifyingly bad as the week turned out to be at work, I have to say the whole thing ended on a positive note. Finally got to air out a few things that were on my mind, while getting to finally hear the things on everyone elses. Couple last bits to deal with on the topic but its mostly good. It is kinda funny, the part I left out proceeded come up in my dreams when I slept this afternoon. Obviously the subconscience says I can leave nothing out. My regular conscience said the same thing so I'll deal with that tomorrow. At least that godforsaken chapter of things can be closed. It's a shame that I still can't say what the next move will be. I'd like to think that whatever it is, it will end better than the rest have. I know what I want, it's just a matter of figuring out who and where I can get it from.
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