Somebody’s Gonna Hurt Somebody Before the Night is Through

Somebody's gonna come undone, there's nothing we can do.
Everybody wants to touch somebody, if it takes all night.
Everybody wants to take a little chance, make it come out right.
There's gonna be a heartache tonight, a heartache tonight, I know.
There's gonna be a heartache tonight, I know, Lord, I know.

'Heartache Tonight' - The Eagles

Well, if the answer isn't blatantly obvious, then please stop reading and bludgeon yourself with something nearby. It'd be nice if everyone that is going to ask questions would just read this, have their answer, and let it die, but that will not be the case. I expect to come into work tomorrow and be bombarded with the same questions I have been for the past three months. At least those of you that hate her can take solace that I'm not about to do something you think is stupid, as though I give a damn what you have to say at this point. One has to wonder, is it self-fulfilling prophecy, my ability to be almost always right (I had doubts for a reason...), or simply what happens when one tries to play a game that they don't understand.

I suppose I can comfort myself knowing that at least I tried in a way I hadn't before. I started this off by straight up asking her out, and I still deny that it is my fault that she didn't get my intentions. Now any lack of sparks after that (though I still don't know if they were wanted or not), well that is my complete inability to know what to do when the time strikes. As for that issue that sprang up that surprised me about the thing that would stop it that I couldn't control? Well that was my age, and in retrospect, that excuse was complete and utter bullshit. No matter, still gonna have to finish the conversation, cause god knows I wasn't through, and I doubt you were either.

Ya know what though, its all ok. I've got three girls that love me unconditionally, and I could use some more time to spend with them. In fact one has somehow learned to type at the ripe old age of one month, as evidenced by her commentary on previous blogs. The other two I haven't seen in far too long (ok, all three of you I haven't seen, but Kyle, you don't work as an appropriate example here :P)

On a side note, the other option for title of this was from 'Come Sail Away' by Styx, because it would be fitting for myself, the Captain of the S.S. Failboat. Yes, that was meant to be self-deprecating, don't feel guilty for laughing.

Edit: Something that I thought of after I was done. I write about the failures that mean something, because they are generally important events in the going-ons of my life. What you don't see or hear, as I generally don't even bring them up, are the smaller failures, the ones involving people I may barely know, the ones we all have in the course of our efforts. Know that my dry streaks in either method are equal in there immensity. My point is, don't for a moment believe that the two people I've written about during the past year are by any means the only ones with whom nothing has happened. They are just the ones that stick with me. You can't assume anything about who or what I'm looking for, or how my approaches tend to be, from those limited examples.

I Don't Know Why You Want to Follow Me Tonight

When the rest of the world, with whom I've crossed and I've quarreled,
Let's me down so, for a thousand reasons that I know.
To share forever the unrest, with all the demons I possess,
Beneath the silver moon.
Maybe you were right, but baby I was lonely.
I don't want to fight, I'm tired of being sorry.
Chandler and Van Nuys, with all the vampires and their brides.
We're all bloodless and blind, and longing for a life,
Beyond the silver moon.

'Tired of Being Sorry' - Ringside
(From the soundtrack that is Best Buy Radio, my first month there)

"Not once has anyone said I'm out of my fucking mind." As it turns out, it is being said, but not to my face. It is being talked about, apparently at length. And now I'm left to figure out who all was prepared to stand against me, but remain silent until the time arrived. I seek this information not to exact punishment, but to explain myself, as apparently I need to do. The people whom I choose to associate with, among other things, are trusted to provide me counsel. Now when and under what circumstances that counsel is to be provided is not negotiable. It can be given all the time. I understand that many may not feel comfortable saying the truth to my face, in an attempt not to hurt me. However wouldn't the consequences of saying nothing be far greater?

Last year, people had less of a problem telling me that what I was doing was only going to end with me getting hurt. In fact I didn't listen to those warnings as much as I should of. So it is only fair that I am surprised now that no one has spoken up. I suppose my biggest defense to people saying that I've headed down the wrong path both times, is that you have never saw what it was that made me go there. Perhaps I am a man of simple pleasures, but I am drawn to things that make me happy, as I would think most of us are. I think back to last year, one day in particular that I wrote about shortly after it happened. There was in that one day, so many different kinds of happiness, that it completely undid the progress I'd made in moving on, and reminded me why I had picked that path. All of that happened in one place, and all of that now exists only in my memory, as I can say with a fair amount of certainty that the other party has long forgotten it. I suppose it is that thought that helped me understand one of the many reasons it would have never worked.

I mention that now because it is from the evidence of things not seen by everyone else (and some things that have been seen I suppose) that I have had my moments of happiness lately. I understand that people disagree with my plans. To be perfectly honest, I've had more than my share of second thoughts lately, and have been pretty damned close to just throwing in the towel. But whenever I have them, they tend to be immediately followed by a moment that reminds me how it started.

So what would you all have me do? I have no illusions as to my ability to please everyone, in fact I have no desire to do so. I feel as though I'm on top of a sharp precipice. If I fall one way, I may lose many, but how much do they really care if they would leave me under those circumstances? If I fall the other way, I lose something that I probably don't even have and may have even been ready to give up to begin with. The third option is to impale myself upon the precipice. That seems like a mighty fine option right now.

My friends, I ask only this of you. Please, please, please, tell me the truth now. How bad has this actually gotten? Is it so bad as to cause you to forsake me, as was said to me tonight? I've lost many people before this, and am sure to lose many in the future. If I am to lose many now, I'd at least like some warning.

P.S. - To those friends that predate my current employer, this is not for you, so calm down.

And I Forget Just What It Takes, And Yet I Guess It Makes Me Smile

I found its hard, its hard to find, oh well, whatever, nevermind.

'Smells Like Teen Spirit' - Nirvana

And offhand remark earlier today from someone I hardly know kind of put me on edge. There are only two reasons that someone outside my normal group of confidants would have reason to comment on my predicament. Either they have witnessed first-hand the way things are going, or it has been a topic of discussion with those who have spoken with me. Now I don't really take issue with the rumor mill at work, as it is mostly irrelevant to me. Despite my cryptic form of writing, I am mostly an open book, I just prefer that people ask if they want specifics, rather than throwing out all the truth in these pages.

However as I consider everything I can't help but wonder something. Given the considerable quantity of people who know, who out there would stop me? Recently my status showed me as "Stinger is wondering how three or four dozen people can be wrong." This stemmed from a random thought I had about all the people (and that number is not an exaggeration) who have commented or questioned me. In all these conversations, not once has anyone said "You are out of your fucking mind." I think the closest to that was Steve, and even he censored his response to some degree, as I learned later.

I don't even know what my point is here. Maybe I'm just questioning everything, as usual. I guess I am just wondering what this has been, and what this shall be. The only piece of slightly hard evidence was a comment passed onto me mere hours before I pulled the trigger again. And yet it is only slightly more solid than all that I have seen with my own eyes. Unfortunately my vision is not so good, both physically and metaphorically. I think I need to get out of the house for a few, maybe clear my head a bit.

Oh yeah, one last note. So while writing this, I was going to reference something I wrote about long ago. While I couldn't find it, it led me to reread some old entries. Doing that reminded me of something, something I don't think enough of you, particularly those who read these often, don't truly appreciate. I am apparently completely insane. One person referred to my entries as 'deep,' which I suppose could be true. Another has referred to me as 'angsty.' Given my vague musings, I suppose that is fitting. Again, I don't know where I'm going with this...bye.

She's Got a Smile That It Seems to Me, Reminds Me of Childhood Memories

Where everything was as fresh as the bright blue sky.
Now and then when I see her face, she takes me away to that special place.
And if I’d stare to long, I’d probably break down and cry.
Ohhhh sweet child o’ mine, ohhhh sweet love of mine.

’Sweet Child O’ Mine’ - Guns N’ Roses

Leota Rose Mortimer
Born: April 1st, 2008 at 10:31 PDT
Weight: 8 pounds, 8 ounces
Length: 21 inches

I can’t even begin to put into words how I feel right now. After all the waiting, the worrying, everything, holding my goddaughter in my arms was something I simply don’t have words for. Hopefully this picture will do the job.