Drive Until You Lose the Road

Or break with the ones you've followed.
He will do one of two things
He'll admit to everything, or he'll just say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came.
'How to Save a Life' - The Fray

A complete lack of sleep, combined with almost total solitude (people around, but none who'd bother me), gave me the opportunity to think about a great many things, to consider the goings on of the past few months and the many events of note therein. I have never claimed to be an infallible person, at least not seriously. Nor have I claimed to always do the right thing. I can safely say that while I generally try to do right by myself and those around me, there are times where things fall into what I can only call a 'morally gray' area. Rarely though am I so certain that what I have done was for the best.

I came out of this day with a clarity that I haven't had in quite a while. An understanding of what has come before, and what shall come after. I do wish I could say that I had learned my lesson the first time, so that history wouldn't have repeated itself. Perhaps having the lesson return will allow me to improve the way I do things.

As I read what I've written, both now and previously, I am again reminded of how vague I almost always am. It does actually pain me that I have to be so secretive, but such are the lives we lead. I would trust many people with the full details of what has gone on, but trust can be an interesting thing. Recently I've had the opportunity to discuss with Gabriel some of the finer points of trust. There is certainly an ebb and flow to it, sometimes purposely, sometimes not. It seems that most of our conclusions support that statement, as do the actions of both myself and many around me. It does make me notice though that I have become far more guarded than I used to be. Perhaps the losses of one too many people close to me have done more damage than I am prepared to admit. I am still very open with people, just only to a certain point. I still can't say whether or not I consider that a wise decision.

There is a quote that I have always been fond of. It comes from a book that I believe is of great philosophical value, even though I disagree with some of its most basic points:

"The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness. For he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers[.]" - Ezekiel 25:17

There is a part of me that is saddened that I haven't done all that I was capable of, in many situations, not just the one that immediately comes to mind. But I don't know what I could have done differently to change anything, or that I even would want to. Because during my moment of clarity, there was a distinct lack of the negative emotions that I would have expected. There was satisfaction with finally having come to an understanding, a sadness at the naivete and cowardice that I had shown on occasion, displeasure at crimes perpetrated against me, and a happiness that I could finally say that for me, the fight was over. Fortunately it is the latter of those that rules the day now.

So were the things I did worth it? I go again to another quote, this time from the altogether far too geeky source of Star Trek: DS9. Despite where its coming from, I firmly believe that Avery Brooks put on one of the finest performances I've ever seen in an hour of TV, an hour that ended with the following (slightly paraphrased):

"So....I lied. I cheated. I bribed men to cover the crimes of other men...But the most damning thing of all...I think I can live with it. And if I had to do it all over again, I would....A guilty conscience is a small price to pay...So I will learn to live with it. Because I can live with it."

And right as I'm previewing this I make one last edit with another realization. I had a hunch this moment of insight was coming. For a few nights I've had something on my mind. Someone who I will miss a surprisingly large amount imparted upon me a few words of kindness. Not the first time she's done it, but everytime it tends to take me by surprise because she does it in ways no one else ever has. That couple minutes replayed many times in my mind. And it seems ironic that part of the conversation that occured that has led me here, questioning my motives, my morals, and many other things, was the statement that I am a genuinely good person, and how rare that is. So should that person read this, I throw some more lyrics out now to end this:

You know I've seen a lot of what the world can do
And it's breakin' my heart in two
Because I never wanna see you a sad girl
Don't be a bad girl
But if you wanna leave, take good care
I hope you make a lot of nice friends out there
But just remember there's a lot of bad and beware.

'Wild World' - Cat Stevens

Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring

BANANAPHONE (do do di do di do)
Ding Dong Ding Dong Ding Dong Ding
BANANAPHONE
'Bananaphone' - Raffi

Today I bring you two stories from around the world. Stories that are bound to change lives. Stories both to scare and amaze.

First that which scares. Our world faces an imminent crisis. A crisis of epic proportions. A crisis that was the inspiration for the title of this blog.

You get up in the morning to enjoy a fine breakfast that may or may not include a banana. While you consume this delicious fruit, you don't bother to take a moment to look at it, admire its various features. One such feature you may have noticed one day, a long time ago, would have been seeds. Small black seeds not even noticeable to the palette. However if you were to look now you would not see those seeds. Now for those unfamiliar with the procreation habits of plants, it is good to know here that to reproduce, a plant needs to have seeds. However after years of genetic manipulation via very particular breeding habits, the seeds have been removed, for mostly cosmetic reasons. This is a particular kind of stupid, and has led to the unbelievable, horrifying, BANANAPOCALPYSE.

For those naysayers that believe I am overreacting, I would direct you to this link.
If only you could stockpile fruit for long periods of time. Perhaps freezedrying will work...

Next I must explain to those few of you here that may not be familiar with my job. The short version is that I'm responsible for making sure my store's inventory system is accurate. If it says we have something, I need to know where its supposed to be, where it actually is, why and how shit went wrong, and to report what we've lost.

Elsewhere in the world exists a facility that has recently been having difficulty taking an accurate inventory of its items. However they also don't have anyone specifically dedicated to the task. I would however have a couple minor concerns about taking the job. First off, I don't know if I want to move to such a boring place. Also, as many of you have bore witness to, my job can be frustrating. This would be somewhat alleviated by the fact that everything is in a limited amount of locations, and are all pretty much limited to 3 or 4 types of item. The downside is that it is in the form of enough nuclear material to obliterate the entire fucking planet. You may read about my new employer here.

In actual everyday related news, work is kicking my ass. Four straight weeks of overtime, with three more to go. And I'm actually enjoying the time at work. I've managed to do some things that I think show why my position can be so important. But I will still need a vacation soon, lol.

I've Gone Out of My Way, Big Blank Slate Every Day

Big, blank canvas staring at me, every day.
'Revenge' - Spoon

A blank slate is right, at least in terms of living arrangements. The long awaited move is over, and I find myself in an absolutely fantastic three-bedroom townhouse in East Redmond. While there was a time where the location displeased me, at this point I don't care because it's so nice here. Makes the horrifically long day of moving worth it. Left work early on Friday so I could get more done, getting home around noon. We didn't get done with everything until 6am Saturday morning. If Joe (1) and Jeeves (2) hadn't come to help, it probably would have taken even longer. I shudder at that thought. I found the most humorous side effect of a late night was that by sleeping in until 2:30pm, I had apparently 'dropped off the face of the earth.' Or so those who couldn't reach me said. But even though it took what seemed like forever, the weight it lifted off the shoulders was immense. No more being couped up in an apartment that was not mine. No more stress about looking, and possibly not finding, a new place. With that over, I could do something more important, like having fun.

I expected to be unpacking Sunday, but that quickly went by the wayside. My first plan was to put together my desk, but I couldn't find all the parts. By the time I did, I went to run errands with Alex (3) for a few hours. Not long after that Shell (4) and her friend Sara (5) came and gave me a full size bed. Given the piece of crap I'd been sleeping on for longer than I'd like to remember, it was a considerable upgrade. I am currently accepting applications for people to help me break in the new bed. You may feel free to sign up in the comment section of this page, however no appointment is necessary. The only downside is that it takes up a larger portion of the room than one might like. However what is the point of having space if I don't use it. Oh, and almost forgot...the numbers you see after each persons name. We've had a running joke here at the house that your ranking in terms of friends is determined on what order in which you've seen the house. Congratulations Joe on being our new best friend. To everyone else that has visited so far, congratulations on being close to the top. If you haven't been here, well then you're missing out.

Elsewhere, work is getting interesting. We're 5 weeks out from our yearly Inventory count, and there is a fucking ton of work to do. I will be working roughly 173 hours per week until October 7th. On the plus side, doing work that is vastly beyond my pay level will hopefully succeed in making that pay level higher. And regardless of that, I happen to be enjoying my projects. At least I get some reward out of this job (of course I say that on Labor Day...hooray for work holidays).