Dreams of me and you, it seems, it seems.
That I can't shake those memories.
I wonder if you feel the same way too.
'Littlest Things' - Lilly Allen
(Courtesy of Gabriel)
Sometimes in the course of ones travels, certain things become clear. Sometimes it comes in a moment of deep introspection. In others it is simply a random observation. And sometimes it is from something in between. Hopefully these bits of knowledge will help you in your own travels.
1.) You cannot see things that are not there.
Leaving Dante's last night, Gabriel and I told Joel that just ahead was the spot from where we recently liberated a street sign. To assist in the storytelling I told Joel that "the sign is right there, but you can't see it because we took it already."
2.) Driving does not require all of one's skills.
Just a few minutes later, while headed toward the freeway, I nearly clipped a curb while making a right turn. I explained that this was due to the fact that my right contact was not in, therefore my vision was slightly compromised. Gabriel volunteered to drive. Not three minutes prior, he had slipped on ice while attempting to enter the car. I said that he could not drive, given that he could not in fact even stand up. The reply? "I don't have to stand up to drive." The logic here is undeniable.
3.) Golf is not an indoor sport.
How is it that I was berated because I hit a door frame while Matt managed to hit himself. I still believe that I was the winner.
4.) Everything that can happen, does happen, somewhere.
There is a theory that there are an infinite number of universes, making it so that every decision, every little change in every little place, occurs. This means that in some universe out there, Gabriel does not have bad knees. In that same universe, I have chlamydia. Indeed fate is a cruel mistress.
5.) There are always menu options that aren't listed on the menu.
Jamba Juice apparently has 'boosts' for anything that may ail you. However I have to assume that to provide the boost that was promised, my juice would have to fuck me. A reacharound from a liquid would also be very, very messy.
6.) Running is bad for your health.
Bleeding nipples and burning penises. STD's are not the real threat.
7.) If you peer into someone's eyes, you are bound to find out the truth.
There have been many jokes made that the baby pictured in my profile pic, beautiful little Leota, is in fact mine. So when someone not around for these jokes says to me, "I can't figure out how she has such blue eyes when neither parent does," I can't help but laugh. My specific proof has always been that she has my eyes.
I'm guessing I missed something in all of this, as there was much wisdom to be spread in the last 24 hours. Weather permitting, I may have more to share soon.
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Time, Time, Time, See What’s Become of Me
While I looked around, for my possibilities, I was so hard to please.
Look around, leaves are brown.
And the sky, is a hazy shade of winter.
'Hazy Shade of Winter' - The Bangles
Sunday night, while mostly designed as a night for people to just chill, led to a conversation which honestly put me right off the happy wagon. Someone asked if I had simply come out and said it, which of course I hadn't. It is a fairly well-known fact that I analyze the shit out of everything. However while it was said that I took the wrong course of action, I can say only this. If what I did was the wrong course, than why is it that I was proven to be right? In fact why is it that on every similar occasion I am proven right? What people don't realize is that this isn't an issue of self-confidence. It is an issue of confidence of others. It is said that reality is essentially dependent on the person experiencing it and the things they've been through. So at this point what I consider to be a reality shouldn't be surprising. I'm sure it would make more sense if you all knew the whole history, but I don't feel like reliving everything prior to July 17th, 2005. Because guess what, I had a live before this place, and in this area it was eerily similar. Perhaps what bothers me most is that when attempting to find what the roadblock is, I can't narrow it down to the obvious. In fact the problem seems to be a flaw in the part of me I hold as sacrosanct.
In case it wasn't obvious, I still have not made the block that I mentioned last time. The one that stops me from posting after 12:00am on Tuesdays. Though even if I had, I doubt it would have stopped this. When one comes face to face with the vessel of their defeat, there is little that can silence the howls of anguish.
Look around, leaves are brown.
And the sky, is a hazy shade of winter.
'Hazy Shade of Winter' - The Bangles
Sunday night, while mostly designed as a night for people to just chill, led to a conversation which honestly put me right off the happy wagon. Someone asked if I had simply come out and said it, which of course I hadn't. It is a fairly well-known fact that I analyze the shit out of everything. However while it was said that I took the wrong course of action, I can say only this. If what I did was the wrong course, than why is it that I was proven to be right? In fact why is it that on every similar occasion I am proven right? What people don't realize is that this isn't an issue of self-confidence. It is an issue of confidence of others. It is said that reality is essentially dependent on the person experiencing it and the things they've been through. So at this point what I consider to be a reality shouldn't be surprising. I'm sure it would make more sense if you all knew the whole history, but I don't feel like reliving everything prior to July 17th, 2005. Because guess what, I had a live before this place, and in this area it was eerily similar. Perhaps what bothers me most is that when attempting to find what the roadblock is, I can't narrow it down to the obvious. In fact the problem seems to be a flaw in the part of me I hold as sacrosanct.
In case it wasn't obvious, I still have not made the block that I mentioned last time. The one that stops me from posting after 12:00am on Tuesdays. Though even if I had, I doubt it would have stopped this. When one comes face to face with the vessel of their defeat, there is little that can silence the howls of anguish.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
How Many Times Can I Break Til I Shatter
Over the line can't define what I'm after.
I always turn the car around.
Give me a break let me make my own pattern.
All that it takes is some time but I'm shattered.
I always turn the car around.
'Shattered' - Of A Revolution
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting a different result. Now this involves a fairly broad definition of the term 'same thing,' but I think it works. While I like the fact that you people have such an easy time saying 'do this' or 'do that,' what you are forgetting is the sheer amount of baggage that I'm dealing with at this point. I'm all for the idea of moving on and for the most part (despite recent comments to the contrary, lol) have managed to do so, but the simple fact is that these ideas that come so easy to the rest of you, well they don't for me. One suggestion in particular that was made by roughly 362 people? I honestly thought about that exact thing for four minutes and fifty-eight seconds, but cannot comprehend what it takes to accomplish that. Something so minor for most is literally beyond what I can even process at this point. Where this gets even more complex is that even if I get past that, I still have what's next to deal with. I don't know how to be the person that step two would require.
You know what else makes this so great. This is almost as public as the ones before it. Yeah....I want to go through that embarassement and unpleasantness again. I love that so many are on my side, but given that what they say is to my mind, entirely in vein, what's the point?
I should find a way to block my ability to write these after say, 12:00am Tuesday, as I'm sure that would save me a good amount of writing. Especially writing while clinging to what remains of my coherent mind.
I always turn the car around.
Give me a break let me make my own pattern.
All that it takes is some time but I'm shattered.
I always turn the car around.
'Shattered' - Of A Revolution
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting a different result. Now this involves a fairly broad definition of the term 'same thing,' but I think it works. While I like the fact that you people have such an easy time saying 'do this' or 'do that,' what you are forgetting is the sheer amount of baggage that I'm dealing with at this point. I'm all for the idea of moving on and for the most part (despite recent comments to the contrary, lol) have managed to do so, but the simple fact is that these ideas that come so easy to the rest of you, well they don't for me. One suggestion in particular that was made by roughly 362 people? I honestly thought about that exact thing for four minutes and fifty-eight seconds, but cannot comprehend what it takes to accomplish that. Something so minor for most is literally beyond what I can even process at this point. Where this gets even more complex is that even if I get past that, I still have what's next to deal with. I don't know how to be the person that step two would require.
You know what else makes this so great. This is almost as public as the ones before it. Yeah....I want to go through that embarassement and unpleasantness again. I love that so many are on my side, but given that what they say is to my mind, entirely in vein, what's the point?
I should find a way to block my ability to write these after say, 12:00am Tuesday, as I'm sure that would save me a good amount of writing. Especially writing while clinging to what remains of my coherent mind.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Hail to the Chief Who in Triumph Advances
Honored and bless'd be the evergreen pine.
Long may the tree in his banner that glances,
Flourish, the shelter and grace of our line.
'Hail to the Chief' - Sir Walter Scott
(Lyrics from the original theatrical production of 'The Lady of the Lake' which was the predecessor to what later became the presidential anthem)
We stand at an important junction in the history of our country and our world. Regardless of how one wanted the election to turn out, the simple fact is that there are a great many problems facing us. No one person could ever be expected to have the capacity to fix them. So while many have pinned their hopes on what has happened in the past 24 hours, it needs to be remembered that it is only the beginning. I can only hope that the level of discourse, debate, and participation that have been the lynchpin of these elections will continue on in the months and years ahead.
As I have continued to absorbe the enormity of what we've witnessed, I found myself wandering the streets of downtown Seattle this morning. While I had a reason to be down there, I ended up doing something entirely different. Where only twelve hours before there had been crowds ranging from hundreds to thousands celebrating, there were now people going back to their routines. However there was something different. There was an excitement about what comes next, about the good things we can help accomplish if given the chance. People were spontaneously starting conversations with anyone they thought was their idealistic brethren and spilling their emotions, hopes, and dreams for our country. I almost had to add more time to my parking spot as what I thought was a brief errand turned into a type of bonding between strangers that one rarely sees.
So as I now too go back to the daily grind, I must also, at least briefly, turn my attention back to work, and the people there. The week started very well, with a Sunday meeting that brought full circle the unpleasantries that had plagued the past nine months. Finally I was absolved of everything I was blamed for. Finally they realized that what was done to me was wrong. While there is still a large part of me that wishes I had been able to make my exit immediately as I planned, I take some pleasure in having remained long enough to have received an apology.
However after Sunday I found that things started to get complicated again. Actually I suppose I saw this coming Saturday after some conversations to get me up to speed with what I missed by not leaving the Halloween party (an event to which I will get back to later). But combined with Monday night...yeah folks, I hate to say it, especially for those who already see it as obvious, this isn't going to end well for anyone. How many more people can be pissed at each other? 1.....2.....3......*crunch*....the world may never know.
So back to Halloween. I realize now what it was that was nagging at me. With regard to what I did, the concept of doing something like that completely randomly is foreign to me. Now its pretty well known at this point that my expertise in this area is limited, so that statement may seem odd. Everything I write now seems slightly too grandiose for something so minor, so this is kinda hard. I guess I'll just sum it up like this. The first part was what it was, and that's not what I'm stuck on. In fact I look at that part as simply a better experience than that bizarre night near my birthday two years ago. What utterly blew my mind was thirty seconds later on the other side of the room. Is that really how this works? Eh, no biggie either way. I enjoyed every last bit of that night, even the parts I don't understand.
Long may the tree in his banner that glances,
Flourish, the shelter and grace of our line.
'Hail to the Chief' - Sir Walter Scott
(Lyrics from the original theatrical production of 'The Lady of the Lake' which was the predecessor to what later became the presidential anthem)
We stand at an important junction in the history of our country and our world. Regardless of how one wanted the election to turn out, the simple fact is that there are a great many problems facing us. No one person could ever be expected to have the capacity to fix them. So while many have pinned their hopes on what has happened in the past 24 hours, it needs to be remembered that it is only the beginning. I can only hope that the level of discourse, debate, and participation that have been the lynchpin of these elections will continue on in the months and years ahead.
As I have continued to absorbe the enormity of what we've witnessed, I found myself wandering the streets of downtown Seattle this morning. While I had a reason to be down there, I ended up doing something entirely different. Where only twelve hours before there had been crowds ranging from hundreds to thousands celebrating, there were now people going back to their routines. However there was something different. There was an excitement about what comes next, about the good things we can help accomplish if given the chance. People were spontaneously starting conversations with anyone they thought was their idealistic brethren and spilling their emotions, hopes, and dreams for our country. I almost had to add more time to my parking spot as what I thought was a brief errand turned into a type of bonding between strangers that one rarely sees.
So as I now too go back to the daily grind, I must also, at least briefly, turn my attention back to work, and the people there. The week started very well, with a Sunday meeting that brought full circle the unpleasantries that had plagued the past nine months. Finally I was absolved of everything I was blamed for. Finally they realized that what was done to me was wrong. While there is still a large part of me that wishes I had been able to make my exit immediately as I planned, I take some pleasure in having remained long enough to have received an apology.
However after Sunday I found that things started to get complicated again. Actually I suppose I saw this coming Saturday after some conversations to get me up to speed with what I missed by not leaving the Halloween party (an event to which I will get back to later). But combined with Monday night...yeah folks, I hate to say it, especially for those who already see it as obvious, this isn't going to end well for anyone. How many more people can be pissed at each other? 1.....2.....3......*crunch*....the world may never know.
So back to Halloween. I realize now what it was that was nagging at me. With regard to what I did, the concept of doing something like that completely randomly is foreign to me. Now its pretty well known at this point that my expertise in this area is limited, so that statement may seem odd. Everything I write now seems slightly too grandiose for something so minor, so this is kinda hard. I guess I'll just sum it up like this. The first part was what it was, and that's not what I'm stuck on. In fact I look at that part as simply a better experience than that bizarre night near my birthday two years ago. What utterly blew my mind was thirty seconds later on the other side of the room. Is that really how this works? Eh, no biggie either way. I enjoyed every last bit of that night, even the parts I don't understand.
Sunday, November 2, 2008
What Is It Really That Motivates You, the Need to Fly or This Fear to Stop
I'll go along for the ride but surprise,
When we get there I say 9 of 10 drop.
Now who's the light and who is the devil,
You can't decide so I'll be your guide.
And one by one they will be hand chosen,
Now this is what it's like when worlds collide.
'When Worlds Collide' - Powerman 5000
In what was probably the quietest day I've had in a while, I find myself sitting here wondering how we are going to cure all the ills that have befallen us. I don't have answers yet, but I have ideas, and that's a start.
This week, like the few before it, has been filled with late nights and for the most part, good times. The day after our yearly inventory had 17 different kinds of fun spanning everywhere from Capitol Hill to Marysville and everywhere in between. Later days provided a karaoke contest (in which Andrew was robbed), a late night dinner at a 'classy' restaurant, and of course, Halloween.
It pleases me that I could apparently entertain so many last night. I always say that the reaction is what makes many things worth doing, this seems to have been no exception. However I find myself moderately startled at some of it all. What I did was largely irrelevant, the moment was what it was and does not particularly jump into my thoughts. What came after though was, annoying, for lack of a better word. Nothing I write now seems entirely useful or accurate in describing this. Perhaps its because I don't know what I was doing either. So yeah, probably gonna wait to write more until I have a bit more perspective.
When we get there I say 9 of 10 drop.
Now who's the light and who is the devil,
You can't decide so I'll be your guide.
And one by one they will be hand chosen,
Now this is what it's like when worlds collide.
'When Worlds Collide' - Powerman 5000
In what was probably the quietest day I've had in a while, I find myself sitting here wondering how we are going to cure all the ills that have befallen us. I don't have answers yet, but I have ideas, and that's a start.
This week, like the few before it, has been filled with late nights and for the most part, good times. The day after our yearly inventory had 17 different kinds of fun spanning everywhere from Capitol Hill to Marysville and everywhere in between. Later days provided a karaoke contest (in which Andrew was robbed), a late night dinner at a 'classy' restaurant, and of course, Halloween.
It pleases me that I could apparently entertain so many last night. I always say that the reaction is what makes many things worth doing, this seems to have been no exception. However I find myself moderately startled at some of it all. What I did was largely irrelevant, the moment was what it was and does not particularly jump into my thoughts. What came after though was, annoying, for lack of a better word. Nothing I write now seems entirely useful or accurate in describing this. Perhaps its because I don't know what I was doing either. So yeah, probably gonna wait to write more until I have a bit more perspective.
Friday, October 10, 2008
Hold On Tight, You Know She’s a Little Bit Dangerous
'Dangerous' - Roxette
This has been one helluva week or so. I was already off to a pretty spectacular start when I wrote the last blog, but that was just the beginning. I sat here thinking that the vice-presidential debate was where I kicked it up a notch, but the realized that in fact Wicker Park Wednesday is more accurate. From that point on, damn near every night has been an adventure. A day by day summary for your perusal:
Wednesday: Wicker Park at the house. This was the culmination of whatever Monday night at Dante's was. My six-pack was shortlived. The movie was alright I suppose, but nothing to write home about.
Thursday: This started off innocently enough by watching the VP debate at Bret's with him and Ben while I rebuilt his computer. However that continued into a pitstop at Teddy's with Sabrina, Andrew, Ben, and Gabriel. This was basically pre-game for Kevin's Birthday at Moon Temple. You know a night is going to be hilarious when upon entry, you are swept up into a ensemble performance of 'Livin on a Prayer.' This night was almost the most exhuasting just due to hours upon hours of singing, jumping, and dancing.
Friday: While this did not involve drinking, it did invovle a late night with everyone going over to Steve and Charlene's watching Iron Man and playing with Leota. Think I might just go repeat that today or tomorrow depending on upcoming developments (more on that later).
Sunday: One year ago I was in the middle of working a 16-hour shift at work, the grand finale to weeks of preperation for our yearly inventory. I followed that up with a six-mile walk from downtown Seattle back to Northgate. While on that walk, I thought about many things. Relief that everything at work would start winding down. Concern and pain at the craziness that was my love life as there had been a lot of confessions made in the previous 48 hours. And finally worry, because Gabriel was laying in a hospital bed after his car wreck. Sunday was one big toast to him, and I wouldn't have missed it for anything.
Monday: Karaoke, of course. The ongoing duet brought out Faith by George Michaels and A Whole New World from Aladdin. Someday I should learn how to sing, that would make this much easier. There was also finale of Better Man by Pearl Jam. Now I mention the last part because as I looked around that floor while we were up there and came to the conclusion that everyone up there had a reason they were participating. I look around our group and I can't help but wonder, what's next? Perhaps more sober discourse is required. I can say this however, Ben and I are formidable but not invincible. Where there are injustices, we shall stand and stop them, or fall over totally trashed trying.
Tuesday: Not much I can say about this, except that it was unexpected, and unplanned by everyone. It's also why I'm glad that when drinking, my memory is usually the last thing to go, cause I'd have hated to miss this. A small group, a small venue, and good conversation. It was also a humorous throwback to a night many months ago where three of the four people were the same and the intentions were quite similar. I also am still amazed that the last person has remained such a mystery. Normally I can figure people out faster than this, but this one is all kinds of interesting. I have a hunch those answers are coming soon as well. And on a side note to those there...she never heard what I said on the phone. Its ok, cause I still enjoyed saying it. Though afterward, she said it was good I wasn't. My only reply was that if I had been, I sure the hell wouldn't have answered my phone.
Thursday: This night was not about drinking as much as it was about eating. But of course alcohol would play its ever-important part. I never would have expected to say that Moon Temple has such incredible food, but here I am. I suppose it makes up for the fact that the drinks are forged from pure triple-distilled evil. For the second time this year, I had to manhandle Josh to save him from imminent harm. However I have to give some props...I'd have a hard time getting into that tree sober, let alone utterly sloshed. After leaving there, we found ourselves standing outside Kevin's preparing for the next adventure. The mission: Rescue to heavily intoxicated damsels from the clutches of downtown Seattle. We three knights toasted to our success....with apple fritters. I cannot begin to describe how odd that was. Now I could write on about what occured in the car after the successful rescue, but I am only going to say this. It hurts to move my arm, and this is twelve hours later. Bruised. Swollen. Looks like I got into a fight. It's ok though, cause it was all for the shorties.
So if you have stuck around this long, you might be wondering what the point is. It's really quite simple. I have the next two days off, so I pose this question to you all.
What shall we do tonight?
This has been one helluva week or so. I was already off to a pretty spectacular start when I wrote the last blog, but that was just the beginning. I sat here thinking that the vice-presidential debate was where I kicked it up a notch, but the realized that in fact Wicker Park Wednesday is more accurate. From that point on, damn near every night has been an adventure. A day by day summary for your perusal:
Wednesday: Wicker Park at the house. This was the culmination of whatever Monday night at Dante's was. My six-pack was shortlived. The movie was alright I suppose, but nothing to write home about.
Thursday: This started off innocently enough by watching the VP debate at Bret's with him and Ben while I rebuilt his computer. However that continued into a pitstop at Teddy's with Sabrina, Andrew, Ben, and Gabriel. This was basically pre-game for Kevin's Birthday at Moon Temple. You know a night is going to be hilarious when upon entry, you are swept up into a ensemble performance of 'Livin on a Prayer.' This night was almost the most exhuasting just due to hours upon hours of singing, jumping, and dancing.
Friday: While this did not involve drinking, it did invovle a late night with everyone going over to Steve and Charlene's watching Iron Man and playing with Leota. Think I might just go repeat that today or tomorrow depending on upcoming developments (more on that later).
Sunday: One year ago I was in the middle of working a 16-hour shift at work, the grand finale to weeks of preperation for our yearly inventory. I followed that up with a six-mile walk from downtown Seattle back to Northgate. While on that walk, I thought about many things. Relief that everything at work would start winding down. Concern and pain at the craziness that was my love life as there had been a lot of confessions made in the previous 48 hours. And finally worry, because Gabriel was laying in a hospital bed after his car wreck. Sunday was one big toast to him, and I wouldn't have missed it for anything.
Monday: Karaoke, of course. The ongoing duet brought out Faith by George Michaels and A Whole New World from Aladdin. Someday I should learn how to sing, that would make this much easier. There was also finale of Better Man by Pearl Jam. Now I mention the last part because as I looked around that floor while we were up there and came to the conclusion that everyone up there had a reason they were participating. I look around our group and I can't help but wonder, what's next? Perhaps more sober discourse is required. I can say this however, Ben and I are formidable but not invincible. Where there are injustices, we shall stand and stop them, or fall over totally trashed trying.
Tuesday: Not much I can say about this, except that it was unexpected, and unplanned by everyone. It's also why I'm glad that when drinking, my memory is usually the last thing to go, cause I'd have hated to miss this. A small group, a small venue, and good conversation. It was also a humorous throwback to a night many months ago where three of the four people were the same and the intentions were quite similar. I also am still amazed that the last person has remained such a mystery. Normally I can figure people out faster than this, but this one is all kinds of interesting. I have a hunch those answers are coming soon as well. And on a side note to those there...she never heard what I said on the phone. Its ok, cause I still enjoyed saying it. Though afterward, she said it was good I wasn't. My only reply was that if I had been, I sure the hell wouldn't have answered my phone.
Thursday: This night was not about drinking as much as it was about eating. But of course alcohol would play its ever-important part. I never would have expected to say that Moon Temple has such incredible food, but here I am. I suppose it makes up for the fact that the drinks are forged from pure triple-distilled evil. For the second time this year, I had to manhandle Josh to save him from imminent harm. However I have to give some props...I'd have a hard time getting into that tree sober, let alone utterly sloshed. After leaving there, we found ourselves standing outside Kevin's preparing for the next adventure. The mission: Rescue to heavily intoxicated damsels from the clutches of downtown Seattle. We three knights toasted to our success....with apple fritters. I cannot begin to describe how odd that was. Now I could write on about what occured in the car after the successful rescue, but I am only going to say this. It hurts to move my arm, and this is twelve hours later. Bruised. Swollen. Looks like I got into a fight. It's ok though, cause it was all for the shorties.
So if you have stuck around this long, you might be wondering what the point is. It's really quite simple. I have the next two days off, so I pose this question to you all.
What shall we do tonight?
Friday, October 3, 2008
Oh Baby Don’t You Know I Suffer, But oh Baby Can’t You Hear Me Moan
You caught me under false pretences.
How long before you let me go.
Oooh....you set my soul alight....oooh....you set my soul alight.
Glaciers melting in the dead of night.
And the superstars sucked into the supermassive....
Muse - Supermassive Black Hole
These lyrics really have tremendously little relevance to anything, but I like the song and one little bit makes me laugh right now.
So wow, been out of the writing game for a little while. I suppose the biggest news, which anyone who would be reading this knows, is that I've finally ended up in a department where I can be relatively happy. On the other hand, I have finally realized Kevin Drew's old belief that I would eventually wear the Geek Squad uniform. Well, I'm in a department where I will be able to do a lot of good. That is once I've mercilessly slaughtered most everyone. That however is a sacrifice I'm willing to make.
As I looked back to see when I'd last written, I realize that this summer really wasn't the grand and epic time that I hoped it would be. It was however decent and I have little to complain about. I've gotten to watch my goddaughter continue to grow into an even bigger ball of joy. I struggled to reclaim a prior job (running Rock the Vote), only to be vanquished by laws that I could not bypass without the assistance of people who, despite the expenditure of considerable resources, could not be found. And I have continued my struggle to figure out 'what's next.'
You might be wondering what triggered my desire to return to writing at this moment, where nothing of huge consquence has gone on. Well, over the past couple nights, I've had so many interesting conversations that it just put me into that introspective kind of mood. After a horrifyingly bad day at work Sunday, I grabbed some Strongbow, and basically drank my way from QFC to Bret's to Kevin's. Time well spent to say the least. Following a few episodes of Battlestar Galactica, we talked about the future. The future referred to at the time was mostly based around space, and things that are in space. I can't go into details as they are classified. I say only that you should beware the 'space cancer.'
The future is what I'd like to discuss now however. In context, I refer to the future based on any given moment where I throw out a prediction. There is a pattern to the predictions I make. That pattern is....that I'm right. While some people can predict the what, as in the case that sticks out in my mind, I can predict the when, with a precision that is measured in minutes. There are reasons that I'm right, and that is, for lack of a better description, because I'm smarter than everyone else. I also am observant, hell, I even got paid relatively well for a year and a half just because I observe so well. I'm not going to explain how I predict things because that is my little secret.
I base a great many of my actions on predictions of how events will occur. So when I believe its time to cut and run, that's because it is. However I, after being basically coerced, decided to go once more unto the breach. At that point I assessed the situation, discussed with the players what the appropriate move was, and then ignored all logic, because well, they were calling me a bitch, and I couldn't stand for that. However within the aforementioned minutes I was forced into a decision that exposed me to peril regardless of the choice. One was run like hell (most conspicuous but least risky), one was covertly escape (moderate danger/risk), or jump out the god damned window (least conspicuous, but likely ending in injury). I went with the first choice.
The key to everything you just read is to understand that I am, at least in my head, laughing hysterically right now. All these choices, decisions, and predictions in that anecdote are completely unimportant, but still prove my point. And that point is this. I can kill people with my brain. From distances up to 300 yards away. My ammunition is mind bullets. I also am obscenely tired. And possibly still ever so slightly inebriated (not much, I swear). Only one other person should know exactly what I'm talking about (at least as I write this). A couple more should be able to figure it out. I hope those folks enjoy.
On a totally unrelated note. Yes folks, I know made a mistake. I'm not always right, just mostly. I get how against it you all were. Is it truly necessary to keep reminding me, especially after all these months? (IGNORE THIS PARAGRAPH - It has nothing to do with the rest of this, but I don't delete things I write, so it stays)
I leave you tonight with a quote:
When you see something from afar, you develop a fantasy. But when you see it up close, 9 times out of 10, you wish you hadn't.
I'm going to hell for that one.
EDIT: A rarity I assure you, but I realized a bit of a mistake. The part where I said "This is totally unrelated....." I didn't say that strongly enough. That whole series of events over the summer was simply brought up by a bunch of different people, and it was annoying me a little. Everything that went on Sunday and Monday actually invovled different people and concerned things that were humorous and not bad in any way. The quote after that line? Not even related to me.
How long before you let me go.
Oooh....you set my soul alight....oooh....you set my soul alight.
Glaciers melting in the dead of night.
And the superstars sucked into the supermassive....
Muse - Supermassive Black Hole
These lyrics really have tremendously little relevance to anything, but I like the song and one little bit makes me laugh right now.
So wow, been out of the writing game for a little while. I suppose the biggest news, which anyone who would be reading this knows, is that I've finally ended up in a department where I can be relatively happy. On the other hand, I have finally realized Kevin Drew's old belief that I would eventually wear the Geek Squad uniform. Well, I'm in a department where I will be able to do a lot of good. That is once I've mercilessly slaughtered most everyone. That however is a sacrifice I'm willing to make.
As I looked back to see when I'd last written, I realize that this summer really wasn't the grand and epic time that I hoped it would be. It was however decent and I have little to complain about. I've gotten to watch my goddaughter continue to grow into an even bigger ball of joy. I struggled to reclaim a prior job (running Rock the Vote), only to be vanquished by laws that I could not bypass without the assistance of people who, despite the expenditure of considerable resources, could not be found. And I have continued my struggle to figure out 'what's next.'
You might be wondering what triggered my desire to return to writing at this moment, where nothing of huge consquence has gone on. Well, over the past couple nights, I've had so many interesting conversations that it just put me into that introspective kind of mood. After a horrifyingly bad day at work Sunday, I grabbed some Strongbow, and basically drank my way from QFC to Bret's to Kevin's. Time well spent to say the least. Following a few episodes of Battlestar Galactica, we talked about the future. The future referred to at the time was mostly based around space, and things that are in space. I can't go into details as they are classified. I say only that you should beware the 'space cancer.'
The future is what I'd like to discuss now however. In context, I refer to the future based on any given moment where I throw out a prediction. There is a pattern to the predictions I make. That pattern is....that I'm right. While some people can predict the what, as in the case that sticks out in my mind, I can predict the when, with a precision that is measured in minutes. There are reasons that I'm right, and that is, for lack of a better description, because I'm smarter than everyone else. I also am observant, hell, I even got paid relatively well for a year and a half just because I observe so well. I'm not going to explain how I predict things because that is my little secret.
I base a great many of my actions on predictions of how events will occur. So when I believe its time to cut and run, that's because it is. However I, after being basically coerced, decided to go once more unto the breach. At that point I assessed the situation, discussed with the players what the appropriate move was, and then ignored all logic, because well, they were calling me a bitch, and I couldn't stand for that. However within the aforementioned minutes I was forced into a decision that exposed me to peril regardless of the choice. One was run like hell (most conspicuous but least risky), one was covertly escape (moderate danger/risk), or jump out the god damned window (least conspicuous, but likely ending in injury). I went with the first choice.
The key to everything you just read is to understand that I am, at least in my head, laughing hysterically right now. All these choices, decisions, and predictions in that anecdote are completely unimportant, but still prove my point. And that point is this. I can kill people with my brain. From distances up to 300 yards away. My ammunition is mind bullets. I also am obscenely tired. And possibly still ever so slightly inebriated (not much, I swear). Only one other person should know exactly what I'm talking about (at least as I write this). A couple more should be able to figure it out. I hope those folks enjoy.
On a totally unrelated note. Yes folks, I know made a mistake. I'm not always right, just mostly. I get how against it you all were. Is it truly necessary to keep reminding me, especially after all these months? (IGNORE THIS PARAGRAPH - It has nothing to do with the rest of this, but I don't delete things I write, so it stays)
I leave you tonight with a quote:
When you see something from afar, you develop a fantasy. But when you see it up close, 9 times out of 10, you wish you hadn't.
I'm going to hell for that one.
EDIT: A rarity I assure you, but I realized a bit of a mistake. The part where I said "This is totally unrelated....." I didn't say that strongly enough. That whole series of events over the summer was simply brought up by a bunch of different people, and it was annoying me a little. Everything that went on Sunday and Monday actually invovled different people and concerned things that were humorous and not bad in any way. The quote after that line? Not even related to me.
Monday, May 19, 2008
No Reason to Get Excited, the Thief He Kindly Spoke
There are many here among us who feel that life is but a joke.
But you and I we've been through that, and this is not our fate.
So let us not talk falsely now, the hours getting late.
'All Along the Watchtowers' - Bob Dylan
Over the past week and a half, it seems that things are getting back to a good place. I have managed to see damn near everybody, which has been fun to say the least. A gathering at Steve's, late-night food at the Hurricane, The two nights of Sabrina's birthday, Joey's 21-run, playing in the sun at Volunteer and Magnusson Parks, and a night of fantastic comedy. Holy crap this has been a lot of stuff. But god its nice to see everyone again. And I have, almost surprisingly, survived all of this, despite my efforts last week of killing myself via frisbee.
I think this is going to be the summer that I have been expecting for the past couple years. About time too, this summer can only be an improvement over the last one. And by god we're getting the disappointment out of the way too. This week was supposed to have two particularly great events. Memorial Day weekend was going to find a group of us out at the Sasquatch Music Festival at the Gorge. However due to the gross incompetance and negligence of the person who was getting us in, we no longer have tickets. Why must people suck so much?
And the other disappointment I have to blame on Hillary Clinton. Because she wouldn't get her thoroughly kicked ass out of this race, one of her supporters decided to go help her campaign. This affects me because that particular supporter was to be at a luncheon that I was going to get to attend. This person was former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright. I think it would have been an interesting event to say the least. But no, instead Senator Clinton chose to make this personal, as the only logical explanation for this is that she believes I have wronged her somehow.
But despite the failures of this week, all of which among other things negated the need for me to request any days off of work, I think everything is pretty much going fantastic. Well, other than my near complete displeasure at my job (I have a little fun, so that helps), and a nagging suspicion that my recent issues aren't quite as resolved as I may have hoped (though perhaps as predicted)....
So with that, out for another night of fun and debauchery. And for those that are going to be around Memorial Day weekend, I think plans need to be made, epic plans to say the least.
But you and I we've been through that, and this is not our fate.
So let us not talk falsely now, the hours getting late.
'All Along the Watchtowers' - Bob Dylan
Over the past week and a half, it seems that things are getting back to a good place. I have managed to see damn near everybody, which has been fun to say the least. A gathering at Steve's, late-night food at the Hurricane, The two nights of Sabrina's birthday, Joey's 21-run, playing in the sun at Volunteer and Magnusson Parks, and a night of fantastic comedy. Holy crap this has been a lot of stuff. But god its nice to see everyone again. And I have, almost surprisingly, survived all of this, despite my efforts last week of killing myself via frisbee.
I think this is going to be the summer that I have been expecting for the past couple years. About time too, this summer can only be an improvement over the last one. And by god we're getting the disappointment out of the way too. This week was supposed to have two particularly great events. Memorial Day weekend was going to find a group of us out at the Sasquatch Music Festival at the Gorge. However due to the gross incompetance and negligence of the person who was getting us in, we no longer have tickets. Why must people suck so much?
And the other disappointment I have to blame on Hillary Clinton. Because she wouldn't get her thoroughly kicked ass out of this race, one of her supporters decided to go help her campaign. This affects me because that particular supporter was to be at a luncheon that I was going to get to attend. This person was former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright. I think it would have been an interesting event to say the least. But no, instead Senator Clinton chose to make this personal, as the only logical explanation for this is that she believes I have wronged her somehow.
But despite the failures of this week, all of which among other things negated the need for me to request any days off of work, I think everything is pretty much going fantastic. Well, other than my near complete displeasure at my job (I have a little fun, so that helps), and a nagging suspicion that my recent issues aren't quite as resolved as I may have hoped (though perhaps as predicted)....
So with that, out for another night of fun and debauchery. And for those that are going to be around Memorial Day weekend, I think plans need to be made, epic plans to say the least.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
How Dare You Say That My Behavior is Unacceptable, So Condescending, Unnecessarily Critical
I have a tendency of getting very physical,
So watch your step cause if I do you'll need a miracle.
You drain me dry and make me wonder why I'm even here.
This double vision I was seeing is finally clear.
You want to stay but you know very well I want you gone.
Not fit to fucking tread the ground that I am walking on.
When it gets cold outside and you got nobody to love,
You'll understand what I mean when I say,
There's no way we're gonna give up.
And like a little girl cries in the face of a monster that lives in her dreams,
Is there anyone out there, cause its getting harder and harder to breathe.
'Harder to Breathe' - Maroon 5
This will conclude what I decided to turn into a three-part series about the tangle of thoughts and emotions going on in my head, regarding both the situation everyone knows about, as well as life in general.
I have to provide a bit of context for this first. I am in a very good mood right now. Things are getting back on track, and I'm really not to worried about much. However, I feel it is important to acknowledge that much more has gone on in my mind than pain and suffering. There has been anger, blame, arrogance, and many other things. Also, this one is going to go on for a while, cause I'm still in a writing kind of mood.
Right before I started my month-long exile, Tavis and I had a conversation about what I thought my chances were, and was I worried about any competition. I laughed and stated that if Jason (yes I know, but if you look at how things were, it made sense in a 'holy shit that'd be stupid but not surprising' kind of way) was the only person to worry about, then it was a cakewalk. Tavis warned me not to be overconfident, which is amusing given the nature of so many of our conversations. Now given the width and breadth of my failures, one might wonder how I could hold any level of confidence. This is where my mind does something strange. Any lack of confidence I have has nothing to do with myself. My lack of confidence is in other people, specifically that most people are not capable of realizing just what I am. This can be seen in some degree in the amount of people that have claimed me as one of their closest or even best friend. A leap is required between friendship and anything else, and I doubt the ability of most people to accomplish it. Now that's not to say I'm without fault, far from it. But I know damn well what I am, and from the conceited part of my mind that I choose to suppress most of the time, the only way to describe it is 'better than other people.'
As for anger, there are three parts to it. I am angry at myself for what can be summed up as 'losing my objectivity.' Unfortunately another way to phrase it could be 'having a soul,' as looking at things subjectively is completely normal. I am what I am, and from time to time, see what I want to see.
The second bit of anger is at Katelyn. Like I said before, managing to convince me, your best friend, most of our coworkers, and the majority of my non-work friends, that something was happening, I can't even begin to understand. I know it wasn't on purpose, which is a big reason I can move on, but seriously, holy shit. Since the topic comes up many times each day at work, I have managed to piece together what I believe to be the majority of how this caught on. While I was on vacation, about the only times I saw work friends, we were together. While not helpful, that wasn't the big issue. Talking about me to everyone was. Perhaps there are lessons to be learned here. Also, this may seem like an odd way to air these grievances, but my logic is simple. Once I post this, I'm done worrying about it. No more conversations, no more worries, simply back to where we were. If through nothing but sheer force of will, I am over this.
Oh yeah, the third outlet for my anger. This one is blatantly illogical, but also the one that I enjoy the most. The only reason I'm not going to say the name is because I don't feel it is fair to call someone out on here that I don't actually know. All I can say is that I have no need for him to be my friend. And since he is technically not my coworker I don't have to deal with him professionally either. So while he has not actually wronged me, I take a perverse joy in being angry at him. A person can move on and still be a little jealous can't they, lol.
No Shaun, I'm not jealous of you.
Damn it, now I can't stop laughing.
So another part of Saturday's conversation that I want to talk about is regarding the future. I mentioned that the probable outcome would be they go and do their thing, we hang out less and less, and eventually she will be weaned off of me, for lack of a better phrase. I have had this happen before, so I simply consider it one of the many ways the world can work. Now the look on her face essentially said, 'no, that's not how I want it to be.' I didn't say it then, but I have always had an opinion on this sort of thing. Now, the following assumes that you can quantify happiness, as laid out in my highly scientific paper (still being written) tentatively titled "The Laws of Universal Happiness With Regards to an Equalibrium State in both Small and Large Samples," soon to be published in some well-regarded journal of note.
It begins with person 1 deriving X amount of happiness from person 2, and Y amount of happiness from person 3. At the start, X > Y. Now if for every amount you lower X, you are able to get twice as the amount added to Y, doesn't it make sense to go with Y? You are all lucky that I can't write in scientific notation using this text box. I have a big equation, and its awesome. Who said calculus never does anything for you after college?
To tie all my writings of the past few days together I would say this. I don't know specifically what it is that makes me the friend that I am. I have my ideas, but I suspect that it is difficult to put into words. Of course a part of me wishes things would have worked out differently, but if what I come out of this with is a friendship with someone who, despite their mistakes, loves me completely and totally, can I truly complain? Well, maybe I'll complain some, but I've earned that right. However when I look around me I know that I have near me some of the most loyal, caring, kind people that anyone could be lucky to have. Even if my time with them is limited, I'm am still a better person for the experience, and hopefully vice versa.
So watch your step cause if I do you'll need a miracle.
You drain me dry and make me wonder why I'm even here.
This double vision I was seeing is finally clear.
You want to stay but you know very well I want you gone.
Not fit to fucking tread the ground that I am walking on.
When it gets cold outside and you got nobody to love,
You'll understand what I mean when I say,
There's no way we're gonna give up.
And like a little girl cries in the face of a monster that lives in her dreams,
Is there anyone out there, cause its getting harder and harder to breathe.
'Harder to Breathe' - Maroon 5
This will conclude what I decided to turn into a three-part series about the tangle of thoughts and emotions going on in my head, regarding both the situation everyone knows about, as well as life in general.
I have to provide a bit of context for this first. I am in a very good mood right now. Things are getting back on track, and I'm really not to worried about much. However, I feel it is important to acknowledge that much more has gone on in my mind than pain and suffering. There has been anger, blame, arrogance, and many other things. Also, this one is going to go on for a while, cause I'm still in a writing kind of mood.
Right before I started my month-long exile, Tavis and I had a conversation about what I thought my chances were, and was I worried about any competition. I laughed and stated that if Jason (yes I know, but if you look at how things were, it made sense in a 'holy shit that'd be stupid but not surprising' kind of way) was the only person to worry about, then it was a cakewalk. Tavis warned me not to be overconfident, which is amusing given the nature of so many of our conversations. Now given the width and breadth of my failures, one might wonder how I could hold any level of confidence. This is where my mind does something strange. Any lack of confidence I have has nothing to do with myself. My lack of confidence is in other people, specifically that most people are not capable of realizing just what I am. This can be seen in some degree in the amount of people that have claimed me as one of their closest or even best friend. A leap is required between friendship and anything else, and I doubt the ability of most people to accomplish it. Now that's not to say I'm without fault, far from it. But I know damn well what I am, and from the conceited part of my mind that I choose to suppress most of the time, the only way to describe it is 'better than other people.'
As for anger, there are three parts to it. I am angry at myself for what can be summed up as 'losing my objectivity.' Unfortunately another way to phrase it could be 'having a soul,' as looking at things subjectively is completely normal. I am what I am, and from time to time, see what I want to see.
The second bit of anger is at Katelyn. Like I said before, managing to convince me, your best friend, most of our coworkers, and the majority of my non-work friends, that something was happening, I can't even begin to understand. I know it wasn't on purpose, which is a big reason I can move on, but seriously, holy shit. Since the topic comes up many times each day at work, I have managed to piece together what I believe to be the majority of how this caught on. While I was on vacation, about the only times I saw work friends, we were together. While not helpful, that wasn't the big issue. Talking about me to everyone was. Perhaps there are lessons to be learned here. Also, this may seem like an odd way to air these grievances, but my logic is simple. Once I post this, I'm done worrying about it. No more conversations, no more worries, simply back to where we were. If through nothing but sheer force of will, I am over this.
Oh yeah, the third outlet for my anger. This one is blatantly illogical, but also the one that I enjoy the most. The only reason I'm not going to say the name is because I don't feel it is fair to call someone out on here that I don't actually know. All I can say is that I have no need for him to be my friend. And since he is technically not my coworker I don't have to deal with him professionally either. So while he has not actually wronged me, I take a perverse joy in being angry at him. A person can move on and still be a little jealous can't they, lol.
No Shaun, I'm not jealous of you.
Damn it, now I can't stop laughing.
So another part of Saturday's conversation that I want to talk about is regarding the future. I mentioned that the probable outcome would be they go and do their thing, we hang out less and less, and eventually she will be weaned off of me, for lack of a better phrase. I have had this happen before, so I simply consider it one of the many ways the world can work. Now the look on her face essentially said, 'no, that's not how I want it to be.' I didn't say it then, but I have always had an opinion on this sort of thing. Now, the following assumes that you can quantify happiness, as laid out in my highly scientific paper (still being written) tentatively titled "The Laws of Universal Happiness With Regards to an Equalibrium State in both Small and Large Samples," soon to be published in some well-regarded journal of note.
It begins with person 1 deriving X amount of happiness from person 2, and Y amount of happiness from person 3. At the start, X > Y. Now if for every amount you lower X, you are able to get twice as the amount added to Y, doesn't it make sense to go with Y? You are all lucky that I can't write in scientific notation using this text box. I have a big equation, and its awesome. Who said calculus never does anything for you after college?
To tie all my writings of the past few days together I would say this. I don't know specifically what it is that makes me the friend that I am. I have my ideas, but I suspect that it is difficult to put into words. Of course a part of me wishes things would have worked out differently, but if what I come out of this with is a friendship with someone who, despite their mistakes, loves me completely and totally, can I truly complain? Well, maybe I'll complain some, but I've earned that right. However when I look around me I know that I have near me some of the most loyal, caring, kind people that anyone could be lucky to have. Even if my time with them is limited, I'm am still a better person for the experience, and hopefully vice versa.
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
Do You Need Some Time...On Your Own?
Do you need some time...all alone? Everybody needs some time...on their own.
Don't you know you need some time...all alone?
I know its hard, to keep an open heart, when even friends seem out to harm you.
But if you could heal a broken heart, wouldn't time be out to charm you?
And when your fears subside, and shadows still remain, oh yeahhhh.
I know that you can love me, when there's no one left to blame.
So never mind the darkness, we still can find a way.
Cause nothing lasts forever, even cold November rain.
'November Rain' - Guns N' Roses
So Monday I made a decision regarding what to do next to stabilize things. I'm simply going to flip a switch and move on. Some have wondered why in the hell I'm even trying. My answer is simple. When you have seen the things that I have, you tend to put an incredibly high price on friendship. Now I'm the first to admit that if you fuck me over, then it is going to take nothing short of a miracle to get you back into my good graces, and even then, it will likely lack the trust that may have once existed. However no one tried to wrong me here. Now that's not to say that something exceedingly stupid didn't occur. I have to believe that after convincing me and nearly 40 of my closest friends, it is possible that perhaps this wasn't just an error in judgement on my part. But fuck it, none of this changes that I have been quite happy the past few months. While things may not have worked out as anticipated, should that cheapen the experience at all? I believe not. And so I made it clear as I left work, "We'll be fine, I promise." So the question is, how easy will this be? Its these moments where my memory is a curse, because there are those couple things that really stand out that are impossible to forget.
During Katelyn and my conversation on Saturday, the topic of my issues with Alex came up, specifically how was it compared to the problems this time. I couldn't really compare the two, and as such said that they were simply different. Last year's events had so many people hurting each other that it was a bit more complex. It was also somewhat easier to get over because at the end, I was simply angry. The funny part is that I wasn't angry due to anything involving my failures. At that point I could almost have said that I had totally moved on. In fact I think back to that night at Dante's when I found out that Shaun thought I hated him. I turned around, got his attention, and said that I didn't hate him, any problems I had were with Alex, and her alone. It came down to one of the topics that, if his story was accurate, even pissed Tavis off on my behalf. And that's coming from someone who on at least two seperate occasions during the whole thing, I seriously considered harming.
So back to the point, friendship. I have lost the vast majority of my close friends over the years, in quite a few cases after what would be considered unpleasant events. I have also had people who I couldn't stand turn into someone who I trust highly. The common thread is that it is the good times with the people we are close to that help define us. And sometimes no matter how big the problem, it can be overcome. I mean, my best friend in high school other than Steve, Kathy, stopped talking to me for over a year and a half, right after utterly shattering my heart. Yet a time came for reconciliation, because no matter what, we still had the good times to share, and a few more still to have. Now just because we haven't spoken in at least two or three years doesn't change that, because simply growing apart is another beast entirely. So back to this past weekend...no matter how much these mistakes may have hurt, I can't help but think of work on Sunday. I came in and found out just how little our conversation helped, as word on the street was that she still thought she'd lost me as a friend. When you look at that, or the description of me in her writings (though seriously...what was that package/openbox analogy?), you start to understand why I can live with fixing things.
So while I'm at it, I'm gonna spend some time this week with a bunch of people that I haven't recently. It'll be nice to rekindle some relationships that have perhaps fallen by the wayside. Because despite my diatribe against all those at work that pissed me off, there are still a great many there that are very important to me.
And now I leave you with three final observations. First, shouldn't these blogs have something marking as whether they are public, friend, or preferred? I recently found out that one that I was reading was preferred, and had there been any reason for me to talk about it with someone, would have had no clue that they weren't able to read it. Second, it strikes me as ironic (in a funny way) that nearly all my blogs are commented on by the two people that so many of them are written about. This is why I'm starting to change my policy of not putting names in these. May as well get to have my fun too, lol! And third...Criminal by Fionna Apple is such a good song. Yeah, I said it.
Don't you know you need some time...all alone?
I know its hard, to keep an open heart, when even friends seem out to harm you.
But if you could heal a broken heart, wouldn't time be out to charm you?
And when your fears subside, and shadows still remain, oh yeahhhh.
I know that you can love me, when there's no one left to blame.
So never mind the darkness, we still can find a way.
Cause nothing lasts forever, even cold November rain.
'November Rain' - Guns N' Roses
So Monday I made a decision regarding what to do next to stabilize things. I'm simply going to flip a switch and move on. Some have wondered why in the hell I'm even trying. My answer is simple. When you have seen the things that I have, you tend to put an incredibly high price on friendship. Now I'm the first to admit that if you fuck me over, then it is going to take nothing short of a miracle to get you back into my good graces, and even then, it will likely lack the trust that may have once existed. However no one tried to wrong me here. Now that's not to say that something exceedingly stupid didn't occur. I have to believe that after convincing me and nearly 40 of my closest friends, it is possible that perhaps this wasn't just an error in judgement on my part. But fuck it, none of this changes that I have been quite happy the past few months. While things may not have worked out as anticipated, should that cheapen the experience at all? I believe not. And so I made it clear as I left work, "We'll be fine, I promise." So the question is, how easy will this be? Its these moments where my memory is a curse, because there are those couple things that really stand out that are impossible to forget.
During Katelyn and my conversation on Saturday, the topic of my issues with Alex came up, specifically how was it compared to the problems this time. I couldn't really compare the two, and as such said that they were simply different. Last year's events had so many people hurting each other that it was a bit more complex. It was also somewhat easier to get over because at the end, I was simply angry. The funny part is that I wasn't angry due to anything involving my failures. At that point I could almost have said that I had totally moved on. In fact I think back to that night at Dante's when I found out that Shaun thought I hated him. I turned around, got his attention, and said that I didn't hate him, any problems I had were with Alex, and her alone. It came down to one of the topics that, if his story was accurate, even pissed Tavis off on my behalf. And that's coming from someone who on at least two seperate occasions during the whole thing, I seriously considered harming.
So back to the point, friendship. I have lost the vast majority of my close friends over the years, in quite a few cases after what would be considered unpleasant events. I have also had people who I couldn't stand turn into someone who I trust highly. The common thread is that it is the good times with the people we are close to that help define us. And sometimes no matter how big the problem, it can be overcome. I mean, my best friend in high school other than Steve, Kathy, stopped talking to me for over a year and a half, right after utterly shattering my heart. Yet a time came for reconciliation, because no matter what, we still had the good times to share, and a few more still to have. Now just because we haven't spoken in at least two or three years doesn't change that, because simply growing apart is another beast entirely. So back to this past weekend...no matter how much these mistakes may have hurt, I can't help but think of work on Sunday. I came in and found out just how little our conversation helped, as word on the street was that she still thought she'd lost me as a friend. When you look at that, or the description of me in her writings (though seriously...what was that package/openbox analogy?), you start to understand why I can live with fixing things.
So while I'm at it, I'm gonna spend some time this week with a bunch of people that I haven't recently. It'll be nice to rekindle some relationships that have perhaps fallen by the wayside. Because despite my diatribe against all those at work that pissed me off, there are still a great many there that are very important to me.
And now I leave you with three final observations. First, shouldn't these blogs have something marking as whether they are public, friend, or preferred? I recently found out that one that I was reading was preferred, and had there been any reason for me to talk about it with someone, would have had no clue that they weren't able to read it. Second, it strikes me as ironic (in a funny way) that nearly all my blogs are commented on by the two people that so many of them are written about. This is why I'm starting to change my policy of not putting names in these. May as well get to have my fun too, lol! And third...Criminal by Fionna Apple is such a good song. Yeah, I said it.
Saturday, May 3, 2008
If Only I Knew What I Know I’d Make It a Point to Say So
To everyone that got me here, and everyone that made it.
Clear I was dead wrong all along, you said it for my sake.
That I would not lose my way, when I was astray.
I'm doing the best that I could, trying my best to be understood.
Maybe I'm changing slowly. I get out, turn around, if only...
'Dead Wrong' - The Fray
Well, at least most everything has been said now. What disappoints me most is that, as the intro said, I was dead wrong. It is one thing for it to have just not worked, it is another for it to have never been a possiblitity to begin with. If I had just remembered that single fact that my nearly 25 years has taught me, I could have avoided this. And no, I'm not going to tell you what that fact is, because honestly, it is so obscenely depressing that I do not wish to share it.
And as I attempt to make myself whole for the 2nd time in the past year, I am forced to also look very closely at the people I call 'friend.' The fact that so many of you will be pleased at what is happening disturbs me. I get that you don't like her, fine, not my problem. But to know that the same events that caused me pain will bring you happiness, or at least relief, saddens me even more. Let me spell it out clearly for all of you. I was happy. Pure and simple, the things that I can't explain are the things that happened when it was just us, and unfortunately no one cares, they just wanted her gone.
Despite how hard it is right now, I suppose it could have been worse. Knowing now that there was never anything there, it means that I came inches away from making a fatal mistake just a couple of weeks ago. Standing by the stove, finishing our baking project. You turned once to give me something, and I almost turned you around again for something else. Only the bit of doubt (that was rightfully there), and the fact that I don't know how to do that stopped me. And yes, feel free to laugh everyone, god knows you are already.
There is no reason I shouldn't be able to get past this. I've done it before and I can do it again. I mean I can look at Alex and feel absolutely nothing, except perhaps a twinge of regret at how much we've grown apart. Katelyn and I at least had a conversation, which if we're lucky will be enough to help things out. And perhaps just letting it out would be good too. When I got home I let out a single tear. Its not much, but as it has been years since I last cried. So like the conversation, I suppose its a start.
I also should probably stop punching things in the exact same spot where I broke my hand, back on that fateful night where I learned just how well Kara knows me.
Edit: Yet again I forgot something...After reading a book recently, one far outside what I would normally read, I explained that I do not like books that are inundated with romance. Who now wants to guess why?
Clear I was dead wrong all along, you said it for my sake.
That I would not lose my way, when I was astray.
I'm doing the best that I could, trying my best to be understood.
Maybe I'm changing slowly. I get out, turn around, if only...
'Dead Wrong' - The Fray
Well, at least most everything has been said now. What disappoints me most is that, as the intro said, I was dead wrong. It is one thing for it to have just not worked, it is another for it to have never been a possiblitity to begin with. If I had just remembered that single fact that my nearly 25 years has taught me, I could have avoided this. And no, I'm not going to tell you what that fact is, because honestly, it is so obscenely depressing that I do not wish to share it.
And as I attempt to make myself whole for the 2nd time in the past year, I am forced to also look very closely at the people I call 'friend.' The fact that so many of you will be pleased at what is happening disturbs me. I get that you don't like her, fine, not my problem. But to know that the same events that caused me pain will bring you happiness, or at least relief, saddens me even more. Let me spell it out clearly for all of you. I was happy. Pure and simple, the things that I can't explain are the things that happened when it was just us, and unfortunately no one cares, they just wanted her gone.
Despite how hard it is right now, I suppose it could have been worse. Knowing now that there was never anything there, it means that I came inches away from making a fatal mistake just a couple of weeks ago. Standing by the stove, finishing our baking project. You turned once to give me something, and I almost turned you around again for something else. Only the bit of doubt (that was rightfully there), and the fact that I don't know how to do that stopped me. And yes, feel free to laugh everyone, god knows you are already.
There is no reason I shouldn't be able to get past this. I've done it before and I can do it again. I mean I can look at Alex and feel absolutely nothing, except perhaps a twinge of regret at how much we've grown apart. Katelyn and I at least had a conversation, which if we're lucky will be enough to help things out. And perhaps just letting it out would be good too. When I got home I let out a single tear. Its not much, but as it has been years since I last cried. So like the conversation, I suppose its a start.
I also should probably stop punching things in the exact same spot where I broke my hand, back on that fateful night where I learned just how well Kara knows me.
Edit: Yet again I forgot something...After reading a book recently, one far outside what I would normally read, I explained that I do not like books that are inundated with romance. Who now wants to guess why?
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Somebody’s Gonna Hurt Somebody Before the Night is Through
Somebody's gonna come undone, there's nothing we can do.
Everybody wants to touch somebody, if it takes all night.
Everybody wants to take a little chance, make it come out right.
There's gonna be a heartache tonight, a heartache tonight, I know.
There's gonna be a heartache tonight, I know, Lord, I know.
'Heartache Tonight' - The Eagles
Well, if the answer isn't blatantly obvious, then please stop reading and bludgeon yourself with something nearby. It'd be nice if everyone that is going to ask questions would just read this, have their answer, and let it die, but that will not be the case. I expect to come into work tomorrow and be bombarded with the same questions I have been for the past three months. At least those of you that hate her can take solace that I'm not about to do something you think is stupid, as though I give a damn what you have to say at this point. One has to wonder, is it self-fulfilling prophecy, my ability to be almost always right (I had doubts for a reason...), or simply what happens when one tries to play a game that they don't understand.
I suppose I can comfort myself knowing that at least I tried in a way I hadn't before. I started this off by straight up asking her out, and I still deny that it is my fault that she didn't get my intentions. Now any lack of sparks after that (though I still don't know if they were wanted or not), well that is my complete inability to know what to do when the time strikes. As for that issue that sprang up that surprised me about the thing that would stop it that I couldn't control? Well that was my age, and in retrospect, that excuse was complete and utter bullshit. No matter, still gonna have to finish the conversation, cause god knows I wasn't through, and I doubt you were either.
Ya know what though, its all ok. I've got three girls that love me unconditionally, and I could use some more time to spend with them. In fact one has somehow learned to type at the ripe old age of one month, as evidenced by her commentary on previous blogs. The other two I haven't seen in far too long (ok, all three of you I haven't seen, but Kyle, you don't work as an appropriate example here :P)
On a side note, the other option for title of this was from 'Come Sail Away' by Styx, because it would be fitting for myself, the Captain of the S.S. Failboat. Yes, that was meant to be self-deprecating, don't feel guilty for laughing.
Edit: Something that I thought of after I was done. I write about the failures that mean something, because they are generally important events in the going-ons of my life. What you don't see or hear, as I generally don't even bring them up, are the smaller failures, the ones involving people I may barely know, the ones we all have in the course of our efforts. Know that my dry streaks in either method are equal in there immensity. My point is, don't for a moment believe that the two people I've written about during the past year are by any means the only ones with whom nothing has happened. They are just the ones that stick with me. You can't assume anything about who or what I'm looking for, or how my approaches tend to be, from those limited examples.
Everybody wants to touch somebody, if it takes all night.
Everybody wants to take a little chance, make it come out right.
There's gonna be a heartache tonight, a heartache tonight, I know.
There's gonna be a heartache tonight, I know, Lord, I know.
'Heartache Tonight' - The Eagles
Well, if the answer isn't blatantly obvious, then please stop reading and bludgeon yourself with something nearby. It'd be nice if everyone that is going to ask questions would just read this, have their answer, and let it die, but that will not be the case. I expect to come into work tomorrow and be bombarded with the same questions I have been for the past three months. At least those of you that hate her can take solace that I'm not about to do something you think is stupid, as though I give a damn what you have to say at this point. One has to wonder, is it self-fulfilling prophecy, my ability to be almost always right (I had doubts for a reason...), or simply what happens when one tries to play a game that they don't understand.
I suppose I can comfort myself knowing that at least I tried in a way I hadn't before. I started this off by straight up asking her out, and I still deny that it is my fault that she didn't get my intentions. Now any lack of sparks after that (though I still don't know if they were wanted or not), well that is my complete inability to know what to do when the time strikes. As for that issue that sprang up that surprised me about the thing that would stop it that I couldn't control? Well that was my age, and in retrospect, that excuse was complete and utter bullshit. No matter, still gonna have to finish the conversation, cause god knows I wasn't through, and I doubt you were either.
Ya know what though, its all ok. I've got three girls that love me unconditionally, and I could use some more time to spend with them. In fact one has somehow learned to type at the ripe old age of one month, as evidenced by her commentary on previous blogs. The other two I haven't seen in far too long (ok, all three of you I haven't seen, but Kyle, you don't work as an appropriate example here :P)
On a side note, the other option for title of this was from 'Come Sail Away' by Styx, because it would be fitting for myself, the Captain of the S.S. Failboat. Yes, that was meant to be self-deprecating, don't feel guilty for laughing.
Edit: Something that I thought of after I was done. I write about the failures that mean something, because they are generally important events in the going-ons of my life. What you don't see or hear, as I generally don't even bring them up, are the smaller failures, the ones involving people I may barely know, the ones we all have in the course of our efforts. Know that my dry streaks in either method are equal in there immensity. My point is, don't for a moment believe that the two people I've written about during the past year are by any means the only ones with whom nothing has happened. They are just the ones that stick with me. You can't assume anything about who or what I'm looking for, or how my approaches tend to be, from those limited examples.
Sunday, April 27, 2008
I Don't Know Why You Want to Follow Me Tonight
When the rest of the world, with whom I've crossed and I've quarreled,
Let's me down so, for a thousand reasons that I know.
To share forever the unrest, with all the demons I possess,
Beneath the silver moon.
Maybe you were right, but baby I was lonely.
I don't want to fight, I'm tired of being sorry.
Chandler and Van Nuys, with all the vampires and their brides.
We're all bloodless and blind, and longing for a life,
Beyond the silver moon.
'Tired of Being Sorry' - Ringside
(From the soundtrack that is Best Buy Radio, my first month there)
"Not once has anyone said I'm out of my fucking mind." As it turns out, it is being said, but not to my face. It is being talked about, apparently at length. And now I'm left to figure out who all was prepared to stand against me, but remain silent until the time arrived. I seek this information not to exact punishment, but to explain myself, as apparently I need to do. The people whom I choose to associate with, among other things, are trusted to provide me counsel. Now when and under what circumstances that counsel is to be provided is not negotiable. It can be given all the time. I understand that many may not feel comfortable saying the truth to my face, in an attempt not to hurt me. However wouldn't the consequences of saying nothing be far greater?
Last year, people had less of a problem telling me that what I was doing was only going to end with me getting hurt. In fact I didn't listen to those warnings as much as I should of. So it is only fair that I am surprised now that no one has spoken up. I suppose my biggest defense to people saying that I've headed down the wrong path both times, is that you have never saw what it was that made me go there. Perhaps I am a man of simple pleasures, but I am drawn to things that make me happy, as I would think most of us are. I think back to last year, one day in particular that I wrote about shortly after it happened. There was in that one day, so many different kinds of happiness, that it completely undid the progress I'd made in moving on, and reminded me why I had picked that path. All of that happened in one place, and all of that now exists only in my memory, as I can say with a fair amount of certainty that the other party has long forgotten it. I suppose it is that thought that helped me understand one of the many reasons it would have never worked.
I mention that now because it is from the evidence of things not seen by everyone else (and some things that have been seen I suppose) that I have had my moments of happiness lately. I understand that people disagree with my plans. To be perfectly honest, I've had more than my share of second thoughts lately, and have been pretty damned close to just throwing in the towel. But whenever I have them, they tend to be immediately followed by a moment that reminds me how it started.
So what would you all have me do? I have no illusions as to my ability to please everyone, in fact I have no desire to do so. I feel as though I'm on top of a sharp precipice. If I fall one way, I may lose many, but how much do they really care if they would leave me under those circumstances? If I fall the other way, I lose something that I probably don't even have and may have even been ready to give up to begin with. The third option is to impale myself upon the precipice. That seems like a mighty fine option right now.
My friends, I ask only this of you. Please, please, please, tell me the truth now. How bad has this actually gotten? Is it so bad as to cause you to forsake me, as was said to me tonight? I've lost many people before this, and am sure to lose many in the future. If I am to lose many now, I'd at least like some warning.
P.S. - To those friends that predate my current employer, this is not for you, so calm down.
Let's me down so, for a thousand reasons that I know.
To share forever the unrest, with all the demons I possess,
Beneath the silver moon.
Maybe you were right, but baby I was lonely.
I don't want to fight, I'm tired of being sorry.
Chandler and Van Nuys, with all the vampires and their brides.
We're all bloodless and blind, and longing for a life,
Beyond the silver moon.
'Tired of Being Sorry' - Ringside
(From the soundtrack that is Best Buy Radio, my first month there)
"Not once has anyone said I'm out of my fucking mind." As it turns out, it is being said, but not to my face. It is being talked about, apparently at length. And now I'm left to figure out who all was prepared to stand against me, but remain silent until the time arrived. I seek this information not to exact punishment, but to explain myself, as apparently I need to do. The people whom I choose to associate with, among other things, are trusted to provide me counsel. Now when and under what circumstances that counsel is to be provided is not negotiable. It can be given all the time. I understand that many may not feel comfortable saying the truth to my face, in an attempt not to hurt me. However wouldn't the consequences of saying nothing be far greater?
Last year, people had less of a problem telling me that what I was doing was only going to end with me getting hurt. In fact I didn't listen to those warnings as much as I should of. So it is only fair that I am surprised now that no one has spoken up. I suppose my biggest defense to people saying that I've headed down the wrong path both times, is that you have never saw what it was that made me go there. Perhaps I am a man of simple pleasures, but I am drawn to things that make me happy, as I would think most of us are. I think back to last year, one day in particular that I wrote about shortly after it happened. There was in that one day, so many different kinds of happiness, that it completely undid the progress I'd made in moving on, and reminded me why I had picked that path. All of that happened in one place, and all of that now exists only in my memory, as I can say with a fair amount of certainty that the other party has long forgotten it. I suppose it is that thought that helped me understand one of the many reasons it would have never worked.
I mention that now because it is from the evidence of things not seen by everyone else (and some things that have been seen I suppose) that I have had my moments of happiness lately. I understand that people disagree with my plans. To be perfectly honest, I've had more than my share of second thoughts lately, and have been pretty damned close to just throwing in the towel. But whenever I have them, they tend to be immediately followed by a moment that reminds me how it started.
So what would you all have me do? I have no illusions as to my ability to please everyone, in fact I have no desire to do so. I feel as though I'm on top of a sharp precipice. If I fall one way, I may lose many, but how much do they really care if they would leave me under those circumstances? If I fall the other way, I lose something that I probably don't even have and may have even been ready to give up to begin with. The third option is to impale myself upon the precipice. That seems like a mighty fine option right now.
My friends, I ask only this of you. Please, please, please, tell me the truth now. How bad has this actually gotten? Is it so bad as to cause you to forsake me, as was said to me tonight? I've lost many people before this, and am sure to lose many in the future. If I am to lose many now, I'd at least like some warning.
P.S. - To those friends that predate my current employer, this is not for you, so calm down.
Friday, April 25, 2008
And I Forget Just What It Takes, And Yet I Guess It Makes Me Smile
I found its hard, its hard to find, oh well, whatever, nevermind.
'Smells Like Teen Spirit' - Nirvana
And offhand remark earlier today from someone I hardly know kind of put me on edge. There are only two reasons that someone outside my normal group of confidants would have reason to comment on my predicament. Either they have witnessed first-hand the way things are going, or it has been a topic of discussion with those who have spoken with me. Now I don't really take issue with the rumor mill at work, as it is mostly irrelevant to me. Despite my cryptic form of writing, I am mostly an open book, I just prefer that people ask if they want specifics, rather than throwing out all the truth in these pages.
However as I consider everything I can't help but wonder something. Given the considerable quantity of people who know, who out there would stop me? Recently my status showed me as "Stinger is wondering how three or four dozen people can be wrong." This stemmed from a random thought I had about all the people (and that number is not an exaggeration) who have commented or questioned me. In all these conversations, not once has anyone said "You are out of your fucking mind." I think the closest to that was Steve, and even he censored his response to some degree, as I learned later.
I don't even know what my point is here. Maybe I'm just questioning everything, as usual. I guess I am just wondering what this has been, and what this shall be. The only piece of slightly hard evidence was a comment passed onto me mere hours before I pulled the trigger again. And yet it is only slightly more solid than all that I have seen with my own eyes. Unfortunately my vision is not so good, both physically and metaphorically. I think I need to get out of the house for a few, maybe clear my head a bit.
Oh yeah, one last note. So while writing this, I was going to reference something I wrote about long ago. While I couldn't find it, it led me to reread some old entries. Doing that reminded me of something, something I don't think enough of you, particularly those who read these often, don't truly appreciate. I am apparently completely insane. One person referred to my entries as 'deep,' which I suppose could be true. Another has referred to me as 'angsty.' Given my vague musings, I suppose that is fitting. Again, I don't know where I'm going with this...bye.
'Smells Like Teen Spirit' - Nirvana
And offhand remark earlier today from someone I hardly know kind of put me on edge. There are only two reasons that someone outside my normal group of confidants would have reason to comment on my predicament. Either they have witnessed first-hand the way things are going, or it has been a topic of discussion with those who have spoken with me. Now I don't really take issue with the rumor mill at work, as it is mostly irrelevant to me. Despite my cryptic form of writing, I am mostly an open book, I just prefer that people ask if they want specifics, rather than throwing out all the truth in these pages.
However as I consider everything I can't help but wonder something. Given the considerable quantity of people who know, who out there would stop me? Recently my status showed me as "Stinger is wondering how three or four dozen people can be wrong." This stemmed from a random thought I had about all the people (and that number is not an exaggeration) who have commented or questioned me. In all these conversations, not once has anyone said "You are out of your fucking mind." I think the closest to that was Steve, and even he censored his response to some degree, as I learned later.
I don't even know what my point is here. Maybe I'm just questioning everything, as usual. I guess I am just wondering what this has been, and what this shall be. The only piece of slightly hard evidence was a comment passed onto me mere hours before I pulled the trigger again. And yet it is only slightly more solid than all that I have seen with my own eyes. Unfortunately my vision is not so good, both physically and metaphorically. I think I need to get out of the house for a few, maybe clear my head a bit.
Oh yeah, one last note. So while writing this, I was going to reference something I wrote about long ago. While I couldn't find it, it led me to reread some old entries. Doing that reminded me of something, something I don't think enough of you, particularly those who read these often, don't truly appreciate. I am apparently completely insane. One person referred to my entries as 'deep,' which I suppose could be true. Another has referred to me as 'angsty.' Given my vague musings, I suppose that is fitting. Again, I don't know where I'm going with this...bye.
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
She's Got a Smile That It Seems to Me, Reminds Me of Childhood Memories
Where everything was as fresh as the bright blue sky.
Now and then when I see her face, she takes me away to that special place.
And if I’d stare to long, I’d probably break down and cry.
Ohhhh sweet child o’ mine, ohhhh sweet love of mine.
’Sweet Child O’ Mine’ - Guns N’ Roses
Leota Rose Mortimer
Born: April 1st, 2008 at 10:31 PDT
Weight: 8 pounds, 8 ounces
Length: 21 inches
I can’t even begin to put into words how I feel right now. After all the waiting, the worrying, everything, holding my goddaughter in my arms was something I simply don’t have words for. Hopefully this picture will do the job.
Now and then when I see her face, she takes me away to that special place.
And if I’d stare to long, I’d probably break down and cry.
Ohhhh sweet child o’ mine, ohhhh sweet love of mine.
’Sweet Child O’ Mine’ - Guns N’ Roses
Leota Rose Mortimer
Born: April 1st, 2008 at 10:31 PDT
Weight: 8 pounds, 8 ounces
Length: 21 inches
I can’t even begin to put into words how I feel right now. After all the waiting, the worrying, everything, holding my goddaughter in my arms was something I simply don’t have words for. Hopefully this picture will do the job.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Everytime That I Look in the Mirror, All These Lines On My Face Gettin' Clearer
The past is gone, it went by like dusk to dawn.
Isn’t that the way, everybody’s got their dues in life to pay.
I know what nobody knows, where it comes and where it goes.
I know its everbody’s sin, you got to lose to know how to win.
Half my life is in books written pages, live and learn from fools and from sages.
You know its true, all the things come back to you.
Sing with me, sing for the years, sing for the laughter, sing for the tears.
Sing with me, if its just for today, maybe tomorrow the good lord will take you away.
’Dream On’ - Aerosmith
Well now I’m completely out of ideas. I thought that for once the pieces had fallen into place. Its possible they still have, but the question is how hard can I fight for it without screwing things up. I think what will disappoint me most is if the thing that screwed me up, is something that I had literally no control over. Then again it was an issue to me at one time, and I got over it. However at the moment this looks to be a complete repeat of my last few tries. Hmmm...I suppose smarter people than I would have seen this coming.
At least tomorrow will bring good, though completely unrelated, news, and expect a phenomenally happy post talking about it.
Isn’t that the way, everybody’s got their dues in life to pay.
I know what nobody knows, where it comes and where it goes.
I know its everbody’s sin, you got to lose to know how to win.
Half my life is in books written pages, live and learn from fools and from sages.
You know its true, all the things come back to you.
Sing with me, sing for the years, sing for the laughter, sing for the tears.
Sing with me, if its just for today, maybe tomorrow the good lord will take you away.
’Dream On’ - Aerosmith
Well now I’m completely out of ideas. I thought that for once the pieces had fallen into place. Its possible they still have, but the question is how hard can I fight for it without screwing things up. I think what will disappoint me most is if the thing that screwed me up, is something that I had literally no control over. Then again it was an issue to me at one time, and I got over it. However at the moment this looks to be a complete repeat of my last few tries. Hmmm...I suppose smarter people than I would have seen this coming.
At least tomorrow will bring good, though completely unrelated, news, and expect a phenomenally happy post talking about it.
Sunday, March 16, 2008
I'm Runnin' Down a Dream, That Never Would've Come To Me
Workin’ on a mystery, goin’ wherever it leads.
’Runnin’ Down a Dream’ - Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers
Last night I found myself at Gabriel/Matt/Dan’s place for an appearance at their St. Patrick’s Day party. I find it interesting that I would find myself in that same place, one year to the day since my epic failure of ’07 started. And I am once again attempting to understand just what is going on with myself and those I spend my time with. On the one hand, I don’t want to read too much into the same actions that I did last time around, because that only ended in my getting hurt pretty damned badly. But there is something different this time, or so I’d like to believe. Maybe soon I can give a real answer to the 17 people who wanted to know what’s going on. In spite of the uncertainty, I have been enjoying trying to figure this one out. I haven’t put myself on the line yet, I’ve just been having fun and seeing where this road leads. Anyway, enough of that, it was just good to be out seeing everyone. I really have missed so many of you.
In fact it worked out well because I basically got to see everyone yesterday, as I spent the first part of my evening up at Matt and Emily’s. Just sittin around playing games and chillin with everyone was awesome. The only thing that would have made yesterday better would have been if I hadn’t contracted the Ebola virus. I am currently in that part of the process that invovles wrapping myself in blankets and being a whiny little bitch. I’m sure this was brought on due to my expelling all remaining energy last night, but you know what, it was worth it. Now I attempt to summon just a little more energy, as something has already gone amiss today, and I’m not sure yet how to fix it.
And by the way, remember to tune in next time, where I will likely be telling a story that invovles at least three government agencies that generally go by three-letter acronyms. It looks like my arch-nemesis has returned, and so help me god, he will pay for what he’s done this time. No, this is not a joke, crazy shit be happenin.
’Runnin’ Down a Dream’ - Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers
Last night I found myself at Gabriel/Matt/Dan’s place for an appearance at their St. Patrick’s Day party. I find it interesting that I would find myself in that same place, one year to the day since my epic failure of ’07 started. And I am once again attempting to understand just what is going on with myself and those I spend my time with. On the one hand, I don’t want to read too much into the same actions that I did last time around, because that only ended in my getting hurt pretty damned badly. But there is something different this time, or so I’d like to believe. Maybe soon I can give a real answer to the 17 people who wanted to know what’s going on. In spite of the uncertainty, I have been enjoying trying to figure this one out. I haven’t put myself on the line yet, I’ve just been having fun and seeing where this road leads. Anyway, enough of that, it was just good to be out seeing everyone. I really have missed so many of you.
In fact it worked out well because I basically got to see everyone yesterday, as I spent the first part of my evening up at Matt and Emily’s. Just sittin around playing games and chillin with everyone was awesome. The only thing that would have made yesterday better would have been if I hadn’t contracted the Ebola virus. I am currently in that part of the process that invovles wrapping myself in blankets and being a whiny little bitch. I’m sure this was brought on due to my expelling all remaining energy last night, but you know what, it was worth it. Now I attempt to summon just a little more energy, as something has already gone amiss today, and I’m not sure yet how to fix it.
And by the way, remember to tune in next time, where I will likely be telling a story that invovles at least three government agencies that generally go by three-letter acronyms. It looks like my arch-nemesis has returned, and so help me god, he will pay for what he’s done this time. No, this is not a joke, crazy shit be happenin.
Monday, March 3, 2008
If You Want My Body, And You Think I'm Sexy, Come On Sugar Let Me Know
If you really need me, just reach out and touch me,
Come on honey tell me so.
'Do You Think I'm Sexy' - Rod Stewart
I hope you enjoyed that opening as much as I enjoyed writing it. So a few weeks ago I downloaded every top 100 Billboard hit from 1970-2004, including such gems as the above. Every time I open the folder I find something new that either just makes me laugh or shake my head.
So to say that a few things are going on would be a massive understatement. I am currently in the process of moving ot Capitol Hill. This of course means that the party that was promised all those months ago will finally come to fruition. Stay tuned for more details.
This move is going to be easier than most as I don't have to work while doing so. Things at work hit an all-time low, and while most are already aware, finally led to me being put on a final written warning (read: very bad), removed from my position, and now taking a vacation for a month or so. If everything goes as planned, I will find a new job once the move is done, and I will never step foot in that godforsaken place again. Hell, if things got so bad in the 48 hours after I left Friday as I have been led to believe, than I hope all of you reading this are able to escape as well.
As I tried to say, unsuccessfully I suppose, in my last blog, all of these things are positives, or will be positive once resolved. Makes me very interested to see how things will be this time next month. New house, new job, maybe more...who knows on that last point. I am putting a pretty decent amount of effort into my current pursuit, but the results have been, confusing to say the least. Well, more on that another time I suppose.
So last weekend my mom moved to Seattle (well, Federal Way, but whatever). Given how close we are, its nice to have her nearby again. It is funny to me though that after she told me what she'd been doing up here, my mind immediately threw out a 'worst-case scenario.' She has worked security at a decomissioned nuclear power plant, the Port of Longview, and now, the Port of Seattle. For some reason the first two (ok, just the first one, not much danger to be had in Longview) never really phased me. However now that she is a supervisor of container security (you know, the giant cargo boxes?), I actually did a double take, thinking that 'wow, she's really into some crazy shit.'
The only bad thing going on right now is some conflict between friends, that no one is quite sure how to deal with. Even now, I don't really know what to even write about it. I suppose bluntness is all that is required. Look for fireworks after the move is done, as despite my wanting to get everyone to shut the hell up, I'm not willing to deal with it while doing the move.
In another odd development, a very stupid person is attempting to weasel their way back into my family's lives. Most people I know now aren't familiar with the story of Rob Mallis, formerly my father's friend, formerly my mom's boyfriend, formerly my Aunt's husband, formerly the step-dad of the children I consider to be my own. You will notice a pattern there. Every one of those situations ended badly. I have had the distinct pleasure of having had no contact with him for a few years. However last night he attempted to use this very site to get in contact with Jessica, the one of the kids who hated him the most. For some reason, the story that comes to mind involves his eldest son, who for a time lived with the kids. He was involved in various drugs, which he decided to bring into the house. Now I generally leave people to their own devices on such things, but his actions were endangering my kids, so I informed him that my actions would very quickly be endangering him. Fortunately in that case my warnings were heeded. This time the sins of the father may be what provokes me.
Come on honey tell me so.
'Do You Think I'm Sexy' - Rod Stewart
I hope you enjoyed that opening as much as I enjoyed writing it. So a few weeks ago I downloaded every top 100 Billboard hit from 1970-2004, including such gems as the above. Every time I open the folder I find something new that either just makes me laugh or shake my head.
So to say that a few things are going on would be a massive understatement. I am currently in the process of moving ot Capitol Hill. This of course means that the party that was promised all those months ago will finally come to fruition. Stay tuned for more details.
This move is going to be easier than most as I don't have to work while doing so. Things at work hit an all-time low, and while most are already aware, finally led to me being put on a final written warning (read: very bad), removed from my position, and now taking a vacation for a month or so. If everything goes as planned, I will find a new job once the move is done, and I will never step foot in that godforsaken place again. Hell, if things got so bad in the 48 hours after I left Friday as I have been led to believe, than I hope all of you reading this are able to escape as well.
As I tried to say, unsuccessfully I suppose, in my last blog, all of these things are positives, or will be positive once resolved. Makes me very interested to see how things will be this time next month. New house, new job, maybe more...who knows on that last point. I am putting a pretty decent amount of effort into my current pursuit, but the results have been, confusing to say the least. Well, more on that another time I suppose.
So last weekend my mom moved to Seattle (well, Federal Way, but whatever). Given how close we are, its nice to have her nearby again. It is funny to me though that after she told me what she'd been doing up here, my mind immediately threw out a 'worst-case scenario.' She has worked security at a decomissioned nuclear power plant, the Port of Longview, and now, the Port of Seattle. For some reason the first two (ok, just the first one, not much danger to be had in Longview) never really phased me. However now that she is a supervisor of container security (you know, the giant cargo boxes?), I actually did a double take, thinking that 'wow, she's really into some crazy shit.'
The only bad thing going on right now is some conflict between friends, that no one is quite sure how to deal with. Even now, I don't really know what to even write about it. I suppose bluntness is all that is required. Look for fireworks after the move is done, as despite my wanting to get everyone to shut the hell up, I'm not willing to deal with it while doing the move.
In another odd development, a very stupid person is attempting to weasel their way back into my family's lives. Most people I know now aren't familiar with the story of Rob Mallis, formerly my father's friend, formerly my mom's boyfriend, formerly my Aunt's husband, formerly the step-dad of the children I consider to be my own. You will notice a pattern there. Every one of those situations ended badly. I have had the distinct pleasure of having had no contact with him for a few years. However last night he attempted to use this very site to get in contact with Jessica, the one of the kids who hated him the most. For some reason, the story that comes to mind involves his eldest son, who for a time lived with the kids. He was involved in various drugs, which he decided to bring into the house. Now I generally leave people to their own devices on such things, but his actions were endangering my kids, so I informed him that my actions would very quickly be endangering him. Fortunately in that case my warnings were heeded. This time the sins of the father may be what provokes me.
Saturday, February 2, 2008
I'm Not Calling For a Second Chance, I'm Screaming at the Top of My Lungs
Give me reason, but don't give me choice,
Cause I'll just make the same mistake again.
'Same Mistake - James Blunt
I seem to be having a bit of deja vu. As I write this, we are looking for a new house, yet again. This will be the fourth place in seven months. I'm a bit amused by the fact that I have felt no anger over this. I have predicted since the day that our landlord said we could only sign a six-month lease, that there was trouble afoot. Indeed she is selling the house, and we now have less than four weeks to leave. I still think this will lead to an even better living arrangement, and that we will end up being even better off, even if temporarily inconvenienced.
On the work front, well, I'm completely fed up. After completely driving myself into the ground since last August, I find that the work I do is underappreciated, for the sake of brevity. I could go on and on about why, but most everyone has heard me rant and rave about it. However even this is alright, as I believe that whatever I am forced to do in looking for a different position/job, things will be better.
As for everything else, I just don't know. I have, for god only knows what reason, taken advice from those that I said I wouldn't ever again. I guess its not so bad this time as I really have nothing to lose, but even so, I think my gut feeling remains accurate. To all those at work Friday morning, mostly from Product Process and Media...yeah, I don't generally have these conversations because now, 47 different people are going to ask me the same thing, and upon reply, will attempt to dispense advice that is probably not terribly useful (no offense). I mean its nice that people are so interested in my...well being...but it doesn't make it any less annoying at times.
On the completely positive side, in spite of the speed bumps, I'm thoroughly enjoying most everything right now.
Cause I'll just make the same mistake again.
'Same Mistake - James Blunt
I seem to be having a bit of deja vu. As I write this, we are looking for a new house, yet again. This will be the fourth place in seven months. I'm a bit amused by the fact that I have felt no anger over this. I have predicted since the day that our landlord said we could only sign a six-month lease, that there was trouble afoot. Indeed she is selling the house, and we now have less than four weeks to leave. I still think this will lead to an even better living arrangement, and that we will end up being even better off, even if temporarily inconvenienced.
On the work front, well, I'm completely fed up. After completely driving myself into the ground since last August, I find that the work I do is underappreciated, for the sake of brevity. I could go on and on about why, but most everyone has heard me rant and rave about it. However even this is alright, as I believe that whatever I am forced to do in looking for a different position/job, things will be better.
As for everything else, I just don't know. I have, for god only knows what reason, taken advice from those that I said I wouldn't ever again. I guess its not so bad this time as I really have nothing to lose, but even so, I think my gut feeling remains accurate. To all those at work Friday morning, mostly from Product Process and Media...yeah, I don't generally have these conversations because now, 47 different people are going to ask me the same thing, and upon reply, will attempt to dispense advice that is probably not terribly useful (no offense). I mean its nice that people are so interested in my...well being...but it doesn't make it any less annoying at times.
On the completely positive side, in spite of the speed bumps, I'm thoroughly enjoying most everything right now.
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
And You Asked Me What I Want This Year
And I try to make this kind and clear,
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days.
'Cause I don't need boxes wrapped in strings,
And desire and love and empty things,
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days.
So take these words, and sing out loud,
'Cause everyone, is forgiven now,
'Cause tonight's the night the world begins again.
'Better Days' - Goo Goo Dolls
While there is inherently nothing different about this day and the ones preceeding it, I am, as I expected, feeling that things are headed in the right direction. The book on 2007 is closed. You will not find top ten lists, or a recount of that which happened, as if you are here, you probably already know what it would cover.
It has started off quite well. A nice night with friends, a surprise late night invitation, a decent day at work, and even a step toward reconciliation. I have no reason to think the rest of this week won't go just as well.
As for everyone else, I can only wish that you and yours are able to have as good of a 2008 as I expect to.
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days.
'Cause I don't need boxes wrapped in strings,
And desire and love and empty things,
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days.
So take these words, and sing out loud,
'Cause everyone, is forgiven now,
'Cause tonight's the night the world begins again.
'Better Days' - Goo Goo Dolls
While there is inherently nothing different about this day and the ones preceeding it, I am, as I expected, feeling that things are headed in the right direction. The book on 2007 is closed. You will not find top ten lists, or a recount of that which happened, as if you are here, you probably already know what it would cover.
It has started off quite well. A nice night with friends, a surprise late night invitation, a decent day at work, and even a step toward reconciliation. I have no reason to think the rest of this week won't go just as well.
As for everyone else, I can only wish that you and yours are able to have as good of a 2008 as I expect to.
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