Gone Quiet

Well, things are certainly better now than they have been in days previous. While I am still not in the best mood, I am at least back in control, relatively speaking. One thing that helped was finally having a talk with my best friend that was long overdue. We talked about the directions in which our lives were going, which was a bit more in depth for me because I had never told him that I intend to go into politics instead of computer science. That may seem strange since, hell, even everyone I work with knew, but it is basically because I figured he would be disappointed in me. I'm not sure I can completely explain that whole feeling, but he wasn't, so it doesn't matter. There were a great many other topics, many of which were in regards to why I was in such a horrible mood before, so it was nice to get so much off my chest.

Ya know, I think I should explain some of that a little more, since a great many of you aren't familiar with my backstory. I had planned since I was incredibly young that I would be in the computer industry, specifically in research and development. It was they way that I thought that I could best improve the lives of, well honestly, everyone. However when the time came to earn the degree that would get me there, I realized it wasn't what I wanted to do with my life. A truly humbling moment to be sure. Instead I realized that I can best affect change in the ways I want by entering politics. I'm just glad I didn't come to all those conclusions while living thousands of miles away at one of the two other colleges that had been options (one of which would have been a complete failure after the change in major, the other of which would have maybe been the best option possible).

And ya know, I'll post it here so that it will still be around once the bulletin has dropped off everyone's page. I'm getting rid of two round trip tickets on the Victoria Clipper to anyone of my friends that may want them. They must be used by December 30th. Message me, call me, whatever. I thought the length of time in which I had to find a use for them would be sufficient. In this I was grossly mistaken. However I had remained optimistic, which in and of itself its somewhat unusual. Well this whole thing had a good vibe until I started talking about this, so I'm just gonna stop before I put myself into a bad mood....again.

The Stormy Present

Wow, it's 3:30 am and I can't sleep. There really should be an easy way to take out my agression (the places I would normally consider aren't open now), because hitting inanimate objects only serves to do bad things to my hand, and on occasion to the inaminate object that recieves the brunt of said agression.

Now this isn't to say that everything is bad, but I seem to be taking a few things personally that don't necessarily involve me. However as most of my friends know, I am fiercly loyal, and will do most anything for them. There is a reasonable chance this will get me into trouble someday, but such is life.

Well, I've tried writing this paragraph a bunch of times but nothing comes out right. That is probably due to the fact that I am simultaneously having massive inferiority AND superiority complexes. You cannot imagine how difficult that is to accomplish. Since I never go into many details in these (due to the public nature of the site), if you want to know what's really going on, all you have to do is ask.

So with that I leave you with a story:

This guy's walking down a street, when he falls in a hole. The walls are so steep. He
can't get out. A doctor passes by, and the guy shouts up "Hey you! Can you help me out?"
The doctor writes him a prescription, throws it down the hole and moves on. Then a priest
comes along and the guy shouts up "Father, I'm down in this hole, can you help me out?"
The priest writes out a prayer, throws it down in the hole and moves on. Then a friend
walks by. "Hey Joe, it's me, can you help me out?" And the friend jumps in the hole! Our
guy says "Are you stupid? Now we're both down here!" and the friend says, "Yeah, but I've
been down here before, and I know the way out.."

Not quite an accurate portrayal of what is going through my mind or anything, but a good description of what a person should do for there friends.

On the Day Before

I am suddenly compelled to take note of that which I'm thankful for in preperation for the holiday tomorrow. The first one here I mention because this is something much more prevalent this year. I am thankful for the well-being of myself and those around me. The aftermath of my mom's heart attack was difficult on me, both out of worry for her, and the constant and overwhelming questioning of both my mortality and the direction in which my life has gone. However in the grand scheme of things, all is well, and for that I am thankful.

The second, and to me most important, are my friends and family. I find it a bit ironic that as I type this, I've come across profiles of people that I haven't seen in a long time, but definitely would like to, And others still of people that are very close to me, yet still so very distant. Indeed the memories come flowing back. Anyway, to those that have known me for a long time, all I can say is that I love you all and for those I don't see all the time, I miss you. And to those that I've only recently gotten to know, you are an amazing group of people and I can't wait to get to know each and every one of you better.

So to all of you and those you will be spending the holiday with, Happy Thanksgiving.

What Kind of Day Has It Been?

It really is a good thing that I have had the past couple days off of work. I have been in a really bizarre mood. It is the combination of being somewhat happy, mildly depressed, and well, probably a few other things. The strangest thing about this mood is that if properly provoked (which probably would have happened had I been at work, or any number of other places), I will become incredibly arrogant. Instead I have kept to myself for the most part in an attempt to avoid this. That probably seems like a strange reaction, and I could explain it, but I'm not going to. All I know is that I need something to change very soon or I'm going to lose what little grip on sanity you all know I have. That is all for this very cryptic and nonsensical blog.

17 People

It is a fact that many of my friends know. I will do most anything as long as I am doing it with friends. However I have decided to remove one thing from that list, and that is getting drunk beyond all fucking reason. Yes, most of you are laughing right now, but seriously, I would have much rather stayed up late doing, well whatever was going on after I took my leave the party. It was a hell of a time though. However I don't know what was worse, drifting in and out of consciousness or having fragments of memory flitting into my mind throughout the next day. The few parts I do remember after initially passing out are enough to make me wonder what other brilliant things I decided to say. Anyway, there are only a few people that might read this that don't
already know more about that night than I do, so no point in writing anymore. Well whatever, no regrets :D

Well ok, a couple last thoughts. I learned that one can never completely thank the person that helps them through a night like that, especially after sorting through fragmented memories of conversations that were from what I can tell kinda interesting. Also, there is a underlying pattern to the titles of my blogs, so if they seem random, well, they aren't.

The Long Goodbye

So I just got back from a two day stay in Longview, my first trip back there in a few months. There are two things that stick out in my mind, and both require a little explanation first. First off, I got back Halloween night. For work I dressed up as what could most easily be described as a redneck. I did this mostly as an excuse to not wear my uniform. However since I left for Longview straight from work, I didn't bother to change out of the costume. It dawned on me that the problem with that is that where I was going, no one (except my family) would realize that I was in a costume at all.

Now the second thing. One of my more random skills is that I'm a pretty good dart thrower. Normally when I go back home, at least some time is spent at the Eagles lodge across the river in Rainier. If you don't know what an Eagles lodge is, look it up, I'm not getting into an explanation. Anyway I was throwing darts with my Mom, Grandma, and Grandpa. This was practice for them since they are all in a dart league. However my Grandma is new to it, and is still trying to learn the terminology and such. By pure coincidence, right as I'm about to throw my third dart one round, she asks one of the other people in the league for clarification on a phrase she heard....what I hear next is, "So a happy meal is when you score a 69, right." I froze then, unable to laugh nearly hard as would have been either necessary or appropriate.

And something that is happening down there that I didn't have the chance to face this trip is something that will in time become quite difficult. There is a reasonable chance that one of my Grandfathers has Alzheimer's, or at the very least one of any number of other afflictions of the mind. I know a few of you have experienced this, and this will be my 2nd time through, so there isn't much that need be said in explantion. At this point it is early and I can still be optimistic...

On a whole different topic, I had an interesting day at work recently. It is very common, as some of you reading this will know, for people to talk to me about anything and everything, even if they hardly know me. It is common for me to know a great deal about someone, yet they know little to nothing about me. However due to the nature of the activities we had at work (to those I work with, yes, I mean the LTS stuff), the roles we're reversed. I found it very interesting to see just how someone would react when going from knowing almost nothing about me, to learning about my life in a fairly good amount of detail. I suppose this stems from the fact that I will almost always answer any question asked about me, regardless of how personal it may be.

Crippled

So those of you who have known me for quite some time no about the affliction with which I've been plagued for a few years. Those who haven't known me as long may simply have noticed that I have a limp, one that varies both in magnitude and in which leg it is I'm limping on. Due to the recent development of obtaining health insurance, I have been able to end the suffering. No longer will I have to be careful with how I walk. No longer will I have to refrain from playing various sports and participating in various activities. However this will come with a short term (but humorous) consequence. At home (or while on short journeys) I will be on crutches. And while at work or any prolonged trips, I will be confined to a wheelchair. This means that for the rest of the week I'm gonna be pushin my ass around my store, very likely challenging Jeff to wheelchair races. I'm sure Steve would be making fun of me constantly for being crippled, if he weren't dealing with his truck being stolen this morning. Seriously, who steals a '78 Nissan truck?!?

Currently listening: I Like the Way By Bodyrockers Release date: 03 May, 2005

Catching Up

So I went back through my own blogs and it dawned on me that I have left some details of my recent life out. I mentioned that I had some other issues of note happening at the time of my mom's heart attack, but never expounded on it. To most of the people that would likely read this, all this is long since known, but for those that don't talk to me often, here is what else happened. I moved to Redmond, just north of Microsoft HQ. Found a nice two bedroom apartment with which I share with my best friend Steve. I also resigned my position with the Seattle Mariners. It was a hell of an experience, but for reasons I won't go into in a public forum, it was time to step aside. Unfortunately the job I hoped to get, in the front office of the Seattle Seahawks, didn't pan out. Their loss. Anyway, due to a strange twist of fate, I ended up at Best Buy. Not glamorous, and certainly not a place I want to be for a particularly long time, but it pays the bills, and has provided me the opportunity to meet some people that I hope to get to know very well. And for those that have asked or who may in the future, my mother ended up doing quite well after her ordeal. Indeed I almost took it harder than she did, what with questioning my own mortality and all. Think that catches me up. If you're reading this you should comment, I'm curious who actually is taking time to read these words I spew from my mouth. So until next time, goodnight all.

Currently watching: The West Wing - The Complete Fifth Season Release date: 06 December, 2005

A Moment I Would Prefer Not To Repeat

So I'm sitting at work Wednesday doing a little project to blow time on during my little 4-hour shift. While I'm sitting there, I feel my phone begin to vibrate. I take it out to see who it is, and it looks to be my grandparents, the ones that are traveling the country at the moment. I figure I can call them later. However looking twice at my phone, I see that it is instead the grandparents that live in my hometown, and they are calling from their cell phone, which is unusual, especially since they know I'm at work. Before I can check the voicemail, they call again so I answer. My grandma had to pass along some news that I was shocked at to say the least. My mother, who is only 42 years old, had just had a heart attack. There was a brief moment where I feared the worst, but was quickly told that she was doing well all things considered. I was going back to my hometown this weekend anyway, but I, not surprisingly, left work almost immediately and headed back. Without going into all the details of the past 4 days, I feel fortunate to say that she is doing well. However in the course of all this, I have been thinking about a great many things. In recent years I have been forced to rethink the path on which my life was going. Though I've pretty much figured out what I need to do, this made me realize just how soon I need to do it. Perhaps this is exactly what I needed to finish all that I've set out to do. I'm sure I could go on for pages about what I'm thinking and feeling right now, but to be honest I can't process most of it yet. I have been fortunate in that I have had many friends at my side, or in my ear as the case may be, to help me through the past few days, a fact of which I am very grateful.

On a completely different though somewhat relevant note, I have always had a problem with smoking. The fact that my mom smoked was a point of great strife between us. One night that comes to mind was last Christmas Eve. I had just gotten into town and met up with her. She proceeded to light one up, something of which she knows I will not tolerate. I simply told her either she puts it out or I get in my car and drive back to Seattle. I will not impose my will on everyone, but I will most certainly do so when necessary to those closest to me. My point here is that I always thought I had reached the pinnacle the anti-smoking mountain if you will. I was wrong. Smoking was one of the major contributors to her heart attack. You can see where this may make me an even greater anti-smoking nazi.

Well, that pretty well covers what I can spit out for the moment, at least until I can have some more time to figure out everything that has happened this past week. Amazingly this wasn't the only event of note over the past few days, just by far the most important. The others, well, I'll get to those another time.

Currently listening: Something to Be [DualDisc] By Rob Thomas Release date: 19 April, 2005

Gnothi Seauton

Well if your reading this, than your likely wondering what the hell is up with the subject. Millenia ago, inscribed at the Temple of Apollo at Delphi in Greece, were the words 'Know Thyself,' (side note: I attempted to make the subject show in Greek letters, but when I published it, it came out as something, well, it didn't look Greek to me, so back to the Roman alphabet it is, grrr.) Over the past week or so, I've had the opportunity to think about some things. You know when you get into one of those moods where you just start thinking about the past...well, that's what happened to me. Without going into all the details, I can say that I have come to the following conclusion: I have screwed myself up. I have trained myself to react to things in a certain way, to have a mindset about how events will play out, and it all has formed itself into a self-sustaining cycle. Now all this isn't to say I'm not a happy person or anything like that. All it says is that there is one area that for various reasons, I do not know how to fix. And to make it worse, talking about it with people cannot help. In fact I suppose I'm only writing this just for the hell of it. Only actions can fix it, but I don't know just what they should be. But then again, they do say that it isn't necessarily the destination, it is the journey...I have to put aside justifications, excuses, doubts, fears, hell, my entire past perhaps, and just make things work. For the few of you that might understand specifically what this is about, this might seem melodramatic, but with the amount of time I've had to think lately, it is anything but. To the rest of you that read this and sit dumbfounded in front of your screens, well, I'm not surprised. This is what you get for reading this totally random blog entry. Oh, and if your still here, I have the second part of my interview later this week. Stay tuned for details, video at 11.

Currently listening: It's the End of the World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine) By R.E.M. Release date: 20 July, 200

Can't Sleep

Ok, so I was going to go to sleep a bit early tonight cause I've gotta be to work early, and it's going to be a long day, but you know what, it doesn't look like that's going to happen. The past few hours have made my mind going into a race, and now I've gotta burn it off somehow. I have an ominous feeling that something bad is going on with my friends in Arkansas. As of yet I don't have proof of this, only a voicemail that didn't sound quite right. It could be nothing, but its enough to put me on edge, especially with the mood I've been in. And another thing. I have, in many cases, a very sarcastic sense of humor. This does lead the occasional person to believe I'm an asshole, even those close to me. And just when you think you've figured out how people will react, you get thrown a curveball. I seriously don't know what to say to some of these people. I could probably go on and on about this, but it'll only serve to piss me off. So on a completely seperate note, to anyone that has ever asked themselves, what the hell is James doing in the picture on his profile, here is your answer. I am preparing to stab my best friend Steve. He had been taking random pictures of stuff, and while doing so, one of his roomates tossed me his sword (god only knows why he owns it), and told me to act as though I was going to kill Steve. They asked, and I delivered. As for why it's my pic, well I don't have many pictures of myself, and this seemed better than some alternatives. So I suppose I'll do one of these evil questionaires one of my friends has posted. I usually avoid these for what may end up being obvious reasons, but against my better judgment I'll do one. Maybe that'll put me in the mood to sleep.

Currently listening: Beverly Hills By Weezer Release date: 03 May, 2005

Ranting

Before I start going off about things in my life, I want to comment on something I saw on the news recently. President Bush was giving a speech about energy alternatives and getting our economy off of fossil fuels. During this he mentioned that he has budgeted $2 Billion over 10 years toward studying coal. The last time I checked, coal was fossil fuel. Nothing like having the best and brightest in charge. If you really want to get away from oil, look at this, the best step toward nuclear fusion that I've ever seen.

As for my life... All things considered, I'm a pretty easy going guy. However my biggest peeve is simple and found everywhere, stupidity. I tend to surround myself with people that aren't predisposed to being stupid, though everyone makes mistakes. This week has been prove of that. I went out with some friends last weekend, and found out that one of them had, at the age of 21, decided to just now start smoking. This is one of those things that I have zero tolerance for, and have gone to great lengths to get people to stop, at which I'm generally successful. It's just annoying that within weeks of getting one to stop, another starts. Fortunately the rest of that night last weekend was more than enough fun to make up for it (how did they think I could possibly dance, when I could hardly walk).

The other event that hit me pretty hard was finding out that a good friend might be pregnant. Of course it is a mistake on both people's parts, but I gave her boyfriend one simple instruction, and that was to take care of her. This was certainly not what I meant. Why can't people just listen when I tell them to do things, it would make everybody's lives so much easier.

Currently listening: I Predict a Riot By Kaiser Chiefs Release date: 23 May, 2005