There are many here among us who feel that life is but a joke.
But you and I we've been through that, and this is not our fate.
So let us not talk falsely now, the hours getting late.
'All Along the Watchtowers' - Bob Dylan
Over the past week and a half, it seems that things are getting back to a good place. I have managed to see damn near everybody, which has been fun to say the least. A gathering at Steve's, late-night food at the Hurricane, The two nights of Sabrina's birthday, Joey's 21-run, playing in the sun at Volunteer and Magnusson Parks, and a night of fantastic comedy. Holy crap this has been a lot of stuff. But god its nice to see everyone again. And I have, almost surprisingly, survived all of this, despite my efforts last week of killing myself via frisbee.
I think this is going to be the summer that I have been expecting for the past couple years. About time too, this summer can only be an improvement over the last one. And by god we're getting the disappointment out of the way too. This week was supposed to have two particularly great events. Memorial Day weekend was going to find a group of us out at the Sasquatch Music Festival at the Gorge. However due to the gross incompetance and negligence of the person who was getting us in, we no longer have tickets. Why must people suck so much?
And the other disappointment I have to blame on Hillary Clinton. Because she wouldn't get her thoroughly kicked ass out of this race, one of her supporters decided to go help her campaign. This affects me because that particular supporter was to be at a luncheon that I was going to get to attend. This person was former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright. I think it would have been an interesting event to say the least. But no, instead Senator Clinton chose to make this personal, as the only logical explanation for this is that she believes I have wronged her somehow.
But despite the failures of this week, all of which among other things negated the need for me to request any days off of work, I think everything is pretty much going fantastic. Well, other than my near complete displeasure at my job (I have a little fun, so that helps), and a nagging suspicion that my recent issues aren't quite as resolved as I may have hoped (though perhaps as predicted)....
So with that, out for another night of fun and debauchery. And for those that are going to be around Memorial Day weekend, I think plans need to be made, epic plans to say the least.
Monday, May 19, 2008
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
How Dare You Say That My Behavior is Unacceptable, So Condescending, Unnecessarily Critical
I have a tendency of getting very physical,
So watch your step cause if I do you'll need a miracle.
You drain me dry and make me wonder why I'm even here.
This double vision I was seeing is finally clear.
You want to stay but you know very well I want you gone.
Not fit to fucking tread the ground that I am walking on.
When it gets cold outside and you got nobody to love,
You'll understand what I mean when I say,
There's no way we're gonna give up.
And like a little girl cries in the face of a monster that lives in her dreams,
Is there anyone out there, cause its getting harder and harder to breathe.
'Harder to Breathe' - Maroon 5
This will conclude what I decided to turn into a three-part series about the tangle of thoughts and emotions going on in my head, regarding both the situation everyone knows about, as well as life in general.
I have to provide a bit of context for this first. I am in a very good mood right now. Things are getting back on track, and I'm really not to worried about much. However, I feel it is important to acknowledge that much more has gone on in my mind than pain and suffering. There has been anger, blame, arrogance, and many other things. Also, this one is going to go on for a while, cause I'm still in a writing kind of mood.
Right before I started my month-long exile, Tavis and I had a conversation about what I thought my chances were, and was I worried about any competition. I laughed and stated that if Jason (yes I know, but if you look at how things were, it made sense in a 'holy shit that'd be stupid but not surprising' kind of way) was the only person to worry about, then it was a cakewalk. Tavis warned me not to be overconfident, which is amusing given the nature of so many of our conversations. Now given the width and breadth of my failures, one might wonder how I could hold any level of confidence. This is where my mind does something strange. Any lack of confidence I have has nothing to do with myself. My lack of confidence is in other people, specifically that most people are not capable of realizing just what I am. This can be seen in some degree in the amount of people that have claimed me as one of their closest or even best friend. A leap is required between friendship and anything else, and I doubt the ability of most people to accomplish it. Now that's not to say I'm without fault, far from it. But I know damn well what I am, and from the conceited part of my mind that I choose to suppress most of the time, the only way to describe it is 'better than other people.'
As for anger, there are three parts to it. I am angry at myself for what can be summed up as 'losing my objectivity.' Unfortunately another way to phrase it could be 'having a soul,' as looking at things subjectively is completely normal. I am what I am, and from time to time, see what I want to see.
The second bit of anger is at Katelyn. Like I said before, managing to convince me, your best friend, most of our coworkers, and the majority of my non-work friends, that something was happening, I can't even begin to understand. I know it wasn't on purpose, which is a big reason I can move on, but seriously, holy shit. Since the topic comes up many times each day at work, I have managed to piece together what I believe to be the majority of how this caught on. While I was on vacation, about the only times I saw work friends, we were together. While not helpful, that wasn't the big issue. Talking about me to everyone was. Perhaps there are lessons to be learned here. Also, this may seem like an odd way to air these grievances, but my logic is simple. Once I post this, I'm done worrying about it. No more conversations, no more worries, simply back to where we were. If through nothing but sheer force of will, I am over this.
Oh yeah, the third outlet for my anger. This one is blatantly illogical, but also the one that I enjoy the most. The only reason I'm not going to say the name is because I don't feel it is fair to call someone out on here that I don't actually know. All I can say is that I have no need for him to be my friend. And since he is technically not my coworker I don't have to deal with him professionally either. So while he has not actually wronged me, I take a perverse joy in being angry at him. A person can move on and still be a little jealous can't they, lol.
No Shaun, I'm not jealous of you.
Damn it, now I can't stop laughing.
So another part of Saturday's conversation that I want to talk about is regarding the future. I mentioned that the probable outcome would be they go and do their thing, we hang out less and less, and eventually she will be weaned off of me, for lack of a better phrase. I have had this happen before, so I simply consider it one of the many ways the world can work. Now the look on her face essentially said, 'no, that's not how I want it to be.' I didn't say it then, but I have always had an opinion on this sort of thing. Now, the following assumes that you can quantify happiness, as laid out in my highly scientific paper (still being written) tentatively titled "The Laws of Universal Happiness With Regards to an Equalibrium State in both Small and Large Samples," soon to be published in some well-regarded journal of note.
It begins with person 1 deriving X amount of happiness from person 2, and Y amount of happiness from person 3. At the start, X > Y. Now if for every amount you lower X, you are able to get twice as the amount added to Y, doesn't it make sense to go with Y? You are all lucky that I can't write in scientific notation using this text box. I have a big equation, and its awesome. Who said calculus never does anything for you after college?
To tie all my writings of the past few days together I would say this. I don't know specifically what it is that makes me the friend that I am. I have my ideas, but I suspect that it is difficult to put into words. Of course a part of me wishes things would have worked out differently, but if what I come out of this with is a friendship with someone who, despite their mistakes, loves me completely and totally, can I truly complain? Well, maybe I'll complain some, but I've earned that right. However when I look around me I know that I have near me some of the most loyal, caring, kind people that anyone could be lucky to have. Even if my time with them is limited, I'm am still a better person for the experience, and hopefully vice versa.
So watch your step cause if I do you'll need a miracle.
You drain me dry and make me wonder why I'm even here.
This double vision I was seeing is finally clear.
You want to stay but you know very well I want you gone.
Not fit to fucking tread the ground that I am walking on.
When it gets cold outside and you got nobody to love,
You'll understand what I mean when I say,
There's no way we're gonna give up.
And like a little girl cries in the face of a monster that lives in her dreams,
Is there anyone out there, cause its getting harder and harder to breathe.
'Harder to Breathe' - Maroon 5
This will conclude what I decided to turn into a three-part series about the tangle of thoughts and emotions going on in my head, regarding both the situation everyone knows about, as well as life in general.
I have to provide a bit of context for this first. I am in a very good mood right now. Things are getting back on track, and I'm really not to worried about much. However, I feel it is important to acknowledge that much more has gone on in my mind than pain and suffering. There has been anger, blame, arrogance, and many other things. Also, this one is going to go on for a while, cause I'm still in a writing kind of mood.
Right before I started my month-long exile, Tavis and I had a conversation about what I thought my chances were, and was I worried about any competition. I laughed and stated that if Jason (yes I know, but if you look at how things were, it made sense in a 'holy shit that'd be stupid but not surprising' kind of way) was the only person to worry about, then it was a cakewalk. Tavis warned me not to be overconfident, which is amusing given the nature of so many of our conversations. Now given the width and breadth of my failures, one might wonder how I could hold any level of confidence. This is where my mind does something strange. Any lack of confidence I have has nothing to do with myself. My lack of confidence is in other people, specifically that most people are not capable of realizing just what I am. This can be seen in some degree in the amount of people that have claimed me as one of their closest or even best friend. A leap is required between friendship and anything else, and I doubt the ability of most people to accomplish it. Now that's not to say I'm without fault, far from it. But I know damn well what I am, and from the conceited part of my mind that I choose to suppress most of the time, the only way to describe it is 'better than other people.'
As for anger, there are three parts to it. I am angry at myself for what can be summed up as 'losing my objectivity.' Unfortunately another way to phrase it could be 'having a soul,' as looking at things subjectively is completely normal. I am what I am, and from time to time, see what I want to see.
The second bit of anger is at Katelyn. Like I said before, managing to convince me, your best friend, most of our coworkers, and the majority of my non-work friends, that something was happening, I can't even begin to understand. I know it wasn't on purpose, which is a big reason I can move on, but seriously, holy shit. Since the topic comes up many times each day at work, I have managed to piece together what I believe to be the majority of how this caught on. While I was on vacation, about the only times I saw work friends, we were together. While not helpful, that wasn't the big issue. Talking about me to everyone was. Perhaps there are lessons to be learned here. Also, this may seem like an odd way to air these grievances, but my logic is simple. Once I post this, I'm done worrying about it. No more conversations, no more worries, simply back to where we were. If through nothing but sheer force of will, I am over this.
Oh yeah, the third outlet for my anger. This one is blatantly illogical, but also the one that I enjoy the most. The only reason I'm not going to say the name is because I don't feel it is fair to call someone out on here that I don't actually know. All I can say is that I have no need for him to be my friend. And since he is technically not my coworker I don't have to deal with him professionally either. So while he has not actually wronged me, I take a perverse joy in being angry at him. A person can move on and still be a little jealous can't they, lol.
No Shaun, I'm not jealous of you.
Damn it, now I can't stop laughing.
So another part of Saturday's conversation that I want to talk about is regarding the future. I mentioned that the probable outcome would be they go and do their thing, we hang out less and less, and eventually she will be weaned off of me, for lack of a better phrase. I have had this happen before, so I simply consider it one of the many ways the world can work. Now the look on her face essentially said, 'no, that's not how I want it to be.' I didn't say it then, but I have always had an opinion on this sort of thing. Now, the following assumes that you can quantify happiness, as laid out in my highly scientific paper (still being written) tentatively titled "The Laws of Universal Happiness With Regards to an Equalibrium State in both Small and Large Samples," soon to be published in some well-regarded journal of note.
It begins with person 1 deriving X amount of happiness from person 2, and Y amount of happiness from person 3. At the start, X > Y. Now if for every amount you lower X, you are able to get twice as the amount added to Y, doesn't it make sense to go with Y? You are all lucky that I can't write in scientific notation using this text box. I have a big equation, and its awesome. Who said calculus never does anything for you after college?
To tie all my writings of the past few days together I would say this. I don't know specifically what it is that makes me the friend that I am. I have my ideas, but I suspect that it is difficult to put into words. Of course a part of me wishes things would have worked out differently, but if what I come out of this with is a friendship with someone who, despite their mistakes, loves me completely and totally, can I truly complain? Well, maybe I'll complain some, but I've earned that right. However when I look around me I know that I have near me some of the most loyal, caring, kind people that anyone could be lucky to have. Even if my time with them is limited, I'm am still a better person for the experience, and hopefully vice versa.
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
Do You Need Some Time...On Your Own?
Do you need some time...all alone? Everybody needs some time...on their own.
Don't you know you need some time...all alone?
I know its hard, to keep an open heart, when even friends seem out to harm you.
But if you could heal a broken heart, wouldn't time be out to charm you?
And when your fears subside, and shadows still remain, oh yeahhhh.
I know that you can love me, when there's no one left to blame.
So never mind the darkness, we still can find a way.
Cause nothing lasts forever, even cold November rain.
'November Rain' - Guns N' Roses
So Monday I made a decision regarding what to do next to stabilize things. I'm simply going to flip a switch and move on. Some have wondered why in the hell I'm even trying. My answer is simple. When you have seen the things that I have, you tend to put an incredibly high price on friendship. Now I'm the first to admit that if you fuck me over, then it is going to take nothing short of a miracle to get you back into my good graces, and even then, it will likely lack the trust that may have once existed. However no one tried to wrong me here. Now that's not to say that something exceedingly stupid didn't occur. I have to believe that after convincing me and nearly 40 of my closest friends, it is possible that perhaps this wasn't just an error in judgement on my part. But fuck it, none of this changes that I have been quite happy the past few months. While things may not have worked out as anticipated, should that cheapen the experience at all? I believe not. And so I made it clear as I left work, "We'll be fine, I promise." So the question is, how easy will this be? Its these moments where my memory is a curse, because there are those couple things that really stand out that are impossible to forget.
During Katelyn and my conversation on Saturday, the topic of my issues with Alex came up, specifically how was it compared to the problems this time. I couldn't really compare the two, and as such said that they were simply different. Last year's events had so many people hurting each other that it was a bit more complex. It was also somewhat easier to get over because at the end, I was simply angry. The funny part is that I wasn't angry due to anything involving my failures. At that point I could almost have said that I had totally moved on. In fact I think back to that night at Dante's when I found out that Shaun thought I hated him. I turned around, got his attention, and said that I didn't hate him, any problems I had were with Alex, and her alone. It came down to one of the topics that, if his story was accurate, even pissed Tavis off on my behalf. And that's coming from someone who on at least two seperate occasions during the whole thing, I seriously considered harming.
So back to the point, friendship. I have lost the vast majority of my close friends over the years, in quite a few cases after what would be considered unpleasant events. I have also had people who I couldn't stand turn into someone who I trust highly. The common thread is that it is the good times with the people we are close to that help define us. And sometimes no matter how big the problem, it can be overcome. I mean, my best friend in high school other than Steve, Kathy, stopped talking to me for over a year and a half, right after utterly shattering my heart. Yet a time came for reconciliation, because no matter what, we still had the good times to share, and a few more still to have. Now just because we haven't spoken in at least two or three years doesn't change that, because simply growing apart is another beast entirely. So back to this past weekend...no matter how much these mistakes may have hurt, I can't help but think of work on Sunday. I came in and found out just how little our conversation helped, as word on the street was that she still thought she'd lost me as a friend. When you look at that, or the description of me in her writings (though seriously...what was that package/openbox analogy?), you start to understand why I can live with fixing things.
So while I'm at it, I'm gonna spend some time this week with a bunch of people that I haven't recently. It'll be nice to rekindle some relationships that have perhaps fallen by the wayside. Because despite my diatribe against all those at work that pissed me off, there are still a great many there that are very important to me.
And now I leave you with three final observations. First, shouldn't these blogs have something marking as whether they are public, friend, or preferred? I recently found out that one that I was reading was preferred, and had there been any reason for me to talk about it with someone, would have had no clue that they weren't able to read it. Second, it strikes me as ironic (in a funny way) that nearly all my blogs are commented on by the two people that so many of them are written about. This is why I'm starting to change my policy of not putting names in these. May as well get to have my fun too, lol! And third...Criminal by Fionna Apple is such a good song. Yeah, I said it.
Don't you know you need some time...all alone?
I know its hard, to keep an open heart, when even friends seem out to harm you.
But if you could heal a broken heart, wouldn't time be out to charm you?
And when your fears subside, and shadows still remain, oh yeahhhh.
I know that you can love me, when there's no one left to blame.
So never mind the darkness, we still can find a way.
Cause nothing lasts forever, even cold November rain.
'November Rain' - Guns N' Roses
So Monday I made a decision regarding what to do next to stabilize things. I'm simply going to flip a switch and move on. Some have wondered why in the hell I'm even trying. My answer is simple. When you have seen the things that I have, you tend to put an incredibly high price on friendship. Now I'm the first to admit that if you fuck me over, then it is going to take nothing short of a miracle to get you back into my good graces, and even then, it will likely lack the trust that may have once existed. However no one tried to wrong me here. Now that's not to say that something exceedingly stupid didn't occur. I have to believe that after convincing me and nearly 40 of my closest friends, it is possible that perhaps this wasn't just an error in judgement on my part. But fuck it, none of this changes that I have been quite happy the past few months. While things may not have worked out as anticipated, should that cheapen the experience at all? I believe not. And so I made it clear as I left work, "We'll be fine, I promise." So the question is, how easy will this be? Its these moments where my memory is a curse, because there are those couple things that really stand out that are impossible to forget.
During Katelyn and my conversation on Saturday, the topic of my issues with Alex came up, specifically how was it compared to the problems this time. I couldn't really compare the two, and as such said that they were simply different. Last year's events had so many people hurting each other that it was a bit more complex. It was also somewhat easier to get over because at the end, I was simply angry. The funny part is that I wasn't angry due to anything involving my failures. At that point I could almost have said that I had totally moved on. In fact I think back to that night at Dante's when I found out that Shaun thought I hated him. I turned around, got his attention, and said that I didn't hate him, any problems I had were with Alex, and her alone. It came down to one of the topics that, if his story was accurate, even pissed Tavis off on my behalf. And that's coming from someone who on at least two seperate occasions during the whole thing, I seriously considered harming.
So back to the point, friendship. I have lost the vast majority of my close friends over the years, in quite a few cases after what would be considered unpleasant events. I have also had people who I couldn't stand turn into someone who I trust highly. The common thread is that it is the good times with the people we are close to that help define us. And sometimes no matter how big the problem, it can be overcome. I mean, my best friend in high school other than Steve, Kathy, stopped talking to me for over a year and a half, right after utterly shattering my heart. Yet a time came for reconciliation, because no matter what, we still had the good times to share, and a few more still to have. Now just because we haven't spoken in at least two or three years doesn't change that, because simply growing apart is another beast entirely. So back to this past weekend...no matter how much these mistakes may have hurt, I can't help but think of work on Sunday. I came in and found out just how little our conversation helped, as word on the street was that she still thought she'd lost me as a friend. When you look at that, or the description of me in her writings (though seriously...what was that package/openbox analogy?), you start to understand why I can live with fixing things.
So while I'm at it, I'm gonna spend some time this week with a bunch of people that I haven't recently. It'll be nice to rekindle some relationships that have perhaps fallen by the wayside. Because despite my diatribe against all those at work that pissed me off, there are still a great many there that are very important to me.
And now I leave you with three final observations. First, shouldn't these blogs have something marking as whether they are public, friend, or preferred? I recently found out that one that I was reading was preferred, and had there been any reason for me to talk about it with someone, would have had no clue that they weren't able to read it. Second, it strikes me as ironic (in a funny way) that nearly all my blogs are commented on by the two people that so many of them are written about. This is why I'm starting to change my policy of not putting names in these. May as well get to have my fun too, lol! And third...Criminal by Fionna Apple is such a good song. Yeah, I said it.
Saturday, May 3, 2008
If Only I Knew What I Know I’d Make It a Point to Say So
To everyone that got me here, and everyone that made it.
Clear I was dead wrong all along, you said it for my sake.
That I would not lose my way, when I was astray.
I'm doing the best that I could, trying my best to be understood.
Maybe I'm changing slowly. I get out, turn around, if only...
'Dead Wrong' - The Fray
Well, at least most everything has been said now. What disappoints me most is that, as the intro said, I was dead wrong. It is one thing for it to have just not worked, it is another for it to have never been a possiblitity to begin with. If I had just remembered that single fact that my nearly 25 years has taught me, I could have avoided this. And no, I'm not going to tell you what that fact is, because honestly, it is so obscenely depressing that I do not wish to share it.
And as I attempt to make myself whole for the 2nd time in the past year, I am forced to also look very closely at the people I call 'friend.' The fact that so many of you will be pleased at what is happening disturbs me. I get that you don't like her, fine, not my problem. But to know that the same events that caused me pain will bring you happiness, or at least relief, saddens me even more. Let me spell it out clearly for all of you. I was happy. Pure and simple, the things that I can't explain are the things that happened when it was just us, and unfortunately no one cares, they just wanted her gone.
Despite how hard it is right now, I suppose it could have been worse. Knowing now that there was never anything there, it means that I came inches away from making a fatal mistake just a couple of weeks ago. Standing by the stove, finishing our baking project. You turned once to give me something, and I almost turned you around again for something else. Only the bit of doubt (that was rightfully there), and the fact that I don't know how to do that stopped me. And yes, feel free to laugh everyone, god knows you are already.
There is no reason I shouldn't be able to get past this. I've done it before and I can do it again. I mean I can look at Alex and feel absolutely nothing, except perhaps a twinge of regret at how much we've grown apart. Katelyn and I at least had a conversation, which if we're lucky will be enough to help things out. And perhaps just letting it out would be good too. When I got home I let out a single tear. Its not much, but as it has been years since I last cried. So like the conversation, I suppose its a start.
I also should probably stop punching things in the exact same spot where I broke my hand, back on that fateful night where I learned just how well Kara knows me.
Edit: Yet again I forgot something...After reading a book recently, one far outside what I would normally read, I explained that I do not like books that are inundated with romance. Who now wants to guess why?
Clear I was dead wrong all along, you said it for my sake.
That I would not lose my way, when I was astray.
I'm doing the best that I could, trying my best to be understood.
Maybe I'm changing slowly. I get out, turn around, if only...
'Dead Wrong' - The Fray
Well, at least most everything has been said now. What disappoints me most is that, as the intro said, I was dead wrong. It is one thing for it to have just not worked, it is another for it to have never been a possiblitity to begin with. If I had just remembered that single fact that my nearly 25 years has taught me, I could have avoided this. And no, I'm not going to tell you what that fact is, because honestly, it is so obscenely depressing that I do not wish to share it.
And as I attempt to make myself whole for the 2nd time in the past year, I am forced to also look very closely at the people I call 'friend.' The fact that so many of you will be pleased at what is happening disturbs me. I get that you don't like her, fine, not my problem. But to know that the same events that caused me pain will bring you happiness, or at least relief, saddens me even more. Let me spell it out clearly for all of you. I was happy. Pure and simple, the things that I can't explain are the things that happened when it was just us, and unfortunately no one cares, they just wanted her gone.
Despite how hard it is right now, I suppose it could have been worse. Knowing now that there was never anything there, it means that I came inches away from making a fatal mistake just a couple of weeks ago. Standing by the stove, finishing our baking project. You turned once to give me something, and I almost turned you around again for something else. Only the bit of doubt (that was rightfully there), and the fact that I don't know how to do that stopped me. And yes, feel free to laugh everyone, god knows you are already.
There is no reason I shouldn't be able to get past this. I've done it before and I can do it again. I mean I can look at Alex and feel absolutely nothing, except perhaps a twinge of regret at how much we've grown apart. Katelyn and I at least had a conversation, which if we're lucky will be enough to help things out. And perhaps just letting it out would be good too. When I got home I let out a single tear. Its not much, but as it has been years since I last cried. So like the conversation, I suppose its a start.
I also should probably stop punching things in the exact same spot where I broke my hand, back on that fateful night where I learned just how well Kara knows me.
Edit: Yet again I forgot something...After reading a book recently, one far outside what I would normally read, I explained that I do not like books that are inundated with romance. Who now wants to guess why?
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