I Don't Feel the Way I've Ever Felt

I Know, Gonna Smile and Not Get Worried. I Try But it Shows.

'Pain' - Jimmy Eat World

It turns out that I was slightly mistaken in something that I wrote in my last blog. I said that at the moment my home was like a prison. It turns out that, besides causing concern amongst certain people, it was also a gross exaggeration of the size of the cell. The prison in which I am trapped is my mind.

It is imperative now that I mention that I am tremendously happy that my best friend may have found something that makes him happy. However it is the plethora of emotions in the background of this that concern me. As many have noticed, I am considerably unhappy at the moment. The worst part of this is that I don't know why. Now I can rule out a few things. For instance during the conversation with Steve that just ended, he made reference to my anger during this as having to do with the fact that certain affections weren't directed toward me. It is important to note that this is most certainly not true.

When I said that my ego had been obliterated, well I suppose I didn't explain it well enough. The best parallel I can draw actually uses the situtation that had been going on for the past year or so. It was common belief that the other female that is part of this group had interest in Steve. While this was mostly found to be inaccurate, it still, at least in my assumptions, probably gave Steve a bit of an ego boost. Well, during much of that same time, comments were occasionally made so as to imply that a similar situation was happening to me. So inevitably, there was an ego boost. While it was not something I would have pursued (then again who truly knows until the situation materializes), the idea of an admirer (suitor is the word I wanted, but I can't seem to remember the feminine version of the word) was appealing. But all of this is just a long-winded way of saying that these are not the foremost emotions in my mind.

So next I look at the inevitable strain on friendships that this can/has/will cause people. I look first toward the one that I thought I was losing over the past couple weeks. It has been argued to me that it was merely coincidence and circumstance that led to a bout of silence for a couple weeks. I have to conceed that that might be the case. However I can also look at it this way. Even if the thought hadn't crossed her mind to conciously ignore me, the simple fact is she found a replacement for me. For some reason that my mind keeps returning to that description. Replaced....seems oddly fitting given the circumstances. My usefulness as the one person in this group that tried to be close to her from the start has ended. Yet as I write this, I hear my mind saying, I can live with that outcome. Either way, I can't take the past couple weeks lightly, even after having discussed it with those involved. Maybe its an overreaction, who knows. Hopefully time will make this one a little easier.

As for the relationship that is forming out of this, I honestly can't find any logical reason not to see it as a good thing. This tells me that my mind is simply focusing on the parts of this that effect me directly, and not how it effects the people I love. I've always been so good at setting aside my own feelings for the benefit of those around me, I just need to buckle down and do what is necessary, what I know is right.

I'm Paralyzed, I'm Paralyzed

Stuck in the Middle and I'm Paralyzed.

'Paralyzed' - Rock Kills Kid

Over the past couple days I realized I have suffered from a severe lack of rational thought. Now this can be attributed to a number of factors. Perhaps it was the realization that I may have lost yet another friend due to temporary insanity. Maybe it was the complete obliteration of my ego (not my self-esteem mind you, two different beasts there). Or possbily it was a thought that just entered my mind a few weeks ago.

As the Romans said, and as I've quoted before, "Post Hoc, Ergo Propter Hoc." It translates to "After it, therefore because of it." Now on the one hand it can be a logical fallacy, but on the other it can be the simplest explanation. I believe at the moment it falls somewhere in between. Multiple times over the past few years, some of the people in this group of friends have discussed getting a house together. I thought that an appropriate first step, as well as a convenient solution to a friends problem, was to bring up the fact that the apartment next to us was becoming vacant. Well, I lent voice to thought, and set into motion the most absurd series of events. Now I'm not so arrogant as to think that this is all my doing, I simply view it as a massively unpredictable side-effect.

Now I've always been relatively good at giving advice, or so I've been told. Yet, as the title implies, I'm at a loss. Maybe it's because of the effects this will have on me, maybe its because I considered the likelihood of things reaching this point to be tremendously improbable. Be interesting to see how much worse this gets. Oooh, you hear that. Yes, off in the distance. That is the sound of me shooting my face off. So sad when I go to work to seek refuge, a prisoner in my own home.

Looks Like We're In For Nasty Weather

One Eye Is Taken For An Eye.

'Bad Moon Rising' - Creedence Clearwater Revival

So it turns out that I had only the faintest idea what was about to come. Aaron and Charlene are two very close friends of mine. I've known Aaron for four years, and Charlene for a year. Now in the time since she moved out with him, I was sort of the first person that really went out of my way to be friends with her. Due to this we had a little bit different relationship then she had with the rest of the guys. So now that they are next door, we were seeing quite a lot of each other, especially due to my work schedule. However over the past couple weeks, she had not really been talking to me much. She was however spending an inordinate amount of time with Steve.

While this was going on, things were worsening between the happy couple. For reasons only now being made clear to me, things were more or less in a steady decline. Her bonding with Steve didn't help things as she ended up becoming interested in him. This information is what has all been coming out today, when her and Aaron finally had the confrontation. I still don't know what all the details are, and likely won't until I wake up and talk to Aaron, but from what I did glean from talking with her is that they may be over, she may try and see if Steve is interested, she may choose to be single, hell she may just leave Seattle.

This of course all hinges on continued discussions with Aaron and with Steve when he returns from Longview. So all and all, this has created an impossible situation. Friendships will end by the time this is over, and they will end in the most ugly manner possible. So I have to sit while my best friend is forced into the middle of a battle that cannot be won, we're all pitted against our good friends, and the entire situation has entered freefall.

I can write on and on about the repercussions, the scenarios I've played out in my mind, hell, just about any aspect of this, but the one that intrigues me the most is my reaction to the fact she became interested in Steve. I'm not sure I can peg the exact emotion, though by the end of the explanation it should be clear. Since day 1, I have been the one she gravitated toward. And in the course of that, what was done to Steve and Emily (many things read into what was essentially a huge amount of random flirting that was truly meaningless) was being done to Charlene and I. Now I must state here unequivocably is that I'm not interested in her. Not something that would ever work...however...I suppose I was dissappointed on a variety of levels that this whole situation didn't target me. So basically I didn't succeed in taking a bullet for Steve, but I did succeed in taking a heavy blow to the ego. Probably not the most constructive reaction to have.

Well this is a drama that I only beginning to unfold. Look forward to our next episode, same bat time, same bat station.

And the Battle Lines Are Clearly Drawn

....or are they?

So my MSN screen name for the past couple weeks has been "What's Next?" You see everything had pretty much resolved itself. The people fucking with my best friend have been dealt with. The person that caused me problems was completely removed from my life, and for those who know me well, you know how unheard of it is for me to completely disregard the feelings of another person for my own good. Well, this was the appropriate time, and amazingly my point seems to have gotten across. So all and all things were looking pretty good.

And then I made the mistake of leaving Seattle. I should have realized before my drive to Longview was even over that something was amiss. I found out that the wedding that I was there to attend was taking place so much later and so much farther away than first told to me that I wouldn't return to Seattle until roughly six hours before I had to return to work Monday. Though I was glad I got to go to the wedding (for a variety of reasons....*slaps self on wrist....No, bad me*), it did pose a bit of an inconvenience to say the least.

As this is going on, I find out that one group of friends is having a massive bitchfest with one another, that while ending up being minor and easily reconcilable in the end, was a cause for concern due to my inability to weigh in. Then when I actually got back to Seattle, I was in for so much more.

In an effort to remain awake from the time I got to Seattle (11:45 PM Sunday) until I had to be to work (6:00 AM Monday), I decided to go to a party. Long story short, I hadn't hung out with my friends from work for a while, with the exception of Matt's b-day party. Really couldn't think of a better place to be because I really missed these friends (<3 470!!) I didn't realize how much I had missed, and what was about to occur. For reasons obvious to many who would read this, I'm not using details of any kind. I will say however that I continue to be amazed at the pain people will put themselves through for the most inane reasons. This bothers me more when it is the people I care about so much (and to the person that this most directly refers to, you'll understand why it bothers me so much when we actually talk for once). Anyway, the whole thing just proves that its the little lies that can do the most damage, especially when you're not good at lying.

So with all of that, its important to note that I can be considered as kind of on the periphery of all of that. Not directly invovled, but one of the people that those more directly involved speak to (I'd say most of you would agree). Which means that there was really no drama that directly involved me...yeah, like that was gonna last.

I don't quite know how to describe what is about to happen between my roommate, our neighbors (who are our neighbors because they are our friends, and I got them the place), and myself. Things were so peaceful a few weeks ago. I've tried writing this part a dozen times and am coming up with nothing...guess I'll just have to save the details for the next blog, which I have a hunch is gonna be soon.

P.S. Finally broke my pattern on blog subject names. For those curious, they have almost all been names of episodes of the West Wing. I think now I'm gonna move on to song lyrics...though the fact the first of these required a country song might be an ominous sign :P.