Drive Until You Lose the Road

Or break with the ones you've followed.
He will do one of two things
He'll admit to everything, or he'll just say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came.
'How to Save a Life' - The Fray

A complete lack of sleep, combined with almost total solitude (people around, but none who'd bother me), gave me the opportunity to think about a great many things, to consider the goings on of the past few months and the many events of note therein. I have never claimed to be an infallible person, at least not seriously. Nor have I claimed to always do the right thing. I can safely say that while I generally try to do right by myself and those around me, there are times where things fall into what I can only call a 'morally gray' area. Rarely though am I so certain that what I have done was for the best.

I came out of this day with a clarity that I haven't had in quite a while. An understanding of what has come before, and what shall come after. I do wish I could say that I had learned my lesson the first time, so that history wouldn't have repeated itself. Perhaps having the lesson return will allow me to improve the way I do things.

As I read what I've written, both now and previously, I am again reminded of how vague I almost always am. It does actually pain me that I have to be so secretive, but such are the lives we lead. I would trust many people with the full details of what has gone on, but trust can be an interesting thing. Recently I've had the opportunity to discuss with Gabriel some of the finer points of trust. There is certainly an ebb and flow to it, sometimes purposely, sometimes not. It seems that most of our conclusions support that statement, as do the actions of both myself and many around me. It does make me notice though that I have become far more guarded than I used to be. Perhaps the losses of one too many people close to me have done more damage than I am prepared to admit. I am still very open with people, just only to a certain point. I still can't say whether or not I consider that a wise decision.

There is a quote that I have always been fond of. It comes from a book that I believe is of great philosophical value, even though I disagree with some of its most basic points:

"The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness. For he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers[.]" - Ezekiel 25:17

There is a part of me that is saddened that I haven't done all that I was capable of, in many situations, not just the one that immediately comes to mind. But I don't know what I could have done differently to change anything, or that I even would want to. Because during my moment of clarity, there was a distinct lack of the negative emotions that I would have expected. There was satisfaction with finally having come to an understanding, a sadness at the naivete and cowardice that I had shown on occasion, displeasure at crimes perpetrated against me, and a happiness that I could finally say that for me, the fight was over. Fortunately it is the latter of those that rules the day now.

So were the things I did worth it? I go again to another quote, this time from the altogether far too geeky source of Star Trek: DS9. Despite where its coming from, I firmly believe that Avery Brooks put on one of the finest performances I've ever seen in an hour of TV, an hour that ended with the following (slightly paraphrased):

"So....I lied. I cheated. I bribed men to cover the crimes of other men...But the most damning thing of all...I think I can live with it. And if I had to do it all over again, I would....A guilty conscience is a small price to pay...So I will learn to live with it. Because I can live with it."

And right as I'm previewing this I make one last edit with another realization. I had a hunch this moment of insight was coming. For a few nights I've had something on my mind. Someone who I will miss a surprisingly large amount imparted upon me a few words of kindness. Not the first time she's done it, but everytime it tends to take me by surprise because she does it in ways no one else ever has. That couple minutes replayed many times in my mind. And it seems ironic that part of the conversation that occured that has led me here, questioning my motives, my morals, and many other things, was the statement that I am a genuinely good person, and how rare that is. So should that person read this, I throw some more lyrics out now to end this:

You know I've seen a lot of what the world can do
And it's breakin' my heart in two
Because I never wanna see you a sad girl
Don't be a bad girl
But if you wanna leave, take good care
I hope you make a lot of nice friends out there
But just remember there's a lot of bad and beware.

'Wild World' - Cat Stevens