I Don't Know Why You Want to Follow Me Tonight

When the rest of the world, with whom I've crossed and I've quarreled,
Let's me down so, for a thousand reasons that I know.
To share forever the unrest, with all the demons I possess,
Beneath the silver moon.
Maybe you were right, but baby I was lonely.
I don't want to fight, I'm tired of being sorry.
Chandler and Van Nuys, with all the vampires and their brides.
We're all bloodless and blind, and longing for a life,
Beyond the silver moon.

'Tired of Being Sorry' - Ringside
(From the soundtrack that is Best Buy Radio, my first month there)

"Not once has anyone said I'm out of my fucking mind." As it turns out, it is being said, but not to my face. It is being talked about, apparently at length. And now I'm left to figure out who all was prepared to stand against me, but remain silent until the time arrived. I seek this information not to exact punishment, but to explain myself, as apparently I need to do. The people whom I choose to associate with, among other things, are trusted to provide me counsel. Now when and under what circumstances that counsel is to be provided is not negotiable. It can be given all the time. I understand that many may not feel comfortable saying the truth to my face, in an attempt not to hurt me. However wouldn't the consequences of saying nothing be far greater?

Last year, people had less of a problem telling me that what I was doing was only going to end with me getting hurt. In fact I didn't listen to those warnings as much as I should of. So it is only fair that I am surprised now that no one has spoken up. I suppose my biggest defense to people saying that I've headed down the wrong path both times, is that you have never saw what it was that made me go there. Perhaps I am a man of simple pleasures, but I am drawn to things that make me happy, as I would think most of us are. I think back to last year, one day in particular that I wrote about shortly after it happened. There was in that one day, so many different kinds of happiness, that it completely undid the progress I'd made in moving on, and reminded me why I had picked that path. All of that happened in one place, and all of that now exists only in my memory, as I can say with a fair amount of certainty that the other party has long forgotten it. I suppose it is that thought that helped me understand one of the many reasons it would have never worked.

I mention that now because it is from the evidence of things not seen by everyone else (and some things that have been seen I suppose) that I have had my moments of happiness lately. I understand that people disagree with my plans. To be perfectly honest, I've had more than my share of second thoughts lately, and have been pretty damned close to just throwing in the towel. But whenever I have them, they tend to be immediately followed by a moment that reminds me how it started.

So what would you all have me do? I have no illusions as to my ability to please everyone, in fact I have no desire to do so. I feel as though I'm on top of a sharp precipice. If I fall one way, I may lose many, but how much do they really care if they would leave me under those circumstances? If I fall the other way, I lose something that I probably don't even have and may have even been ready to give up to begin with. The third option is to impale myself upon the precipice. That seems like a mighty fine option right now.

My friends, I ask only this of you. Please, please, please, tell me the truth now. How bad has this actually gotten? Is it so bad as to cause you to forsake me, as was said to me tonight? I've lost many people before this, and am sure to lose many in the future. If I am to lose many now, I'd at least like some warning.

P.S. - To those friends that predate my current employer, this is not for you, so calm down.