I have a tendency of getting very physical,
So watch your step cause if I do you'll need a miracle.
You drain me dry and make me wonder why I'm even here.
This double vision I was seeing is finally clear.
You want to stay but you know very well I want you gone.
Not fit to fucking tread the ground that I am walking on.
When it gets cold outside and you got nobody to love,
You'll understand what I mean when I say,
There's no way we're gonna give up.
And like a little girl cries in the face of a monster that lives in her dreams,
Is there anyone out there, cause its getting harder and harder to breathe.
'Harder to Breathe' - Maroon 5
This will conclude what I decided to turn into a three-part series about the tangle of thoughts and emotions going on in my head, regarding both the situation everyone knows about, as well as life in general.
I have to provide a bit of context for this first. I am in a very good mood right now. Things are getting back on track, and I'm really not to worried about much. However, I feel it is important to acknowledge that much more has gone on in my mind than pain and suffering. There has been anger, blame, arrogance, and many other things. Also, this one is going to go on for a while, cause I'm still in a writing kind of mood.
Right before I started my month-long exile, Tavis and I had a conversation about what I thought my chances were, and was I worried about any competition. I laughed and stated that if Jason (yes I know, but if you look at how things were, it made sense in a 'holy shit that'd be stupid but not surprising' kind of way) was the only person to worry about, then it was a cakewalk. Tavis warned me not to be overconfident, which is amusing given the nature of so many of our conversations. Now given the width and breadth of my failures, one might wonder how I could hold any level of confidence. This is where my mind does something strange. Any lack of confidence I have has nothing to do with myself. My lack of confidence is in other people, specifically that most people are not capable of realizing just what I am. This can be seen in some degree in the amount of people that have claimed me as one of their closest or even best friend. A leap is required between friendship and anything else, and I doubt the ability of most people to accomplish it. Now that's not to say I'm without fault, far from it. But I know damn well what I am, and from the conceited part of my mind that I choose to suppress most of the time, the only way to describe it is 'better than other people.'
As for anger, there are three parts to it. I am angry at myself for what can be summed up as 'losing my objectivity.' Unfortunately another way to phrase it could be 'having a soul,' as looking at things subjectively is completely normal. I am what I am, and from time to time, see what I want to see.
The second bit of anger is at Katelyn. Like I said before, managing to convince me, your best friend, most of our coworkers, and the majority of my non-work friends, that something was happening, I can't even begin to understand. I know it wasn't on purpose, which is a big reason I can move on, but seriously, holy shit. Since the topic comes up many times each day at work, I have managed to piece together what I believe to be the majority of how this caught on. While I was on vacation, about the only times I saw work friends, we were together. While not helpful, that wasn't the big issue. Talking about me to everyone was. Perhaps there are lessons to be learned here. Also, this may seem like an odd way to air these grievances, but my logic is simple. Once I post this, I'm done worrying about it. No more conversations, no more worries, simply back to where we were. If through nothing but sheer force of will, I am over this.
Oh yeah, the third outlet for my anger. This one is blatantly illogical, but also the one that I enjoy the most. The only reason I'm not going to say the name is because I don't feel it is fair to call someone out on here that I don't actually know. All I can say is that I have no need for him to be my friend. And since he is technically not my coworker I don't have to deal with him professionally either. So while he has not actually wronged me, I take a perverse joy in being angry at him. A person can move on and still be a little jealous can't they, lol.
No Shaun, I'm not jealous of you.
Damn it, now I can't stop laughing.
So another part of Saturday's conversation that I want to talk about is regarding the future. I mentioned that the probable outcome would be they go and do their thing, we hang out less and less, and eventually she will be weaned off of me, for lack of a better phrase. I have had this happen before, so I simply consider it one of the many ways the world can work. Now the look on her face essentially said, 'no, that's not how I want it to be.' I didn't say it then, but I have always had an opinion on this sort of thing. Now, the following assumes that you can quantify happiness, as laid out in my highly scientific paper (still being written) tentatively titled "The Laws of Universal Happiness With Regards to an Equalibrium State in both Small and Large Samples," soon to be published in some well-regarded journal of note.
It begins with person 1 deriving X amount of happiness from person 2, and Y amount of happiness from person 3. At the start, X > Y. Now if for every amount you lower X, you are able to get twice as the amount added to Y, doesn't it make sense to go with Y? You are all lucky that I can't write in scientific notation using this text box. I have a big equation, and its awesome. Who said calculus never does anything for you after college?
To tie all my writings of the past few days together I would say this. I don't know specifically what it is that makes me the friend that I am. I have my ideas, but I suspect that it is difficult to put into words. Of course a part of me wishes things would have worked out differently, but if what I come out of this with is a friendship with someone who, despite their mistakes, loves me completely and totally, can I truly complain? Well, maybe I'll complain some, but I've earned that right. However when I look around me I know that I have near me some of the most loyal, caring, kind people that anyone could be lucky to have. Even if my time with them is limited, I'm am still a better person for the experience, and hopefully vice versa.
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