If Only I Knew What I Know I’d Make It a Point to Say So

To everyone that got me here, and everyone that made it.
Clear I was dead wrong all along, you said it for my sake.
That I would not lose my way, when I was astray.
I'm doing the best that I could, trying my best to be understood.
Maybe I'm changing slowly. I get out, turn around, if only...

'Dead Wrong' - The Fray

Well, at least most everything has been said now. What disappoints me most is that, as the intro said, I was dead wrong. It is one thing for it to have just not worked, it is another for it to have never been a possiblitity to begin with. If I had just remembered that single fact that my nearly 25 years has taught me, I could have avoided this. And no, I'm not going to tell you what that fact is, because honestly, it is so obscenely depressing that I do not wish to share it.

And as I attempt to make myself whole for the 2nd time in the past year, I am forced to also look very closely at the people I call 'friend.' The fact that so many of you will be pleased at what is happening disturbs me. I get that you don't like her, fine, not my problem. But to know that the same events that caused me pain will bring you happiness, or at least relief, saddens me even more. Let me spell it out clearly for all of you. I was happy. Pure and simple, the things that I can't explain are the things that happened when it was just us, and unfortunately no one cares, they just wanted her gone.

Despite how hard it is right now, I suppose it could have been worse. Knowing now that there was never anything there, it means that I came inches away from making a fatal mistake just a couple of weeks ago. Standing by the stove, finishing our baking project. You turned once to give me something, and I almost turned you around again for something else. Only the bit of doubt (that was rightfully there), and the fact that I don't know how to do that stopped me. And yes, feel free to laugh everyone, god knows you are already.

There is no reason I shouldn't be able to get past this. I've done it before and I can do it again. I mean I can look at Alex and feel absolutely nothing, except perhaps a twinge of regret at how much we've grown apart. Katelyn and I at least had a conversation, which if we're lucky will be enough to help things out. And perhaps just letting it out would be good too. When I got home I let out a single tear. Its not much, but as it has been years since I last cried. So like the conversation, I suppose its a start.

I also should probably stop punching things in the exact same spot where I broke my hand, back on that fateful night where I learned just how well Kara knows me.

Edit: Yet again I forgot something...After reading a book recently, one far outside what I would normally read, I explained that I do not like books that are inundated with romance. Who now wants to guess why?