Time, Time, Time, See What’s Become of Me

While I looked around, for my possibilities, I was so hard to please.

Look around, leaves are brown.
And the sky, is a hazy shade of winter.

'Hazy Shade of Winter' - The Bangles

Sunday night, while mostly designed as a night for people to just chill, led to a conversation which honestly put me right off the happy wagon. Someone asked if I had simply come out and said it, which of course I hadn't. It is a fairly well-known fact that I analyze the shit out of everything. However while it was said that I took the wrong course of action, I can say only this. If what I did was the wrong course, than why is it that I was proven to be right? In fact why is it that on every similar occasion I am proven right? What people don't realize is that this isn't an issue of self-confidence. It is an issue of confidence of others. It is said that reality is essentially dependent on the person experiencing it and the things they've been through. So at this point what I consider to be a reality shouldn't be surprising. I'm sure it would make more sense if you all knew the whole history, but I don't feel like reliving everything prior to July 17th, 2005. Because guess what, I had a live before this place, and in this area it was eerily similar. Perhaps what bothers me most is that when attempting to find what the roadblock is, I can't narrow it down to the obvious. In fact the problem seems to be a flaw in the part of me I hold as sacrosanct.

In case it wasn't obvious, I still have not made the block that I mentioned last time. The one that stops me from posting after 12:00am on Tuesdays. Though even if I had, I doubt it would have stopped this. When one comes face to face with the vessel of their defeat, there is little that can silence the howls of anguish.