'Pain' - Jimmy Eat World
It turns out that I was slightly mistaken in something that I wrote in my last blog. I said that at the moment my home was like a prison. It turns out that, besides causing concern amongst certain people, it was also a gross exaggeration of the size of the cell. The prison in which I am trapped is my mind.
It is imperative now that I mention that I am tremendously happy that my best friend may have found something that makes him happy. However it is the plethora of emotions in the background of this that concern me. As many have noticed, I am considerably unhappy at the moment. The worst part of this is that I don't know why. Now I can rule out a few things. For instance during the conversation with Steve that just ended, he made reference to my anger during this as having to do with the fact that certain affections weren't directed toward me. It is important to note that this is most certainly not true.
When I said that my ego had been obliterated, well I suppose I didn't explain it well enough. The best parallel I can draw actually uses the situtation that had been going on for the past year or so. It was common belief that the other female that is part of this group had interest in Steve. While this was mostly found to be inaccurate, it still, at least in my assumptions, probably gave Steve a bit of an ego boost. Well, during much of that same time, comments were occasionally made so as to imply that a similar situation was happening to me. So inevitably, there was an ego boost. While it was not something I would have pursued (then again who truly knows until the situation materializes), the idea of an admirer (suitor is the word I wanted, but I can't seem to remember the feminine version of the word) was appealing. But all of this is just a long-winded way of saying that these are not the foremost emotions in my mind.
So next I look at the inevitable strain on friendships that this can/has/will cause people. I look first toward the one that I thought I was losing over the past couple weeks. It has been argued to me that it was merely coincidence and circumstance that led to a bout of silence for a couple weeks. I have to conceed that that might be the case. However I can also look at it this way. Even if the thought hadn't crossed her mind to conciously ignore me, the simple fact is she found a replacement for me. For some reason that my mind keeps returning to that description. Replaced....seems oddly fitting given the circumstances. My usefulness as the one person in this group that tried to be close to her from the start has ended. Yet as I write this, I hear my mind saying, I can live with that outcome. Either way, I can't take the past couple weeks lightly, even after having discussed it with those involved. Maybe its an overreaction, who knows. Hopefully time will make this one a little easier.
As for the relationship that is forming out of this, I honestly can't find any logical reason not to see it as a good thing. This tells me that my mind is simply focusing on the parts of this that effect me directly, and not how it effects the people I love. I've always been so good at setting aside my own feelings for the benefit of those around me, I just need to buckle down and do what is necessary, what I know is right.
It turns out that I was slightly mistaken in something that I wrote in my last blog. I said that at the moment my home was like a prison. It turns out that, besides causing concern amongst certain people, it was also a gross exaggeration of the size of the cell. The prison in which I am trapped is my mind.
It is imperative now that I mention that I am tremendously happy that my best friend may have found something that makes him happy. However it is the plethora of emotions in the background of this that concern me. As many have noticed, I am considerably unhappy at the moment. The worst part of this is that I don't know why. Now I can rule out a few things. For instance during the conversation with Steve that just ended, he made reference to my anger during this as having to do with the fact that certain affections weren't directed toward me. It is important to note that this is most certainly not true.
When I said that my ego had been obliterated, well I suppose I didn't explain it well enough. The best parallel I can draw actually uses the situtation that had been going on for the past year or so. It was common belief that the other female that is part of this group had interest in Steve. While this was mostly found to be inaccurate, it still, at least in my assumptions, probably gave Steve a bit of an ego boost. Well, during much of that same time, comments were occasionally made so as to imply that a similar situation was happening to me. So inevitably, there was an ego boost. While it was not something I would have pursued (then again who truly knows until the situation materializes), the idea of an admirer (suitor is the word I wanted, but I can't seem to remember the feminine version of the word) was appealing. But all of this is just a long-winded way of saying that these are not the foremost emotions in my mind.
So next I look at the inevitable strain on friendships that this can/has/will cause people. I look first toward the one that I thought I was losing over the past couple weeks. It has been argued to me that it was merely coincidence and circumstance that led to a bout of silence for a couple weeks. I have to conceed that that might be the case. However I can also look at it this way. Even if the thought hadn't crossed her mind to conciously ignore me, the simple fact is she found a replacement for me. For some reason that my mind keeps returning to that description. Replaced....seems oddly fitting given the circumstances. My usefulness as the one person in this group that tried to be close to her from the start has ended. Yet as I write this, I hear my mind saying, I can live with that outcome. Either way, I can't take the past couple weeks lightly, even after having discussed it with those involved. Maybe its an overreaction, who knows. Hopefully time will make this one a little easier.
As for the relationship that is forming out of this, I honestly can't find any logical reason not to see it as a good thing. This tells me that my mind is simply focusing on the parts of this that effect me directly, and not how it effects the people I love. I've always been so good at setting aside my own feelings for the benefit of those around me, I just need to buckle down and do what is necessary, what I know is right.
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