Too fast or a bit too slow, I'm paranoid of people and it's starting to show.
One bad habit that I can't shake, over my shoulder is a big mistake.
Sitting on the bed and I'm lying wide awake.
There's demons in my head and it's more than I can take.
I think I'm on a roll but I think it's kinda weak.
Saying all I know is I gotta get away from me.
'Gotta Get Away' - The Offspring
It is slowly getting easier. Still a lot I'd like to say, but every chance to say it fails somehow. Then again it's like I was told recently, you have to know when to pick your moments. I'd like to think I've known how to do that, I just haven't been able to predict the extent to which things would not go as anticipated (or to which I'd been sabotaged, as though that was necessary). But at this point it doesn't matter. I've had enough of this, and I want nothing more than to disappear for a while. Of course I can't do that, so I will have to settle with burying myself in my job. Maybe I can work enough that I just won't have time to do other shit.
I keep thinking back to a couple of things I wrote back in May and June, some quotes that I added into my writings, specifically the latter one ("Well I've Never Prayed"). The more I think about it, the more it makes sense, I must choose one of those things. Then again maybe it is just my continued inability to do this right. Ya know, I can handle failure, god knows that in this particular arena I've become good at it, but this was absurd. It has been a constant struggle between the immense happiness I can feel at some points, and the pain I feel the rest of the time. Though the knowledge that I was probably wrong at every turn is equally as disconcerting. Well that's enough. Time to fold, just wish I hadn't stayed in so long.
Edit - 11/14 - 3:50 PM
For all those reading this now that comments have been posted, a new song lyric for you....
Well life has a funny way of sneaking up on you,
When you think everything's okay and everything's going right
And life has a funny way of helping you out when
You think everything's gone wrong and everything blows up in your face.
'Ironic' - Alanis Morissette
The title here being more relevant than the words. How is it that those commenting (and agreeing with me) are the ones that convinced me (or caused...) everything I wrote above. But the trifecta is in play now, just need the last one to comment and then it'll be like a party....in hell (Editor's Note - 12/5/09 - the Trifecta referred to Tavis and Alex both commenting on the Myspace posting of this blog, next just needed Shaun). And for those that may think I wrote that bit in anger, well, not so much....I'm actually sitting with a cocked eyebrow thinking how odd this is, yet fitting, lol.
When I think about the last time I walled myself off completely, I did it because I had almost nothing left. How can I do that now when there are still things I value? The price has been high already (even if that price was spread out over four months), I don't know how much more I can give up. But then I wonder am I really taking that much away from others? Because at this point I just can't tell.
On the brighter side, I hope to finally have the good news from work that I've been waiting for. It's taken long enough but it should be worth the wait.
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