Kick Them Right in the Face, Make Them Wish They Weren't Born

And if they bring up your name, well they'll say you won the war.
Baby burst in the world, never given a chance.
Then they ask what went wrong, when you never had it right.
No you never had it right.

I remember runnin through the wet grass, and falling a step behind
Both of us never tiring, desperately wanting.

'Desperately Wanting' - Better Than Ezra

Mood swings are such a bitch. I woke up repeatedly throughout the night and found myself barely able to stand, fighting bouts of dizziness brought on by my cold. However they subsided when I finally got up, allowing me to go enjoy a great time in Kirkland. However as the ongoing situation continues to do, it forced me to think about things, things I should probably be talking about more. It is that last bit that set the tone for the rest of the day. I went back to bed an hour or so after getting home in an attempt to recuperate. What I ended up doing was becoming depressed, very very depressed. I noticed something during this introspection. I'm apparently broken, as I have found myself unable to cry. It was meant to be a release for everything that is pent up, and it failed. And talking about it later with Aaron obviously didn't help much as we both ended up depressed by the time it was over. Obviously I need to vent this more appropriately, and I probably owe an apology for not having done so already. If there was any truth that came from the conversation that pissed me off (written about in our last episode), then it was the fact that, regardless if people were listening or not, I probably wasn't saying quite enough. I'm trying to fix that, I just don't know what I'm going to say to any of you yet.

So no, I am not alright. I haven't been alright for quite sometime. Is most of it my own damned fault, yeah probably. But what would you have me do. Nothing I could have said or done would have changed anything. That is why I've remained silent. If keeping my pain close meant not making things worse for others, then so be it. I have always said that it is the price I pay for being the kind of person that I am.

I think it would be a little easier if I knew what it is I'm supposed to look forward to. Everything that has gone on (both in the 'soap opera' and various smaller unrelated incidents) has reinforced one emotion I feel almost all the time. Sheer and utter loneliness. I don't remember a time anymore where I haven't felt that. This is the other reason I remain silent. I want and need no pity, no words of solace, no comforting, but it will come regardless, and it will do nothing.